bye 2012,hello 2013

give it a thought, why is it such a big deal just because it's a new year? i mean, its just another day.you practically don't feel any difference...its an ordinary day made big by society,by individuals.
think about it every 1st of jan is made big, people celebrate it, they enjoy themselves, they scream out happy new year.
but why don't they do the same on other similar occasions? like chinese new year? its the beginning of a new lunar calender year also and why not on the first day of the islamic calender?

it just doesn't make sense to me. would appreciate it if someone to explain this whole thing to me.
anyway, such occasions are always a good time to look back and pick up meaningful lessons and to learn from mistakes. retain what's good and change what's bad.

so here's a reflection on my 2012 (let's see how much i can remember) :

January
I don't quite remember what happened except for fauzi's birthday, ice cream cheft with bimbz and henna's reception.

February
This marked the official end of my 1st yr in poly. exams during my birthday for the 1st time in life and a quite valentine's day. 18th birthday made memorable by my awesome family. there was also a 29th this yr,hehe,lehan turned 4 and finally had her first celeb.

March
Started with a bang. Tried new things and saw life with a different perspective. not to forget my weird hormones started to kick in right here. Lots of outings with le friends and more with family.

April
Yr 2,not a good start - huge transformation of self behaviour in schoold grounds :/

May/June
Can't remember what i was doing in this 2 mths. Ah girl was having her intern during this period? and i was super crazyly mad in my own bubble?

July 
Holy-month of ramadan. Disappointing moment when i knew i could not travel this yr :( remember feeling super tired,idk why.

August
Hari Raya amidst exams. Shopping for raya outfits for the first time,aha,i sound stupid here but oh well. Raya Bazaar with ah girl <3

September
I don't know if it was in Sep or not but byee to my horrible obsession and the bubble finally burst,yay! and hello to new person in life. HOLIDAYS! :D A good break from everything.

October
First working experience, shopping for india, sad ending of the month with me being in sg by myself and dreaded back to school.

November
Lots of weddings which i could not attend. spend lots of time at home, practiced home-making skills, haha.

December
Family reunion,after 2 long months. mid-sem test.and finally a break,yipee.

Hmm,my life sounds so mundane,like nothing much happened.
Can remember myself making so much mistakes along the way, so many learnings took place.

In short, 2012 has transformed me to a more independent and sensible girl. it showed me a lot of things  and changed my perceptions too. i think i'm a better me now.
Thankyou for the changes and for being an eye opener (:




Welcoming 2013 with only one aim. Don't want to have too many in fear of not accomplishing them.


And the one thing is to be a more religious person. insyallah. yes it's about time i look into this aspect.

and of course i'm hoping for the year to be filled with exciting events and a less dramatic life of mine. things should begin to be stable.hehe (;

In a few hours!

<3

29/12/12

It's the last Saturday of the year and rather well spent.

I love family time although what we do most of the time is just stay arnd the house and eat and watch a movie and have endless chats. But its just <3<3<3

today was good.went out with le sis n bro then had family time with a nice movie and tea break and chats and laughter and lots of photos and a great dinner.

House was left in a mess but it was worthwhile (:

Besides that.I just have so much to say to practically everyone but  words arent just coming out of my mouth.other then last night when I had an argument w le sis.

Oh and really thankful for the gifts from ally siblings.have been receiving quite a number of stuff and I totally love all of it.today's gift just touched me :D

A random thought just flew in.if he's younger than me why would my grandma have match made us together? From what I know, in the olden days, their believes and all was that the guy should be older?

So it doesnt make sense.I want to ask so badly but I'm not going to.things seem to be.....idk.maybe it's just me and my excessive thinking.

Oh well.

Really thankful for everything that's been happening in my life.alhamdulilla for each event whether small or big or happy or sad because I believe everything happens for the better.

Cheers,

<3

Ice cream buffet

this holidays,it seems like i only did 1 productive thing and that is ice cream buffet with my dear friend.

have only spent 2 days out with my friends so far in the past 2 weeks.its kinda sad.nevertheless,i've had a good time with my family on several days, the weekends and christmas to be more precise.

convincing dad for travelling during the next break is still on-going. hwaiting~

so ice-cream buffet. we decided to have a proper meal first before the buffet so wow it was too much fooood!
we had a main course each and a side each - they were having some promo which gave us a side or ice-cream for free....so we took the side cause we were going to have ice cream alr anyway...yummy food made us quite full just half way through it.

then came the buffet, one should go there empty stomach and just simply indulge in the ice cream..it'll be totally worth it!

8 choices of cakes excluding brownies.

so many flavours to choose from,they had normal ice cream and gelato. didn't really like the gelato..maybe it was the flavour we picked. ice cream was yummmmy! i chose the flavours that they don't have in their normal menu,cappucino cookies is extremely yummy for coffee lovers! <3

lots of toppings to choose from too.from dried fruits to fruits  to ice kacang toppings (chendol,nata de coco,etc) to chocolatey treats and cereals and stuff.

they also had fondue both chocolate and white chocolate and strawberries and mashmallows

Chop chop station which we didn't try.saw no point in it. we could just mix out topping with our ice cream on our own so....

that pretty much sums up our eating spree! wasn't in much of a mood to shop so decided to fully indulge in fooood,hehe.

cheers to completing one more item on my 18th to-do list, i believe 3 more to go..wonder if i'll ever complete those,haha.

<3

YTriggered

Just saw a tumblr post saying:

' I hate the idea of someone else having you'

It's at times like this when I really wonder if there's someone else.

Though you assured me there wasnt any a mth ago,how can I be certain it's still the same?

I want to ask but I don't want to go off as insecure and afterall I do know you wouldn't like me asking.

So curious about what happened to the 3 girls.

Oh how oh why.

All this that's happening makes me wonder even more. Curiosity kills the cat and it'll soon kill me too.

All this talk less thing,what does it mean? It is definitely possible there's someone else there whose taking up all your time leaving a pathetic amt for me :(

Maybe its all my fault.for putting off a wrong impression.shouldn't have said so much.oh well what's done cannot be undone. I'm sorry!

Maybe I should really tell you how I feel.but I'm not so certain myself,so how,what shall I do?

<3

Weirdly amusing

It's funny how when I'm extremely low or extremely high I wish I could talk to you.

You get on my mind even more and if I'm down that ruins everything mOrd but if I'm high your words never failed to make smile.

Its really very strange and I don't know what to do about it.

Hate myself for getting attached to people too easily.it sucks.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm....... Fuck no fuck.I'm not saying it until I'm oh so certain.

berkencan di kampong indonesia

my title today is just awesomeee.
makes me sound like a infinity-lingual pro, hehehe.

anyway let me translate it for you: dating in a village in indonesia

was having this late night chat with my sissy and le domestic helper. so sissy suddenly asked her how she met her husband and stuff and then it was the start of this amazing story. its too cute to resist and therefore i can't help but blog about it...since i can't utter it out to a random person.

as we all know village people are usually more conservative compared to the city peeps. so her husband was from the same village, her bro's friend.they (bro and his friends) used to play outside her house and one day taadaaa,her husband noticed her and they being innocent and guai kids did not date secretly.
the dude had to approach her father and ask for permission to bring his daughter out.father being strict only allowed her to go out to have lunch and be back home within 2 hrs..SO CUTEEE!
i'd be so pissed if i was only given 2 hrs,i mean what can we do in such awhile mannnn?


so they went out a couple of times and then the dude went to the dad to ask her hand in marriage....since it was love,no wonder she married young and now at 24 has 2 kids! oh gosh she gave birth at 19 :O that's me next yr and i can't imagine being in her shoes.

and this explains why she keeps asking me to marry,maybe one day i shall tell her, oh noo,i have no one to love like you did.hehehe

oh please sissy don't question me about anything related to this - i'll have no answers for you cause i'm a lost and confused kid in this matter.

ahhh,i'm still high over le maid's story which she told a few nights ago.

can't help but imagine myself in the village and having a dude coming to ask for permission to take me out...but what if i don't want to go with that dude and someone older says yes? :O

i'll go if the dude owns a bike,kekekeke. over obsession with motorbikes.

