emotions.

this picture above basically sums up my emotion right now. it's not fair to say i'm at my all time low because there are things which happened in the day which made me smile. i can endure this and i know hopefully by tomorrow i'll be able to grab a complete grip of myself. 

As for now, the focus is not to let me affect others. and not to let me affect me. i had a chain of things i wanted to do tonight and what i'm doing now or have been doing for the past hr or two wasn't on my list and i guess the rest of tonight won't be either :/ it's so fucking annoying to not be able to understand me and why i'm feeling this way. to sum it up it sucks.

i don't think i've mentioned it on this space but recently- maybe not so recent - things between us has not been the same. it's been going down the drain and now i'm fed up of trying to salvage this .

i don't get what's the harm in drafting a decent reply, i mean i bothered to type an essay and ur reply is two words. to me that means a lot. it shows how much you care, what i mean to you and much more.

i thought you were different but maybe and more certainly now i guess i'm wrong.

what i believed to be myths are making me feel they're for real. and it's disappointing to find out bit by bit and even worst when i have to deduce it myself.

for once it feels extremely hurting to be made use of in this way. i am not your personal belonging which u choose when and when not to make use off. i'm not here to satisfy your needs. maybe i should express all of this in your words, i'm human too, i do have emotions and i have a brain to tell me what's going on.

my eyes are filed but fuck no,you're not worth my tears.

anyway, back to the picture i posted up there. 

the smiley face is because at least you responded to me and i noticed that you didn't to others who wished you.. though i have no idea what that is supposed to mean.

the green face is because i knew that i shouldn't expect much at the time i sent the msg, i knew nothing much was going to come out from it but i expected more. makes me wonder why i fall for such a person but then again i can't it can i?

the sad face is because you're not who i thought you were. you;ve disappointed me way too much and i think its reaching the limits. everytime i  get a grip of myself and try to leave the pass behind me, that's exactly when you come back and instill the same feelings all over again bringing me back to square 1. what's worst is that you don't even express yourself making me even more frustrated. how i wish you would read all of this and put me at ease.

i need to know what's going on, somewhere within me there are a lot of questions which MUST be answered.

For now i think this picture sums up the entire situation:

Wedding demands

Though some part of me wants a simple civil ceremony, majority of me wants a bombastic wedding, one where i as long as everyone else would have an amazing time. after all, it's going to be the last wedding in my immediate family before the next generation's turn comes by. and being the youngest among all from my maternal side and the uber pampered from paternal side, my wedding should be much memorable,right? hehe :P

so many dreams even before the man of my life is before me...or maybe he is,heh.
well, there's no harm in dreaming and penning down my thoughts and reviewing it while planning for the big day!
so here it goes.

If i marry a local and the wedding takes place in Singapore:

I'd want to keep it simple and classy.
Day 0: Bachelorate's party with closest friends at some place
Day 1: Haldi and Henna ceremony at home with just close friends and family (Stayover)
Day 2: Nikah at a wedding hall. ladies and gents separated, immediately after signing the papers i'd want the guy to come over, lift the veil,put the ring on,salam,photos. head to the plamain...have the joota churai, salam karai, wishes for us from my side of the family and end it off with bidaai.
Day 3: Breakfast coming from ze family and an awesome day of games, fun and laughter.
Day 4: Reception @ where ever they want to hold it but there must be an aweosme dj, a HUGE cake :D  and again wedding wishes from family and friends and this time i hope to hear something from the guy as well,keke ^^

If my marriage takes place in India (hoping it will,HAHA):

Day 1: Gift wrapping and keeping things properly.

Day 2: Haldi ceremony - I'm going to make sure everyone turns yellow!

Day 3: Henna Ceremony - stayover,make everyone do silly things, play with fire crackers

Day 4: Nikah Ceremony-

I expect the groom to be seated in a room beside mine, and a microphone system to be installed so i can hear what the groom has to say in order for the marriage to 'take place' and yes as crazy as it sounds, i do want to scream my lungs out when i say 'i do'.
After the signing of the papers, i want someone to recite a naat for all of us.
Then i want the groom after he has done all his huggings and hand shakes to come over, lift the veil, put the ring and let me salam him and kiss his hand and have a photo session together.
We can then go separate ways....(lol,sounds drama)

and when he comes back for the salam karai, i want to be there beside him, i want to see him being teased, bullied, being made fun of, and how can i forget being stuffed with lots n lots of sweets and milk by my family .and then the fun part, him having to pay a huge sum of money to obtain his shoes back, kekekeke.

