i wish .....

it's mid-way through the second weeks of holidays, time is really flying past and i have barely done anything. this is really bad - how i had planned my holidays out and nothing seems to be going according to plans. :(

nevermind,it's okay, i believe i can finish all that i want to before the end of this semester's break.

result's tomorrow and i'm fucking scared. there isn't any reason why i should be because i can guess the grades i'm going to get. i don't want to get those grades because what i'm expecting is horrible but i believe i deserve it since i didn't give my best. i was caught up with my own life, didn't pay much attention at school, always wanted to get home at the earliest and what not.

after the exams, i have found a few reasons to why i should study hard and give my 100% and they're realistic reasons, no longer the delusional. i want to type it out here so if i happen to read my own posts or if anyone else is reading this, can remind me of what i want so i won't walk off the path.

1. I want to be successful in my studies. i feel it's important to do well in my area of interest and not let people down.

2. I want to be able to support my dad fully in future and be independent - at where i stand today,i'm in  no position to even stand up on my own 2 feet.

3. Getting out of singapore is just a small piece of the big picture , i want to go on a world tour

4. I want to prove to many people that I'm capable of much more than what they think I am.

5. A secured career and lots of earning, for me to build my dream house and be able to fulfill the wishes of my family.

Here's just some simple reasons to keep me going.

Can't believe i was so stupid so so stupid to be wanting to do well because of a dude. i know somewhere inside me that's still one of the reasons but well, it's no where on top of the list.

The purpose of this post was to tell you that i no longer know what to wish for...holding my eye lash on my fingertip ready to blow it away..i started with the 2 usual words "i wish" and then i was dumbfounded....reality hit it right in my face, i no longer know who i am,what i want. it's scary. i see no sense of direction to make myself turn in. it sucks.
stood there,giving it a thought and all the came to mind was 'you don't know what you want'. uh fuck this shit.i shouldn't take my life to such depths, but what's the point of living then....? can you explain it with a strong stand?

<3