Younger guys?

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT'S WITH ME AND GUYS YOUNGER THAN ME.

Oh gosh, I need to maintain,

The irony of me saying I think its ideal that the guy is older than the girl and turns out I don't live by what I say.

Hmm,but honestly who is so particular about who they're talking to?I mean if the age gap is super huge then ya they'll be cautious if not then..urg I don't know luh.

I've been living in this delusion for idk how long and it's :( to find out it was all just a made up story of mine.

For once I want to be younger.though I love february because it's most special-28 days,I wish I was a December baby.lol.here's me just upset.

Feels like you're going away because you're younger.how the fuck do I explain this to you.

What's wrong with her for bringing this issue up.

I'm so curious,I need to know what you found out about him but this relationship between us has turned too sour. It's not appropriate to ask.I can't be so matlabi (can't think of the eng word for this).

Aiyooo.I need to accept that I'm never going to know the conversations.

Brain needs to stop thinking,oh well,goodnight

-Xoxo

Weekend

The weekend started off pretty fun with a short shopping spree in the morning and a peaceful afternoon and family night.

The kids are here for good.house gonna be filled w le lovely family all the way till Christmas..

It was fun fun fun until this morning,

Woke up having a real bad body ache and stomach been hurting since forever.

Oh gosh,body please get well soon.there's ton of things I wanna do and I wanna meet my girls tomorrow too ao body you can't fail on me alright.

In a huge dilemma whether or not to eat right now.I dont want my body to starve neither do I want to start puking non stop.

It just feels weird from within.

Holidays!

Yay! I was happy to wake up today to know that holidays awaits me in just a few hrs!

Though I was pretty nervous and was on the verge of giving up,I'm really thankful I was able to answer every question,every part of it.whether it's right or wrong or if I score well or not it doesn't really matter.because I feel I did what I could.

But yes itll be a pity if I didnt do well cause I could've if I had put in more effort on studying.

Also I would've completely forgotten how it feels like to stay till the end of the paper if not for today,thank you ba and thankyou my friends for wanting me to say bye to you guys before heading off.

Overall I had a good short last day in school for the year.

May 2013 bring more joy and make me strive harder in terms of education.

Yay again! Because my family feels more complete now,I managed to live half a sem on my own.and I'd say a big yes to joint families in future.

Just awaiting Christmas now for a splendid family reunion.feels like it's been awhile!

And though ive been having a happy and rather busy day..,I still end up in my bed tonight thinking of you.really makes me wonder if I ever cross your mind for just a split second in the entire day.I'm attached to you already..too quickly and too much amd too surprisingly.I no longer know how to run away from it but stubborn me doesn't feel like harping on you.so pleaseeee come.

I think I'd better sleep before my mind wanders too far away..

goodnight dear space

<3

12/12/12

Sorry for raping you my dear blog but I really have to let this all out somewhere if not I'll fall weak myself than whose goimy to take care and work the brains to try and solve everything else?

Uh no...just when I thought I coud be a super girl, a splendid sister and a fighter daughter.boohoo.now he's going to have sleepless night and I know it.I'm 100% sure and it sucks to know I can't do anything.and you probably think I'm inhuman and mean and what not for not telling you but I promised and I didn't want you to worry.you were already not having such a pleasant day,

Aiyooo..you know he can't handle stress yet you do it.

What's wrong with the world?!

So many you-s in this post,bet when I read back I wont be able to figure out but oh well it makes perfect sense to me right now so..

I need to be prepared and I have approximately 36 hours to brace and gather all the positiveness I need to handle this!

I believe I can do this.all of this it's more important than my self-created drama life.

I don't even care if all of those people left but i'd be nice if they could be there so I can have a break.but I don't NEED them.

No expectations.



It's not been a pleasant 12/12/12.

I'm a fighter and I know it.

Dramamama

I cannot watch romantic dramas! I take them too personally.

It's okay,I believe one day my love story will be much more romantic and loving and sweet and beyond cheesy than all the dramas I've ever watched.

K bye

uneasy

i'm feeling so uneasy.feels as though my heart is racing to catch i don't know what.
i can't seat still, nor can i watch tv in peace. let alone study. thank god i managed to convince myself to do some housework but its incomplete.fuck all this shit.
i need to exercise control on myself.stop using words in a different context.it spoils the image of myself.
urg. everything feels horrible.what i used to enjoy seems to be irritating me.what do i do? oh help me please.someone,something.
everything seems to be in a mess and it sucks to know..uh dammit.too much tension is stopping me from working.and oh no i have one more paper to go.i need and want to salvage everything.

behaviour

studying for my organisational behavior exam which is tomorrow makes me think of my own behavior.
i believe my behavior pattern differs in different situations. its both a good and bad thing i guess.

at the moment,it sucks and its a disappointment to say that i feel i'm falling weak.
oh fuck,no not again,i need to pick myself up even before i fall.
i guess building a great wall of china would do it all :D

i want to be the girl whose a fighter, aggressive and fierce on the surface but soft-hearted from the inside.
i'm easily contented and i guess i shouldn't show this trait until at an appropriate time...sounds like a plan? hopefully,this would get me somewhere...

feels as though i'm the wanderer who is actually lost right but i know that deep down inside me i've this clear path that i would eventually take.wondering only cause i cannot foresee the amount and degree of obstacles that's going to come before me. i'm not sure i'm ready to take up all the challenges to reach my destination.

please give me the strength to do what it takes to get to my destination.

<3

messed.

it's great to know that people appreciate you but at other times, problems are overwhelming.

yes,that sentence above makes no sentence..before and after the coma topic is totally different.

today started on a horrible note for no practical reason.when i woke up i just didn't feel like getting up of my bed and didn't feel like studying for my test today and didn't feel like cleaning the house. so all i did all morning long was stare at the tv and sleep.

and then a number of them started texted me about today's test and thanks to them i revised a bit and even more thanks for the company in school to study.

and then all the thinking explained my feeling in the morning. fuck this shit.
i don't want to be in that position all over again. urg.

i hate reading people's mind.especially when it says so much and so little at the same time. fixing the puzzle pieces becomes so difficult.

am i a distraction?
who am i?
why does everything seem to be changing?

so much to say but you're not even there to listen.
i shall be patient and wait for your arrival.
you're different from the rest.
please come soon!