Fire works!

Then time for me to change and all and get ready for bidaai, hug lots of people, be a cry baby for the next 15 minute or so. say my goodbyes and head into the car. i expect the groom to seat beside me! the crying drama stops here. oops,hahaha.

When i'm at his place, i really hope his family would've prepared some interesting games for us. like you know 'find the ring'. and let me into the room before him so i can get someone else to pretend to be me and see if he notices the change before lifting the veil. i'll probably be super mad if he can't tell it ain't me.

and i don't want to be fed so much cause that'll be the end of me :(

Day 5: I wouldn't mind doing the 'cook your 1st dish' ritual. followed by breakfast brought by my family and then our chit chat session. Would be hoping for more fun filled stuff to do if not i'd probably want to sleep after much hetic days

Day 6: Reception -

I want to get dressed then go meet my husband by myself, you know those he's standing there waiting for you then you go and pat him and he turns around all smiles. hahahaha, i  watch too much wedding videos!

Photo shoot!

Head to the reception area and i want us to be seated together on that swing sofa. i probably wouldn't know half the people there so he would be a great help to keep me in the know of who i'm meeting and greeting.

The day would end off with me going back to my home to stay but if i could ( I strongly doubt I can have this) i would want to bring m husband with me.

Technically this would conclude the wedding. There'll be a day when his family would come to bring me home (his house). Then friends and relatives would take turns to call us to their house for dinner.

Thinknig of all of this is much more fun and relaxing than having all this written out. i'm exhausted so byeeee!

How will your bf do after the vows?

Was reading an article on who you marry,matters. it's an amazing article,like a guide to assist you in deciding whether your guy should turn into your man.

Inspired by it, i thought i should put it up here,so i can read it time and again and make a right choice when the time comes.
Ps: i'm only extracting the parts which i strongly agree with and adding in my thoughts.

You might think that the way he treats you isn’t so bad. It’s not going to get better after the wedding. You might think that he’ll change. It’s possible, but most don’t. You might think that you’ll be able to minister to him and help him. Possibly, but if you can’t now, you won’t then, and you will be at risk yourself. A husband should lead and cherish you, not need your counsel for basic personality or behavior issues. 

Unless someone married is very frank with you, you can’t understand how much a husband will impact your entire life. Next to salvation there is no other long term event that will change so many areas of your life so deeply. Here are just some of the ways that marriage will impact every aspect of living. 

1. It will impact you spiritually. 

If the guy is a believer, is he a strong one? Will he lead you in prayer, Quran reading, Hajj, and expand your knowledge of the religion? Or will you be on your own? Is he going to make spiritual growth a priority or do other things come first? Is he going to ask you how it’s going with your soul so he can help you grow in holiness and love for Allah? Is he going to lead the children in this, or will you have to spearhead that? If he's not a believer, than how are you going to go in deeper,and keep up with your worships? How are you, together as a couple going to create your pathway to jannah?

The health of your eternity is at stake. Think carefully. 

2. It will impact you emotionally. Is the guy you’re thinking of going to encourage you, love you, be kind to you, and seek to understand you, or will he want to go out with the guys when you’re having a hard night? Will he listen when you are struggling with something or will he be preoccupied with a video game? Is he going to be annoyed when you cry or will he get you Kleenex and give you a hug? Is he going to going to understand that you are probably more tender than he is, more sensitive to issues and comments, or is he regularly going to run rough shod over your feelings? One woman was struggling to breastfeed her new baby, believing that that was the best thing for her, but it was very difficult. Instead of giving support and encouragement, the husband would make mooing sounds whenever he saw his wife working at it. Well, i would expect my husband to be by my side assisting me to feed my baby. We have to get rid of princess complexes, but we do have emotional needs. Any guy who is uncaring about your feelings and self esteem is selfish and should be left alone.Be careful – a husband can cripple or foster emotional health. 

3. It will impact you physically. Is the guy you’re with going to provide for your basic needs? Will he be able to shelter, clothe and feed you? Is your husband going to assure you that he would work at McDonalds, dig ditches, clean up roadkill – whatever it took to provide for the family, regardless of his gifts and training? That’s the kind of attitude you want. You might have to help ease the financial burden, but you shouldn’t have to carry it yourself, it should work both ways, both play an equal part in ensuring that the family is provided with necessities.

Will the man you are with care for your body or abuse it? If he gives you little smacks, kicks, etc. when you’re dating, get away. It’s almost guaranteed that he will abuse you after marriage, and stats show that’s especially true when you are pregnant. Is he going to care for and protect your body or will he hurt it? 

