Pushed

I'm sorry.

I no longer know what's going on in my brains and my heart.

I don't know the myth of 11.11 but since i see so many people making a wish i decided maybe i should use that opportunity to remind myself of something i really want. but now it doesn't make sense anymore because i no longer know what i want. i tell myself i want ......and then the next moment i go 'do i really want this?' or do i want .......

Internal conflict is by far one of the most disastrous thing that exist in my believe. Its a hard struggle to go through and get out off and i feel i'm getting trapped in it. I need to pull myself out but i do not know how..
What can i do to take a peek within myself and to find out what i want?

Environment plays a huge role in this too, which is why i constantly want a get away so bad but I guess in the society i'm leaving in its to early for me to make my own decisions and to roam free though i feel i am capable of doing so..
I mean my life would be a whole lot different if I'm left independent.  

Feels like I'm writing an essay,haha....

Coming back, I feel as though I'm pushing you away with my what seems to me annoying replies. I'm sorry but it's only because i don't want people to have high hopes and expectations only to be let down. I need to find a focus before i can get things going.

I know I'm weird, you probably think so as well. Who on earths tell people their dark side, well hi there, i'm one such person. But hey, i like the way i am so if you don't then fuck off. 2 options, either accept me for who i am or get the hell out of my life.

I do appreciate your thoughts towards me but it's always easy to speak than to do. Maybe your lifestyle makes it easy to do certain things which seem really tough for me and vice versa so ya I'm sorry if what i've said wasn't what you were expecting....

<3