<3

i'm holding too many secrets at the moment,please give me strength to contain everything within myself and do what i need to.

beginning of a new chapter.

crucial week starting from tomorrow.i really hope i don't get distracted badly and hopefully i'll spend most of the time studying for my upcoming papers.really thankful that tomorrow's paper is @ 5 though initially i was complaining about it.well at least i can still have monday blues followed by some last min revision before the test in the evening.

i believe its the start of a new chapter in life for me since i guess saturday.

its all weird how people can say so much about you from so far away and by barely knowing you.how they can confidently say everything that's happening is all fated.how can see a clear vision of their tomorrow.how they can change sides in less than 5 minutes.everything, it just amazes me.

honestly, i must be suffering from some illness,i'm 99% sure about this but i'm too scared or rather i'm just too bo chap to even care about it,let nature take its troll. i have external locus of control. which i thing has more bad than good :/
anyway the point is that people praising me doesn't make me feel happy..unless the one saying it has some importance in my life.

its mean to say that some people are not important in another's life when they're there doing quite a bit. idk...maybe i'm using all the wrong words to say what i truly feel.

everything or in fact nothing is making sense to me right now.

i'm back to the i'm lost path and yesterday was the unfaithful night that lead to all the thinking.funny how i was engaging in so many convos and yet had time to think about stuff i shouldn't.

sometimes i feel i'm so fierce but at others i feel i'm not. i need to learn to be fiercer.my current status is stubborn i guess. well that's that people who think on surface level feel.

so much to say but i'm not in the mood.

so for now just i miss you,i need you,come back cause there's so much to say.

all the best to me for my exams this week. may the odds ever be in favour for everything that's happening and going to happen.

songs

Had a super strong urge to blog just when i was about to start studying. the only reason i can't think of is that i'm such a procrastinator. willing to do anything other than putting my mind to studying and focusing on it. so i made a deal with myself. finish notes for 3 chapters before i allow myself to come to this space.so a huge 

YAY to myself for successfully succeeding :D

I must say i find myself amusing for so many reason. and urg, i can't get enough of myself. wonder when i'll burst out of this self-obsession bubble. its not really self-obsession but i can't think of any other word to better describe this.

have i previously mentioned about how certain songs have such an impact on me.not like i listen to many songs but those that i do are those which i can read in between the lyrics...hmm does that make sense?

so the recent obsession is with 3 bollywood songs all coming from that recent movie i watched. and one english song.

1. Challa ki labda phire - its about this guy whose a 'lost wanderer' looking for his phone. musical instrument played is a guitar and its simply lovely!

2. Ishq Shava - the lyrics is super catchy (a mix of hindi and punjabi) and it's a song to be danced to...love the chorus phrase: Ishq shava.. mushq shava..khushamdeed-e-Marhaba..

and it simply means love is cure, fragrance is cure, welcome and enjoy it instead of hiding it.

that last line there is a proverb so the translation is a bit off....

3. Saans Mai Teri - this is a typical bollywood love song from the olden days.you know those dramatic kind and then they have all those scenes,mmm~ it means when your breath mixes with mine, i was able to breath properly..cheesy cheeesy,ehe

4. Red - loving him is like driving a maserati down a dead end street...missing him is dark grey all alone...loving him was red-edddd.

oh and i feel like saying this to someone but i can't figure who:

bebo mai bebo, 

dil mera lelo, 

dil denay aayi, 

lelo ji lelo

<3

self-esteem.

what is self-esteem?

well, in ob's context it is how good one feels about himself. so today i have low self-esteem.. theoretically it isn't supposed to change as the days change, but there are always exception,aren't there?
it's like one day you wake up feeling confident and really good about yourself but on the next you just drag moving your ass off the bed and want to sleep the day away...there really isn't much you can control am i right?

today is just one day that i'm on a low self-esteem. i think generally i have high self-esteem,haha. really think highly about myself though there isn't a really strong justifiable reason for me to think that way..well i don't intend to burst my bubble but today is just an exception.

I feel as though my hormones are all over the place like since i was born...maybe i was born too late cause ya....my parents were over the age to once again become parents when i came by,well i think that way.
so because they were old there might have been something wrong in the transfer of the genes from them over to me.its nobody's fault genuinely, what is suppose to happen would find its way and i'm totally cool with it. i think i'm special and lucky because i've been overly loved and pampered and its such a joy being the youngest and all but today is just jt3ijhbnq'ifkgbjm.

it's one of the days that i look at myself and glaring at me is all my imperfections. they're overflowing and i don't quite know how to react to it.

a day whereby i abandon everything - my phone has been lying around somewhere, feels like i've quite a few people to go reply to but heck it for now and i've done nothing much productive.

hownowbrown cow? 

<3

december.

hello december!

society sees you as the joy-est month of the year so i'm hoping for you to be filled with fun, happiness and love. doubt i'm expecting too much.
8 days to wedding function
14 days to sis-in-law's arrival
14 days to holidays
15 days to sight-seeing
17 days to reunion with the babes
25 days to bro's arrival
25 days to chrismas
31 days to countdown
32 days to new yr
32 days to bimbo's birthday

that was a quick list of things to look forward to..definitely more to come..like shopping and meet up with jen and desi girl just that no dates have been fixed for now..

2 tests next wk followed by 3 papers for mst. i can clear this with little difficulty i hope! time to get into the nerd mode for the next 2 wks at least.

its not even holidays and i have assignments piling up and it sucks because that means i've to set time out during my holidays to complete my fucking work.
school's becoming less motivating by the day and hah i want a degree to...
time for me to think through to set my life in proper in pictorial form.at least i'll have a sense of direction and something to look forward to in the future.

anger management has to be set in place for me too. both sissy were saying that i'm so hot tempered and that i should drink more cold drinks but i already do,HAHA,fail. i just get pissed over small issues ok,i have no control over it and i don't know why. a simple example would be back in the evening,i was watching tv and for some reason the dude in it was speaking so softly n i couldnt hear so i started yelling cause i had to increase the volume x2 from what it originally was before i could hear and then once that dude finished speaking, the next person's voice was like blasting...sucks to keep increasing n decreasing you know....
okay see,i totally went into the rage mode just when i wanted to give an example....
it seriously can't be help..

this is getting crappy so bye!

<3

say what.

Just feel like blogging but about nothing in particular.

Just happen to read my previous post.
I think my decision seems to be working..I take control of myself. I mean i see myself complaining less,yay!

Exams are round the corner,in the chrismas-new year mood already. i just want my holidays actually,haha.

Was having a convo with my sister the other day.she complains about not being able to adapt and live in a slower paced moving country.i disagree with her. i can totally picture myself enjoying life to the fullest in that sort of place! I just feel that Singapore is too work driven, too stressful. i see slowly nowadays people are moving more into their social lives but honestly speaking the work pressure and high competition is still present. it may be positive for the country's development but on a individual's level i think it does more harm than good.

Can't wait to get myself into some awesome slow paced country,where i can dwell in myself,hahahaha,okay that's just me being dramatic. but i really want to have a slow life for a little while one which i can really relax in and enjoy the beautiful scenery. am not a huge huge huge fan of extraordinary surroundings.

4 things at the minimum to tick off the to-do list tonight but i'm just procrastinating.

i miss everyone!

(random but true story)

life's back to a standstill - where it was exactly a year ago. (obviously i'm being judgmental here, considering only a few things, but still )

definitely a much more sensible person now and i guess i now have less things to deal with too - good thing!

before this starts to get crappy and rambly, chaos.

<3

Positiveness + Champagne bottle

and i've made a decision.....to live day by day, have little expectations and more importantly be an optimist filled with positive thoughts.

Sense hit me real hard today and told me that in every situation there is a choice for you to make. If i can choose to be happy why choose to be sad? why sulk around when i choose to feel better. Doesn't that solve many problems? well, to me i feel it does. hmm, yes talk is easy, practicing it is a challenge and just on the first day of  my practice i'm already facing difficulties. nonetheless, trying really hard and time to live by this principle because i need to get up and out of this hole that i've fallen into.

as you'd know by now, i get angry/pissed off at every small issue. being Singaporean is bad, it makes you have the habit of complaining. and i'm a huge victim of this. i complain about every single thing that happens! i shall attempt to complain less also.oh no, this is going to be terribly hard. well, what's life without struggles?

i should keep a distance from everything to prevent myself for feeling generally horrible and caught up in a situation. this reminds me that I'm a capable woman, i do not need any man to lift me up and/or affect me in anyway.