Will the man you are with care for you sexually? Is he going to honour the marriage bed in physical and mental faithfulness to you or will he flirt, feed his porn addiction, or even leave you for another woman? You can’t always predict these issues, but if the seeds or practices are already there, watch out. Unless something drastic happens, that marriage is headed for disaster. 

Is he going to be tender and gentle to you in bed? An unbelieving co-worker once told my sister that after her first sexual encounter, she had trouble walking for a few days because her boyfriend was so rough. In other words, he wasn’t selfless enough to care for the body of the woman he said he loved. 

Watch out. Your body needs care and protection. 

4. It will impact you mentally. Is the man that you’re thinking of going to be a source of worry or will he help you deal with your worries? Is he going to encourage your intellectual development, or will he neglect it? Is he going to value your opinions and listen to what you are thinking, or will he disregard your thoughts? Is he going to help you manage stress so that your mind is not burdened that way, or is he going to let you struggle through issues alone? Is he going to care for you and be thoughtful of you if you are experiencing mental strain, or will he ignore it? 

You might think that the intellectual or mental side of a marriage is small. It’s bigger than you think. Consider it seriously. 

5. It will impact you relationally. How’s your relationship with your mother? Your dad? Do you love them? Does your boyfriend? Fast forward ten years: you tell your husband that your mother is coming for the weekend. Is he excited? Disappointed? Angry? Making snide jokes with his friends? Of course, a husband should come first in your priority of relationships, as you both leave father and mother and cleave to one another. But parents are still a big part of the picture. Whatever negative feelings he has about your parents now will probably be amplified after marriage. Your marriage will either strengthen or damage – even destroy – your relationship with your parents. The people who know you best and love you most right now could be cut out of the picture by a husband who hates them. 

It’s the same with sisters and friends. Will they be welcomed, at reasonable times, in your home? Will the guy who you’re with encourage healthy relationships with other women, or will he be jealous of normal, biblical friendships? Will he help you mentor younger women and be thankful when older women mentor you, or will he belittle that? 

Don’t sacrifice many good relationships for the sake of one guy who can’t value the people who love you. 

So how will your boyfriend do after the vows? Because this is just a sampling of the ways that a husband can bless or curse his wife. The effects are far reaching, long lasting, and either wonderful or difficult. True, there are no perfect men out there. But there are great ones. And it’s better to be single for life than to marry someone who will make your life a burden. Singleness can be great. Marriage to the wrong person is a nightmare.  

Don’t be so desperate to get married that your marriage is a grief. If you are in an unhappy marriage, there are ways to get help. But if you’re not married, don’t put yourself in that situation. Don’t marry someone whose leadership you can’t follow.

Amazing read and a source to get yourself thinking isn't it?

Tumblr expresses what i don't say

2013/4/21

I'm back!

lost in my own delusional thoughts,i no longer have the mood to blog/to dictate my feelings.
it seems the best option is to keep within oneself and secretly hope things change for the better or if it's already good enough for it to remain the way it is.

it's been a week since i came back from my trip to my ancestral home. while it was refreshing to see the familiar faces greeting you it was rather an eye opener to how different other people's lifestyle is from my own. how their thinking conflicts from mine and how we do the same thing differently. it was definitely a learning experience and it raised awareness in me, can confidently say i'm a more cautious person now. it's amazing how despite all the differences we can live,laugh and have so much fun under the same roof without arguments and fights.hmm,well that could also be due to the fact that my stay was extremely short!

i'd love to go back there again really soon and stay for a bit,say a month or two. shall try proposing this to dad and ask him to grant me permission say maybe after i graduate with my dip? :D

school starts tomorrow and i'm not prepared. suddenly feel the holidays are too short and have flown past way too quickly.

well,whether i'm prepared or not, reality would soon kick in and so here's to hopefully a marvelous year ahead~

lost it

As the title reads, i lost it last night. after many years feelings just over flew and in no time i was in tears. and this caused me to fall back sick with a runny nose and sore throat. how crying can so quickly affect your health amazes me.

no, i didn't lose it because things between us is falling apart. in fact during the influx of my over thinking process yesterday,i saw some light in us. i believe if i truly want it then i can make it happen but oh too bad i don't really want to make the first move...i still need time to think through it properly.

and in admist all of those i felt like i should talk to you and ask you if you know what happened while she was there.