I need to go back to who i was, pretty much carefree about most unimportant things and let fate make all of it's move. I know i'm probably contradicting myself but yes, in full caution and sense and sober, i feel what i'm saying right now is correct.

Back to bottling my anger at the world at large inside the champagne bottle and eventually when it is too full or fool, it'll naturally pop. so koodoos to waiting for the day to you for having a dose of champagne given to you by yours truly :D

<3

18th to-do list

Quick update on le list:

1. Rebond hair
2. Dye hair
3. Register for driving
4. Ear piercing
5. M18 movie
6. Get a new phone
7. Permanently close the bloody gap in my freaking teeth! (closed it for a month or 2 and now it's back :/)
8. Plan a surprise birthday party for at least 1 person close to my heart
9. Get a earning collection
10. Experience the work industry!!!!! (feeling sucha loser not having worked even once in my life :/)11. As crazy as it sounds,i wanna buy a pack of ciggs THIS DOES NOT EQUATE TO CONSUMPTION
12. Ice-cream buffet
13. Shisha?
14. Travel outta Singapore
15. Confront a fear (probably heights) = go to an amusement park and try out the craziest ride
16. Say iloveyou to the person who in my thinking deserves it
17. Have a go at manicure
18. Sleep in a lingerie  

4 more to go of which 2 seems impossible to fulfill at this point and 1 which idk i should fulfill...

Jab Tak Hai Jaan

Till my last breathe 

Perhaps true love does exist and it does go a long way and not just come to a pit stop the moment challenges are faced. Its truly admiring to see two people struggle and make their way through thick and thin for their other half. Probably if you're willing to do absolutely anything for someone then that person is your love. 

Making your way through thick and thin doesn't simply mean fighting the world for the two of you to be together but also making huge sacrifices for the well being of the other. Be it giving up your love or separating  from your love just for the sake of the other's well being.

Truly a touching movie though i felt it could have been better.loved the scenery.

Such films never fail to inspire me. 

so much to say about this inspiration but am short of words. 

Movies should continue to inspire me and let my imagination run wild, well that's one way keeping myself happy so why not?

Shall end of with this:

Extra love for bike rides <3

Can't wait to be sitting on one, enjoying every moment of the ride~

Saline mischief in your eyes,
Small insolences,
Laughing in your smile,
Waves of dusk unfurled in your hair,
I will not forget you,
Not untill I cease to breathe,
Not untill I cease to live

You took your hand away,
You turned your shadow face pale,
You never glanced this way
You, I will not forgive
Not untill I cease to breathe
Not untill I cease to live

Patiently waiting for my time to love

xoxo

So close yet so far

Everything seems to be within the perimeters but out of my reach.

Hating myself for my sucky attitude right now.

Why can't I be good enough for myself and for my beloveds?

Why can't I live the day without absurd thoughts?

Everything is strange.it seems so near yet as though it's going to fall apart.

Whatever that's important and far feels the same way too.That probably means the problem lies in me and solely me.

How do I fix it? How do I tighten the loose screws within me?

I miss you all.yes you, you and you!

Everything seems within the perimeters but out of my reach.

<3

Vroom vroom

I'm so jealous!

I WANNA GO WONDER AROUND ON A BIKE TOO!!

Sissy and sis-in-law are having a great time on the bikes while I'm seated here only thinking abt it -.-

Dad doesnt allow me to get my own license and there's no one here to ride me around too :(

India you're good at such times.

Ladies there sit on the back sideways and apparently sitting that way feels scary compared to the usual way of riding...

I also want to experience leh!

If only I was there.

Currently indecisive - 2 choices. Both equally desirable,hmmmm~

Life's impossible?

Life is really hard to figure out.maybe its truly impossible.

But by saying its impossible to figure out life is like giving up because I've always believed nothing is impossible.

The constant battle of trivial issues within me.

Why do I get caught up by such things,well,I guess its a part of me that ive to accept.

Funny how only after 4 years I finally decided to accept this part of me....

And annoying how I turn to this place only to complain and rant and sulk and express how the down sides of my life is instead of some happy posts.it just sucks ok.

So here's to another saddist emotional post!

Feeling as though life's been playing a lot of games with me.is this to test how strong I am by throwing me challenges or to see how soon I'll fall?

I really don't get it.maybe it's my fault for asking for a roller coaster ride,and its exactly what I'm getting right now.

Feeling good about myself and having all the love and happiness I can get for a few days and then back to the gloomy days where I feel like sulking in my bed all day.

It lasts way to short and it's affecting me in many ways,studies being of outpost importance at this point in time.

Persuading myself no longer works and I do not know what to do now.

May the odds ever be in my favour as well as those close to my heart.

Today's the day where I feel like life is meaningless.probably only living it because its a sin to put a stop to it.

Oh my Lord, please grant me inner peace and stability to carry on and do productive things to make a positive change!

May all my beloved friends overcome their dark days as well.

<3

Out of the fixation

I believe not long ago I was appreciating life and was liking how things were going but now as I'm on my way,I no longer feel the same.

I feel something is seriously wrong with me. My daily cycle seems to be changing pretty fast and I'm not a bit liking the current cycle. So a week ago I couldn't fall asleep until at least pass midnight and now I'm desperate to unite with my bed starting 10..

Doing anything seems like a chore,even watching tv.have I mentioned how I used to intensely stare at the screen throughout the drama and now I can't stay put 10 mins into it.obsession with tumblr seems to be disappearing too.food I cook no longer tastes good.I could cook good food,fyi.

What's worst is not knowing the cause of all of these and when reality hits it mother fucking sucks.oh this brings me to my vulgar language.it seems to be growing when I'm trying to eradicate it.I now scold the tutor for some really tinily minor mistake..

ALL OF THIS JUST NEEDS TO STOP.

But then....how? My plans seems to be failing on me and therefore I gave up making plans,letting nature take its course and then today a group spoke about visualisation. It sounded stupid to be honest.

The dude mentioned if you can visualize yourself reaching your goals then one fine day you will.and he was sharing hid story of how this basket baller practice perfect aiming by sitting on the bench and visualizing while his mates ran out and down the court to train and that made the man successful.

so maybe I should try out this method of thinking w/o any actions,HAHAHA.

The thing that I want is impossible to achieve,its nothing big and it's certainly achievable but just not now.

Hmm,I started by saying how I liked things a few weeks ago.yes.everything seems to be falling apart now and I'm too tired to prevent it from completely falling.sighs.my soul needs a new brain to function well~

<3

Wedding Fever

It's almost halfway through the busily packed wedding week and I'm here sulking,missing out on all the fun.

I really wish I was there,if i'd only miss say one week of school i would've bunked but hell no,this is way too much and it'll cost me beyond what i can effort.

A huge thank you to technology for enabling us to have real time conversations with our friends and beloved family overseas. So sister-in-law has been taking snaps of the wedding and sending it to us..as usual, i can't stop it with my nonsensical and what i think humorous comments,hahaha..

They're having a good time, i'm not but that's ok, my time will come (to enjoy i mean)

Gonna bug dad when he's back to let my fly in march - heard there's gonna be another wedding.
All this far away cousins of mine are getting married but i'm like not attending all their weddings, bad cousin i am..i want to attend theirs so they'll attend mine.

Anyway the thought of marrying in india is pretty interesting. i mean i'll probably have to attend a briefing of all the happenings first so i won't be blur and lost and confused but then i think it's quite fun to carry out the rituals as compared to the normal wedding here which is known for its food and maybe some dance moves and dk barat and that's all..

I want to have/ play wedding games on my wedding...you know those funnily weird simple games they play, like see who can find the ring first and all. so much fun. i don't believe in their "myths" behind it which is why i call it myth luh.

Wedding at le yang's tmr which means no more talking, this is kinda depressing!
It's also nearing time for me to make some judgments and form an image,hmm...

How can so much change in just 2 mths, well nothing is impossible but  i find it hard to believe.
No longer know my directions, my goals. it's going to be time for soul-searching soon, probably over deepavali holidays.

Something awesome to look forward to this weekends: SISSSY, DAD & KIDDDOS ARE COMING BACK.

it feels like it's been a really long draggy 3 wks.

<3

balancing

Feels like I'm running a marathon and each day in the midst of running, i get the urge to come to this space and to just stop for a little while to vomit. but above all the benefits of this little space, there's one huge downside. there's no one to speak bad to me, to provide feedback, advises actually...

It's been approx 5 days since i blogged and i see my life has changed a bit...
Oh wait there was Eidul Ahda in between which went pretty ok with just the few of us.

School has been overwhelming, i just can't seem to keep up and work seems to be piling, will it create a great wall of china 2? maybe if i can't pick myself up.

In this what seemed like a marathon, it wasn't as dramatic as i portray it to be luh, i realized a few things about myself and it kinda sucks to know it.

Life is just playing games with me, i just can't figure so many things out now.
Never received so much love from outside before~

It's so hard to balance all aspects of life at a go. I can see myself falling right down on one side the moment i try to pull up another. why can't i have an all rounder relatively happy life? is that too much to ask for? i don't need an extraordinary life just a simple ordinary one would be lovely.

k bye.
<3

trembling

I'm trembling, my panic and anxiety was temporarily gone when i was around people,mostly sem and i am really appreciative and thankful for her company.

I'm revolving around so much but at the same time so little. oh gosh, i don't even know how to put all this in words.
My hands are sliding across the keyboard really fast and when i stop i can see it shaking.
I can't fucking cannot take goodbyes.

At this moment,i'm in a fix, i don't know if what i did was for the better or for the worst. maybe if she left us all and went to a better place,her life wouldn't be so miserable as it is now? but i would've been stone hearted and inhuman if accepted her goodbye and let it all go away.i wouldn't have been able to forgive myself in the future too. would spend the days in sighs and regret for the rest of my life.

Praying hard for her and hoping she'll have a speedy recovery. I wish i could spend a lot of time with her and shower her with all the love and happiness i can.. i truly believe emotional support is key in such situations.
In this 1.5 years, i've felt i'm very close to her in many ways. one of the friendships in which i felt that constant communication wasn't vital and we could always have a heart to heart talk at any point in time, there wasn't a need to hesitate or a need to look for the right opportunity. love her infinity.

an early morning

So my wednesday's are screwed!

There's this 2hr break thanks to my cds...and look at what happenend on just the first lesson.
I ended an hr early so practically i came all the way here for just an hr of lesson..or more specifically talking,oh gosh. hopefully le girl ends early so i won't have to wait too long...

My phone's irritating me too.it's madly in love with youuuuu! now when i get whatsapp msges,i don't even know until i check my whatsapp.notification's screwed.

Oh and i had an awkward introduction earlier today...i was supposed to tell the class something unique about my class, what was i going to say. i hate introductions okay.if you know me then you'll know a lot about me but if you don't then it's just too bad~
So i decided to tell the class i like to see wedding photographs and the tutor asked whose wedding and i said random people and she went errr..okay it may be weird and that's why its uique isn't it..
well most of them said their hobbies or some health related issue..hmm should've said i have a mole on my eye or braces can't fix my teeth or hmmm,i have a fobia of the trackmail. oh look suddenly i can name so many things about myself..

This friendly girl sat beside,she's so cuteeeee. i made a new friend,yay and the credit goes to her luh for taking the initiative to talk to me :D
kekeke,she has my number,will she text me?
no reason for her to anyway~~

I'm so bored oh gosh and in this lab i'm so noisy, the only one spamming the keyboard...there's still an hr more to go before i leave school...

<3

Day 1 of 2.2

It was a horrible start to the semester though 1 good thing - i was early.

Queue to buy books from the basement of the lib was as long as a snake. but yay,we managed to get our books early.

I don't know what was so awkward but it just was. Not seeing people for a long time then suddenly meeting them its just err...its different if they're your good friends. to some people you don't even know what you should do, say hi super enthusiastically or just pretend to not see them?

Jervina loves you!

Anyway,back in the lt, it was horrible. that annoying lecturer demanded we sat according to our classes.so who was i gonna sit with? i just went with the flow and sat a seat away from a relatively nice classmate. and then indian boy to the rescue,hahaha. well, i think i was turned off the moment i had to sit with my class...so he was talking to me and i swear i didn't get him everytime he spoke so i tried to be polite by just smiling,oops :/
The lecturer was long-winded and generous,she gave away lollipops to those who answered her questions.back to the secondary school style,keke. her slides were messed up and  i couldn't understand what she was saying so now my notes are in a mess with empty blanks.

first day of sch with only 2 hrs of lessons and i'm dead tired,what's going to happen for the rest of the week?

May i survive it and pick up from today's fall..

<3

Goodbye

Goodbyes suck big time,probably one of the things that shouldnt exist in the world..

It causes a lot of unrest especially when it occurs suddenly without any warning.

My world feels empty suddenly.the pieces which used to form it have all gone and now I'm left with just 2.

Thank God that it's only temporarily gone,I'd be dead by now if it were to be permanent.

So yes,my huge family has reached safely back in hometown, village.they would be loving the slow paced lifestyle there after years of hetic hell here.

My dear friend would probably be having wine and sulking because she's been taken to a country she didnt want to visit.

My newest friend who grew so close in a short time,which shocked me,myself has gone missing for the past 5 days.

What's worst he's gone w/o saying anything.though I've a strong feeling he's unwell and admitted,i can't get myself to patiently wait. That silly boy doesn't even tell people his problems and that's what worries me most.

And because he's so far away,there's minimal I can do.contemplating to call but if he hasn't read my msges what are the chances he'll pick up?

So anyway, goodbye to le family was horrible.in the early daze they were still making talks abt me going.and then when it was time to depart all was going well till that sissy of mine asked for a hug,long one and baaaam I lost it.

I love hugging,it makes you feel good and is healthy to.not only that it strengthens the bond physically and internally. But a goodbye hug is awful. You control yourself so hard and then when it comes to hugging that exercised control disappears.

So here I am back at home with my 2 pieces of world, one my dearest brothers,sissy and  the 11 yr old chap.it's not that bad because there's five of us but on normal days it's just bro and me,more of me,me and me because bro works late and is exhausted by the time he's in so it's an early night for him. Oh well,cant wait for the long weekends!

And then there's this other 1 piece,probably the only one who reads this space.technically speaking there's 2 people in this 1 piece but ya...they're so near yet so far.that's one reason why Singapore sucks.everything revolves around your corporate life- education,career. Makes those close to you drift away.so annoying.nonetheless, I'm greatly thankful to these 2 people in my life.

I bet youre smiling while reading this cause you know I'm referring to you (;

Loveeeee you more than words can say!<3

Hmm,I drifted away from my title but ohh well,chaos~

Work...job

So as you'd know if you've been following my blog closely, i wanted to have a working experience while i'm 18. i'm proud to say i've got it but then it wasn't a very pleasant one.