felt as if i needed to share my saddening story in detail with someone, i'm surprised myself at how vividly i remember everything, thought i've successfully moved on but i was wrong, very wrong.
and as tears rolled down you came to my mind, felt as though you're the right person i should go to but how could i forget your behavior towards me? that turned me down and i laid there silently trying to get a grip of myself but then i failed yet again. it got so bad that i was coughing madly and started nauseating.

so much for wanting to have an early night yesterday. went to bed at 10 fell asleep probably only at 2,sighs.

may the odds ever be in my favour.

down yet again

it's stinging like the most painful bite of a bumble bee. (i'm bad at all this metaphoric stuff but oh well)

It feels like the heart just sinks everytime i re-read the message. yes,i know i shouldn't be so stupid to keep going back to re-read the message but i just can't help myself...what do i do? i don't understand! where did we go wrong? what happened along the way? i really don't know.

it's so sickening to know that i'm affected my minor stuff,and though i'm aware i'm unable to make myself feel better,doesn't that suck even more?

and it's such a pity i turned to this space yet again to express my downside feelings.

can someone please tell me there's nothing heart breaking in this message?:

"sorry...my class is about to start...i'll talk to you later..bye"

:(

March

Hello,I'm back after sometime. 

I can't say i was busy studying for exams cause that was just countable days. i really have no idea what i'd been up to but it seemed busy. but i'm free now,till the end of this month. probably this is going to be the free-est month of the year and maybe even up to 1st quarter of next.

Well,its time to play hard and live while i'm young.hitting the big 2 next yr. not to mention how i already feel old upon hitting 19.

I remember when i turned 18 i got crazy,i wanted to do unreasonable things...i even made a list remember? well the list is still there somewhere far back below this post and i can't be bothered to dig it up because i was awaken towards the end to realize that somethings i wanted to do were stupid so i left them undone and for others that i could not complete,i'm sure opportunities to do those will arise (:

As of now i really wanna learn scuba diving. okay maybe not learn but just experience.sounds ridiculous considering the fact that i cant even swim :/ i wanna learn,is anyone willing to teach me? :D

The urge has increased since the past few days after i saw photos of my bro's trip to bali for diving back in his teens. he was saying experience everything you want now because you don't know whether you'll be able to or not in the future. i agree with him. being a brown girls is tough. it comes with  a lot of expectations some of which you may not even know. everyone's future is a mystery to be discovered each day...what will happen if i marry a brown guy whose family is very traditional.that'll probably be the end of my freedom,haha. #brown girl problems. 

Yes these days every moment i'm thinking of being desi of living the indian way. my much awaited trip is drawing nearer and nearer,i can't wait,not to mention (:

thinking of planning another getaway in december but i'm clueless as to whether i'll have holidays or not?

and the coming academic year,it's not to be played with. no more slackings because i really needa do well and start thinking of what i wanna do after my diploma. 

this post is already long yet there's so many more things on my mind that i wanna say. #effects of not blogging for so long

and it's already so jumbled up,no proper sequence and all so i'm gonna leave it as it is and come back some other time,till then xoxo~

A new addition

On the 4th of February we welcomed a new member to our family.

Cheers to my rapidly growing family :D

Babies too cutee and I just love shopping for her and carrying her! And her nicknames awesomeeeee too,hehe. I've a feeling I'll forget her real name if everyone keeps calling her by her nick.yes,it's a little difficult to remember,lol.

Anw,my house is currently very extremely lively with everyone living in it altogether.it's a positive thing but it's a bad thing considering how near exams are. Hopefully I'll be able to juggle it well.still thinking of where to study for the next two weeks,any ideas?

And let me end off with well wishes for my dearest Chinese friends.may the new lunar new year being about much more satisfaction (:

<3

MRT

I took the east-west line after quite a number of days ob Saturday and I'm happy to say I noticed a change.

Well,to me this change is actually quite big..

Because previously there was an uproar abt it.

And the change was that the voice you hear in the mrt is now different.it sounds more Singaporean and the announcement is made in a muxh clearer tone and messages are kept short.

For example, they say something along the line of 'paya lebar interchange.change to the circle line here.'

It may sound a little insincere but it's much more direct and easier to register.

The voice is no longer some China person's who can't even pronounce properly.

So yay to this change.

Hope fully all the other mrt lines would change their voices too.

Love how I can spot all this small changes because it makes me realise the government is actually trying its best to improve things.

Not to mention abt the gigantic fans at the overhead stations. The wind from it is just fooyeo!