While that doesn't really matter because it was the insight i wanted to see. i wanted to see how office really looks like and how the system flows. what's better i managed to squeeze myself into a law firm so that showed me where i might be one day. and i got to learn many things related to my current studies which i presume is very good as it should help me obtain my desired distinction :D

I saw and got to know about of things - the working environment, people's reaction/behavior etc etc.

Early in first working day morning,i got a shock as i've never seen so many people moving so quickly in and out of the same place in singapore in my entire live. Raffles place mrt, a place to be at in the morning and evening if you truly want to people watch. everything is so organised and moving with the flow. hmmmm, kiasu singapore. everyone seemed t be walking so quickly as though they're late.
so ya i was rather awkward as i strolled my way out with leisure on all working days,hahaha

my english and more importantly attitude got worst just after 5 days of working there, see the impact :O
they're all so mean and vulgar, i think it's just that firm luh. why can't they work harmoniously and get things going with a smooth flow than taking out their personal rage on each other's work and causing hindrance and trouble to so many people?!

well, it was a eye-opener, one to tell me to be more alert and smart when i officially join the workforce in a few years time. i'm sucha lazy bitch. was telling my sis on how i should just be a house-wife.life'll be great.
i agree that that's the hardest job but then i don't have to interact with mean people and i can be my own boss and move freely.

by just working for 5 days, i hated my routine. i can't survive on the same routine everyday. i need to go out,to different places. hahaha.

but i'm thankful for all my short-time colleagues for being friendly with me, those who were not,just missed an opportunity to know an awesome person,HAHAHAH,i've got unimaginably thick skin,pardon me for that.

in this journey i experienced both hilarious and rough moments, well i missed out on the sentimental emotional part,hahaha.

oh and i earned myself some money!! yay, shall attempt to save at least half of it.

<3

Wedding~

As usual i spent most of my time on the net looking at wedding photographs and videos.
and i've come across lots of beautiful things.

This post is intended to keep me reminded of my favorite things which i'd want to include in my own wedding. everyday is a day closer to it but .......what if i don't ever get married? boooom,okay i'm just kidding.


This is a gorgeous outfit. loving the colour too. most fav!!!


an amazingly elegant cake.love how perfect the details are


I don't know if I'll be able to give the guy his wedding suit but if so,this'll be aweeeesome


a special invitation for my girls! <3


a sari or do you spell it as saree? feels like a must,idk why...


A sequinned gown,maybe?


cutie gift for the kiddos, to keep them entertained while @ the wedding


for le engagement preferably in a diff colour?


A sparkly wedding, quite difficult to have in SG though...


an array of tasty juices!


a unique ring, actually i don't mind a simple ring with names engraved on the inside :D


out of the ordinary, i'd want to have my room filled with balloons,hehe..
but i won't have a say in this, it's up to the guy's family but oh well....


will my hands shake while signing?


special wedding carpet and not just a plain red one~

shall stop here for now and post each time i come across something lovely.

oh ya, i'd like to have a puzzle guestbook too but space would be a constraint and it'll be hard to keep...

<3

Dramas

Have been spending my nights watching dramas and just a thought flow through me.

I can't imagine myself being those typical girl they show in the dramas,neither the heroine nor the vilen, did I even spell it right?

The female leads are either too dependant,too girly or too strong,too much of a fighter. And the bad person is way too mean,at times it feels fictitious but then again I can't say such things doesnt occur in life just because I've not seen or heard or any such stories.

Can you imagine some guy consoling me? HAHAHA. I can't. I see myself as the one comforting others. Well this is just what I feel and I may be wrong. Maybe some day someone will prove me wrong, I anxiously anticipate that day to be before me.

I'm currently so bored I feel like writing a story of my life and portray it in a film or a short say 20 episode drama..it'll be interesting won't it. Makes me wonder how many people will mock my character or how many will be left amazed and startled or touched or maybe say 'hey,I feel that way too.'of course not forgetting the negatives but why bother myself with those when I can choose to live a fantasy?

I've always wanted a life of 'how I met your mother' or 'friends' or 'cougar town' or 'new girl' and the list goes on...in which they all have a clique and squeeze out time for each other no matter what.

It's inspiring and increases the value of friends but at the same time it can be really disappointing to know you can't meet that standard or be that sort of a friend and vice versa.

Just a random thought that passed through while I was bored watching the slow paced drama.

If I'm blessed enough,one day I'll live that sort of a life.maybe,hopefully. I want to experience it!

<3

Blogaway

That's the name of the app I use..

Shall blog to prevent myself from sleeping,feel bad for falling asleep halfway through conversations.

Arranged the apps in my phone according to mostly used. And oh gosh.messenger has made its way from the last to the first page very steadily! It's a good thing I guess? However, it shouldn't overtake messages and whatsapp..ya I guess just these two.

Its the 3rd alr,17 more days before they fly off.lots of work to be done by them and I guess I'm only going to assist in shopping,hahaha! #shopaholic

Oh ya will have to pack daddy's luggage too.

Wonder how I'll spend my days when everyone's away...this holidays I've been spending a lot of time with the biggest boyboy. I'll have a hard time if timetable is as empty as it was in 2.1..at the beginning there won't be much to study also so I really dont know how time will go by.I cannot allow myself to be a lazy bum during term time,it's a different story when it's holidays~

Maybe i'll make several trips down to bedok library to read n probably study there...who knows,maybe me frequenting that place might take a turn in life?

It sounds stupid and fictitious but honestly I haven't found what I want so I'm just swaying around.

What else do I type out now?

Oh ya,there's this burning question circling in my head.should I send a gift for yang since all of them are going? Will it be weird? And if I do what should I send?

But he says he doesn't want anything..so how?

I need to come to a decision really really soon! Can someone help me out?

<3

wishes

My biggest wish at this point of time is to travel and travel so badly.
I want to see the world and i know its too much to ask for at where i'm standing...

I want to explore India at the very least. I have visited that place i believe 4 times up to today but my trip has always been constricted to visiting relatives and that's all. 4 years ago when I went, I managed to do some sightseeing at 2 cities and that isn't enough. I've not even been to places of interest in the 'home' city. home because technically my parents are from there,mm~

I want to visit the following places when I next go:

Beach
Sunflower field
Cinema
Zoo
Swimming Pool
Theme Park

I never knew all the above existed except for a cinema...i've been living in a hole i swear. previously i had no one to tell me about all these places nor anyone who'd bring me around. but now i do and i really hope someday soon, i would be able to go to these places with you! Maybe i can persuade dad for a trip in march but idk if  you can make it,it'll be a bigger disappointment which i do not want to face.

<3

Reflection

I feel as though I'm moving at the rate of a tortoise.

The world seems to be advancing way too rapidly and I feel left behind. 'Time and tide waits for no man' taking its troll.

I feel I need to do so much more in a short time span if I want to make full use of my existence and if I want my story to be a success.

18 years have passed! It's a large number actually. I shall take away the first 3 years because no man can remember his life from birth. So that leaves me with a figure of 15. And in this 15 years,I've only effectively made good use of estimated 10 years.

My point is I have not progressed much in the last 5 years. And it took me god dam 5 years to realise it.

Time to pull a leg,buck up, pull up my socks, soar to great heights and the idiom list goes on!

<3

Saddened.

Hello my little space,

I'm disappointed.for once I feel that polys have screwed up holiday timings.I feel my holidays are either too short or ending too early (meaning its ending at the wrong time)!

Everyone's gonna leave just the weekends before school starts,oh great so this little has a decision to make.

To either stay in this not-so-fucked up country or fly away for sometime.to either have a bachelor's party or to be a family girl, to either be an old school girl or be a bunker. To either pursue something essential in life or to meet who I want to.to follow the brain or to follow the heart. To sluck in sadness or obtain happiness.to either study or to attend weddings.

This trip is that important to me. Its associated with tons of things and I honestly don't want to let it go pass me. It has been a long long while since I left this place,all I need is a breather and this trip seems like the only opportunity 2012 has to offer me.

After much thought, I decided I should just let it pass me.I should secure a future that'll bring timeless opportunities for me to travel. I'll try to visit my relatives and fulfill my wants next yr hopefully.fingers crossed.

I feel proud of myself for having an aim to which I truly feel like striving for,keep it up myself! (:

<3

it's a headache to think of a title.

Hello once again,

my title has no link with this post...

I'm still not well, the constant coughing and clearing of nose sucks.Not to mention of how tired i feel, my bed seems the best place to ever be for now.

Oh nooo,i forgot what i wanted to blog about,urg!

IT'S BEEN ALMOST 36 HOURS AND THIS SUCKS.maybe i should make the first move.......

Oh ya,i wanted to mention of how nice,warm and lovely it is to talk to your close or should i say closer friends. I mean you can't just talk about anything under the sun with some stranger you just met or an ordinary classmate.

It felt so good to finally have a friend who has a little in common with me, the same ideas and close enough plans. :D

i'm only 4 years away from what i want and i guess it's time to do something so it'll come alive. Though i do not believe in what i feel i should start doing, i guess its the only way to make my dreams come true unless ....ya.

My mind will change in this matter so don't be surprise if i say something else tomorrow, it's just the beginning of my thoughts,let's see how much crazier i can get :P (i'm so missing the whatsapp emoji of :P right now)

I need to get well soon!

<3

Mind-games.

Once again we're playing mind-games.

It's fun till your brain starts processing and because I'm down with flu it processes at the rate a snail moves.

Oh gosh,this is bad I tell you.on a day when I speak without thinking, he decides to get his answers.and boom,it hits me like a bomb.

I'm gonna say something lame or bit around the bush to get my way around.why aren't any of my friends awake to help me think of a comeback?

It's okay,I cab do this,hwaiting!

Goodnight

<3

Appreciation - Dad

I'm loving my dad more each day because he suddenly is treating me like his princess.

He doesn't scold me that often nor nag at me for not doing household chores or looking after him.

It's a happy Tuesday today! :D

I woke up to not having to do my share of household chores and not having to wash the toilet.
And Dad made the day even brighter by buying me a new fan out of the blue. and i was allowed to be lazy by starring at the tv up to now.hehe.

Yay,i'm so happy.

He has been trusting me more too. I can see it, but I do not know how to explain it in words over here.

I really hope dad stays as nice as he is now so that i would be able to entirely break the communication barrier within us. Yes, I'm talking to him more often now and i'd have to say a thankyou to the drama series because it's the shows that make me speak more and more,hehe.

<3

Pushed

I'm sorry.

I no longer know what's going on in my brains and my heart.

I don't know the myth of 11.11 but since i see so many people making a wish i decided maybe i should use that opportunity to remind myself of something i really want. but now it doesn't make sense anymore because i no longer know what i want. i tell myself i want ......and then the next moment i go 'do i really want this?' or do i want .......

Internal conflict is by far one of the most disastrous thing that exist in my believe. Its a hard struggle to go through and get out off and i feel i'm getting trapped in it. I need to pull myself out but i do not know how..
What can i do to take a peek within myself and to find out what i want?

Environment plays a huge role in this too, which is why i constantly want a get away so bad but I guess in the society i'm leaving in its to early for me to make my own decisions and to roam free though i feel i am capable of doing so..
I mean my life would be a whole lot different if I'm left independent.  

Feels like I'm writing an essay,haha....

Coming back, I feel as though I'm pushing you away with my what seems to me annoying replies. I'm sorry but it's only because i don't want people to have high hopes and expectations only to be let down. I need to find a focus before i can get things going.

I know I'm weird, you probably think so as well. Who on earths tell people their dark side, well hi there, i'm one such person. But hey, i like the way i am so if you don't then fuck off. 2 options, either accept me for who i am or get the hell out of my life.

I do appreciate your thoughts towards me but it's always easy to speak than to do. Maybe your lifestyle makes it easy to do certain things which seem really tough for me and vice versa so ya I'm sorry if what i've said wasn't what you were expecting....

<3

Annoying kid

You know your life is fucked up when some kid starts to lecture you.

Everyone dislikes their parents nagging at them so just imagine how it feels like to be nagged by a kid.

Though it is good that the kid is knowledgeable about what is right and wrong and everything but it os fucking irritating and to me I feel disrespectful and rude for the kid to be literally NAGGING at an adult.I don't mean the kid shouldn't correct the adult when he's wrong but fuck it kiddo naggings not the way to go.

Being the youngest and having a lot of different views from my siblings and parents,I never once nagged at them nor said anything that a small child isn't supposed to

Yes call it ego or self-respect or dignity.but it eats my head up. What are you trying to prove by nagging at me. I do things after much thought and as a kid maybe you don't understand that and that's the only reason keeping me from screaming my head out at yoy for repeatedly NAGGING.

Fucking faggot needs to be taught some useful skills such as when and when not to say and do things.

I've had enough and I'm not tolerating anymore. One more time this happens I swear I'll snap and it'll be the worst thing ever because I foresee everyone else being dragged into this.

Just because I did not justify myself doesn't mean I'm wrong.I bet if I play my trump card none of you will have anything left to say.

Keep your life simple and avoid problems - my motto in life makes me say little though I talk a lot of crap the truly sensible things are kept within.

Now I'm really curious to know all of your answers to a question that I feel will leave not only the kid but everyone else dumbfounded.

Rage mode and all anger related feelings should be kept just within this space so chaos for now.

<3

Hack the title

Hello hello. I'm supposed to be asleep but here I am.

Beware,this post is going to be frustrating.

After much thought abt the convo I had with yang the other night,I decided to try and figure out what he meant,if he was serious or not and all the ifs...

So as what I am known for, I dropped the bomb at the slightst opportunity but to no avail.

To the future me who'll at some point read this post:

I hate people who bit around the bush and do not come out up front and direct.you can't always be hinting here and there because it makes people guess and their guess may not be accurate thus creating a series of misunderstanding.

I also do not like people who shove away what they've been asked,whether in communication form or a physical act.

---

I'm tired of reading minds and fixing the puzzle together. Just when I thought my life was going to be smooth for a period of time,one where I do not need to have unnecessary worries on my mind,it hits me again,maybe I hoped for too much,too early.

You must be wondering the cause of all these frustrations.

It's because I cannot decipher what one is saying and it makes me fucking pissed when they just hahaha,smile,or change the topix to avoid answering.

Just gonna end with this convo over here:

'what type of boys do you like?'

'simple and has a good personality'

'I'm simple and have a good personality'

'what's your point of telling me this?'

'hahaha,I'm tired,I'll talk to you tmr'

So what say about this? Doesn't it make your hands turn into a fist ready to punch the moment the doosh is in front of you?

<3

Smile.

There's bound to be a smile on the face if everday is just as simple yet amazing as today.

No,nothing special or different happened,I just feel good and I hope everday would be like today. Not engaging myself in thoughts that anger or worry me.

From a simple what happen,any problems just because I didn't reply within half an hr to a thankyou,I received it in response to an email which was unnecessary.From a good morning to how was your day today. All this little things means so much to me.