Keep improving Singapore and keep speaking up for things you're not satisfied abt, people of Singapore! (:

Public Speaking

Public speaking class is for this semester the most interesting class, the one i look forward to most.though i may complain about it, i really have a good time and leave the class with a positive feeling always.

This is all because of wonderful classmates! and i believe my sitting position cause the other half of the class on the other side seem stony.

PS didn't start off all that well, i remember facing technical issues during my first presentation and that initially no one was helping me solve the problem until the tutor screamed at the class. However,after that it has been smooth sailing. they're all really nice people.

We greet each other outside class if we happen to see each other, something which i don't do with my fellow yr 2 classmates,isn't it such a pity?
and in class they never fail to make me laugh and more importantly they're there to support you and not shun you down because they disagree with you. this really helps to boost confidence and makes the lesson forwarding looking.

sometimes i feel that PS class is infinitely more united compared to my own class,isn't it an irony. i only spend 2 hrs each wk with PS class and uncountable hrs with my class but idk why we're not even close to unity.

Its really amazing that such few words can have a huge impact.

Not to mention they're all so cuteee and funny! hehehe :D

Looking forward to the rest of their speeches next wk. 2 more lessons to go only, and i'm gonna remember this cds for life and probably going to miss them.

PS is a great cds in the sense that it makes you more socially aware and gets you thinking about general stuff.

(:

Despite all this happy moments in schools, i'm not able to pick myself up. :(
Last night before i slept, i told myself tomorrow will be a brand new day,with a fresh beginning.told myself to leave the unpleasant things behind but no, the moment i woke up i thought of it,sigh.

Please get him a new phone somehow and really quick.

<3

28/1/2013

Hello my space,

hmm,google once had some social networking site called my space right? is it still there, what's it about?
is it even powered by google? lol!

random thought just flew through ^

I came here to express my happiness for the winning part of the by-elections for Punggol East.
Yes, WORKER'S PARTY,WORKER'S PARTY.

It came as no surprise to me that they won,i mean the lady in blue was the only one who seemed she could do something...haha,what am i saying. however, my political views differ from that of my family and friends. they were quite shocked to know wp won.

I'm not saying wp is the best or whatsoever, but just looking at the candidates the various political parties put up,it was expected that wp would win.

Feel that the ruling party made a wrong move. they are lowering my faith in them. they put up a newbie for a by-election. like hello,are you out of your mind. you want this newbie to run a smc? who on earth is going to guide him and teach him on what to do and stuff..in the end it'll it a losing end for them, a waste of manpower. why not train him up properly like shadow a proper mp first then stand for elections in the next round? he'd perform better with more confidence. however, as a newbie i think he did put up a good fight. but again was it cause he's speeches were wrote for him? or his supporters were supporters of his party and voted blindly instead of basing it on the true potential of the candidates.

Anyway,i feel embarrassed for the candidate from reform party. idk how to spell his name, Mr J i shall call him.  till today i have no idea what his point was. i mean what do you get by shunning your opponents. that's not the way to play the game, losers play it that way! boohoo,but again maybe it's just me who isn't able to understand him. well,its sad that he's deposit is forfeited,its a huge sum of money to me!!!

I feel that the next elections would bring about much more interesting stuff, especially in my area! On the day that the by-elections were announced, i heard a group of people cheering wp when we're currently under pap. wp supporters increasing over here,hmm...but pap is doing a good job in my area leh..


<3

Distracted

In my post approximately a week ago i mentioned "may the smile on face prevail"....
In a confused state whether i should stop being appreciative or not...? maybe stop having expectations is the answer to everything. feels like every time i feel things are good or falling in place it never fails to just shad into pieces all over again.

Was working on my project determined to complete it before i go for my walk but now its not going to happen..Brains functioning way too much right now.

Sleeping is no longer a joy! :(

But absolutely love the idea of this little space of mine, because in times of urgent need to say things without having anyone to say it to or an appropriate place to mention it at, there's this ever welcoming space.

I've noticed myself posting about my worries and troubles more than anything else. Well that's because, lately i've taken on nerd mode and if i'm not in that mode i'm just too busy with tv or tumblr.

Yes,you've guessed it right, i'm here again today to speak about my troubles.

It sucks how i pick myself up to get work going and kicking and then just a phrase or sentence from somewhere,someone just triggers me up causing the sensation of a bomb blast about to occur.

The trigger a few minutes ago was: "the problem is like us.....you are not accepting it then what should i do,tell me."

Yes there's a problem at hand and i couldn't take it anymore so i decided to ask for opinions and then baaam,it suddenly relates to me and this person who i was asking.