So thats just about the reason to my smile today.

I'm trying to sleep early to fix the screwed body clock but it seems to be making me have a pick in what I want more and this sucks.but oh well,with time I believe everything will fall in place (:

Have a lovely day ahead!

<3

The manly figure called 'Dad'

Everyone resorts to convenience and so do I.

All this while I was a mama's girl and then I got deprived of it. A sad girl was hovering in depression but today she saw some light.

Spending the day around her father and having unusually more spare time,her thoughts made so much sense and a call for appreciation.

So thankful for my dad. Though I've been blind all these years I'm glad my eyes are finally open.I might be rambling all the time but there's a portion of the heart for love of my father.

I realise he doesn't show and express it but there certainly is glittering love and I can see it.

Just small bits and pieces.but hey,it is for these small actions that a enormous picture is formed (:

From immediately looking for me when he returns after a tiring day at work to ensuring I've eaten my dinner and being overly protective that's how he portrays his love.

Being the youngest is awesome because you get all the extra love from everyone.they want to see the best in you,and fulfill all the dreams they couldn't.similarly,I think that's what my dad is doing.

It might be irritating to be constantly called out for,for no particular reason but then when the brain starts processing and rings a bell, a smile is guaranteed.

I can't explain what I'm feeling right now.the words that are coming out are not as intense as my feeling - a pleasure to have such a father and tduly thankful for his care.

Maybe I should get to reading and more essay writing before I lose the vibe.

<3

Good or lousy app?

Why was my post live only halfway?

Only the crappy part got posted,urg.

Shall blog more with this so I'll get a hang of it.

So lazy to retype everything,so here's a one line summary:

Dont get why people are asking me to for yang and give up on ppgboy.

Can yoy explain clearly?

<3

New App!

Look,I've finally found a decent blogger app on my android.loving it so far.

I can finally blog usingy phone...this also means this space is gonna be more active due to convenience,haha.

I've started using dot dot dot too much,shld prolly stop.mmm~

why do my dear friends sleep so early or why do I sleep so late?

A question always on my mind at this timing.

Screwed body clock is so stubborn it doesn't want to get fixed,urg.

Oh don't you love how you can not worry about a conversation dying? About not having to worry about not knowing what to say next? Kekeke~

Distance sucks,it drives you insane or it eventually will. It makes you crave more.huh,what am I saying?

Anyways,I can't seem to figure out why my cute little friends

16/9/12

I'm so bored and that's how i've ended up here.

Have nothing in mind at al to blog about so don't be surprised to be reading absolutely crap for the next few minutes.haha

oh ya, results are out,got interesting responds from my friends and family. sissy said i seemed extremely happy about not doing well,HAHAHA. who on earth ever feels that way.well, because i was in the train and smiling....
It feels comforting to hear words of encouragement from all my <3s!

Thankyou for having so much faith and believing in me. It makes me feel good to know that there are people out there for me but the truth still remains - it makes me feel extremely pressurised knowing that i need to excel to make all of them proud and happy.

If only all this pressure could be felt when i sway away into my lala land at crucial timings.

I need to constantly remind myself of what i want so don't be surprised to be reading a lot abt me mentioning abt studies because as i type it helps me remember better,lolol~

So today's kinda the last day of raya,concluded it with uncle over at my place and skyping with maternal relatives back in india...saw 'live' everyone except for le yang's parents and siblings...
got to know a few more facts abt them and abt yang too :D

There's fireworks going on somewhere in Singapore, i hear it but those high rised,well -built buildings are blocking my view. and yes although i'm so old i like to see fireworks..if only i could play some on my own! a must-do item right on top of the list when i next visit india. but dammm,no one would buy it for me,i think :/

this is going to get crappy so bye bye.

<3

i wish .....

it's mid-way through the second weeks of holidays, time is really flying past and i have barely done anything. this is really bad - how i had planned my holidays out and nothing seems to be going according to plans. :(

nevermind,it's okay, i believe i can finish all that i want to before the end of this semester's break.

result's tomorrow and i'm fucking scared. there isn't any reason why i should be because i can guess the grades i'm going to get. i don't want to get those grades because what i'm expecting is horrible but i believe i deserve it since i didn't give my best. i was caught up with my own life, didn't pay much attention at school, always wanted to get home at the earliest and what not.

after the exams, i have found a few reasons to why i should study hard and give my 100% and they're realistic reasons, no longer the delusional. i want to type it out here so if i happen to read my own posts or if anyone else is reading this, can remind me of what i want so i won't walk off the path.

1. I want to be successful in my studies. i feel it's important to do well in my area of interest and not let people down.

2. I want to be able to support my dad fully in future and be independent - at where i stand today,i'm in  no position to even stand up on my own 2 feet.

3. Getting out of singapore is just a small piece of the big picture , i want to go on a world tour

4. I want to prove to many people that I'm capable of much more than what they think I am.

5. A secured career and lots of earning, for me to build my dream house and be able to fulfill the wishes of my family.

Here's just some simple reasons to keep me going.

Can't believe i was so stupid so so stupid to be wanting to do well because of a dude. i know somewhere inside me that's still one of the reasons but well, it's no where on top of the list.

The purpose of this post was to tell you that i no longer know what to wish for...holding my eye lash on my fingertip ready to blow it away..i started with the 2 usual words "i wish" and then i was dumbfounded....reality hit it right in my face, i no longer know who i am,what i want. it's scary. i see no sense of direction to make myself turn in. it sucks.
stood there,giving it a thought and all the came to mind was 'you don't know what you want'. uh fuck this shit.i shouldn't take my life to such depths, but what's the point of living then....? can you explain it with a strong stand?

<3

urg.

hello my little space,

I'm not feeling very good right now.
Dad's screaming over the phone,scolding his brother for the past half an hour. it's not only disturbing that a brotherhood here is at stake and a lot of other related things but its also piercing to the ears. haven't heard my dad so angry and so loud in a long long while,its been years. i can't shut my ears and this is making me feel even more agitated.

On the other hand, I'm not very happy with the mentality of my siblings. it's our second cousin's wedding reception tmr and they wanna act like some normal friend and go there just to eat and head home. i think it's bloody rude. i mean when ,my siblings got married they stayed throughout the wedding and if it were for mummy,she'd make us stay throughout too so isn't it our responsibility to show come respect and stay on?
Why can't they all try to understand, i hate to explain myself but they should be able to think of it themselves, what are brains for right?

I would also want all my relatives whether distant or close to stay in on my wedding throughout until everything is over, but with this kind of sucky attitude from my family, i wonder how many people would be present,guess just a handful. ya i dream of a big grand wedding, i see nothing wrong in it. i'm the youngest in the family and i think i deserve it. i mean my siblings have had good weddings too,err maybe except for sissy cause her wedding happened all too quickly.

I'm so frustrated, and when i take a break, i feel i'm stupid for thinking and worrying too much but can you tell me how to stop thinking? it's uncontrollable.

and then i'm so confused with what's happening in my life ever since this guy came in...he makes me feel good, i mean t's nice to receive a good morning message when you open your eyes, and a good night before you close them.
the constant, how are you doing, take care and have fun really makes my day.
I haven't had all this in a long time, not even from my awesome friends so it's really refreshing.
but dang,my brain keeps going back to think you. i don't remember a day when i haven't thought of you.something or the other brings me back there, thinking of the good times we had or at least i did.if only it could last more and go further.

well, what's fated will find a way for itself. i think the most i can do on my part is to try to get something going, well i think i should maintain my friendship.

finally dad has stopped,it feels like i should too.

so long till we meet again

<3