This is not the feeling of guilty,idk what feeling this is. fyi, the problem has no relation to us,its completely different.

to the us: it's never gonna happen but he can't stop harping on it,he keeps asking me to reconsider but its just impossible. things that he does makes me feel bad for not being accepting as he puts it. well i'm ok with this situation as long as he keeps mentioning the fact that i'm rejecting.

the problem is problem. i cannot solve it and can't do anything to make it better and that's what kills.

Another thing on mind is dad's sudden interest in ahem. can't even remember if i've mentioned ahem's name on my blog but oh well let's make do with ahem. this situation is like a tangled roll of thick thread in my head. i cannot untangle it unless i open my mouth to ask thousands of questions, something i'm not up for at the moment.

Dad's issue aside, kakak ipah was asking me about him today too. It began with a question to an answer of no followed by you're lying, you do talk to him and i know it. ohhh shit..actually i'm ok with all of them knowing we talk but i don't to put off a wrong impression. so it ended with ask him about it.sighs.....

Praying really hard for le buddies to set sail for the better. Guilty of not talking enough to her and ensuring she's ok. want to meet her so badly but it doesn't look like its possible so all i can do is pray and pray for the better.

Missing the girl in thailand. her life's on a crossroad too.

so many issues in my head and not to mention on how much i am missing my 2 sweethearts!!
haven't met them since last yr! we sure would have so much to catch up on when we next meet. and waiting for march to come feels like forever a right now.

really thankful that i'm not the sort of girl would just breakdown and cry at everything.

may things move for the better and the better of all our lives.

Xoxo-

Thirst

Feeling super thirsty today,have been drinking lots of water but it ain't helping.

This means something...I probably spoke too much today.

From greeting Ms Lau in the morning to responding to 'how much did u get' to discussing company law to talking to le mysterious guy after super duper long!(he looked really good today!) to rehearsing for convy to casual convos with the group mates to bitching around with le good friend to spending the entire afternoon with the other good one to speaking non-stop to my adorable babies in the evening.

I'm exhausted.

The ulcer is finally getting better.didn't know I ulcers could appear because of accidentally hitting the toothbrush to the gums! Hahaha.yes that's what happened to clumsy people like me >.<

This week is going pretty much nicely,like I had expected it to be really hectic, chaotic and bad but hey I've been managing and am proud of myself for it :D

Angtsy-ness seems to be gone since today too,woohoo.thinking back, I think i'm quite freaky when I'm angtsy.I'd be scared of myself if I were not myself,makes sense.yes it does,haha.

Heading to school super early tmr cause we're super kiasu.doesn't kill to be so for desired grades.

Gonna keep s super look out for jy and walk to school with her.eggcited for no apparent reason,hahaha.

May the smile on my face prevail! (:

-Xoxo

13/1/2013

2013 had a pretty good start with things falling into place. me knowing what i really want to do and focusing on them. me knowing how to manage my time and prioritize my work. but then came a day that just ruined everything.it was just all gone within minutes just when i thought i've got a tight grip.

well,its okay.i'm going to overcome all of this and i know it.what's life without challenges after all. how are you going to know how strong you are if you're never going to fall,right?
Thank god,i'm still positive with all of this because the day i'm not,its going to be the end.

Been procrastinating with all of my work. There's this whole long list waiting to be cancelled off. I don't understand why projects and tests must come at the same time. Really hope i'll be able to finish everything with flying colours, in a need to score well.

Don't like how everyone has a very high expectation of me.its horrible to disappoint people when you don't meet their expectations. Hate it how some people are just so nossy that they only make conversations with you just to know how you did. it sucks. not because you don't want to let others know how you did but because it just destroys you from within.

Have let not only myself down but also my family and friends. and even people who probably don't even care about it - ehm,classmates.
Really hoping to secure at least two As or even better Zs this semester and now am unsure if i'm able to do it.sigh.

All of this feeling low shit, is not only associated with school.

I've been trying my best to fulfill my new year's resolution or rather kick a healthy habit into myself but i can't seem to do it. the feeling of failing is not something i can tackle. i'd just give up overtime and i've done it too many times and it just has to stop.

and then there's this thing about not being able to say goodbyes. i don't understand why every year i have to bid farewell to someone close in some way. its just saddening. just the thought of it makes my mind wander way too much. hope i don't have to say anymore goodbyes in 2013 and better still for the next few years.

and then there's this stress of travelling. its so overwhelming that it takes away my precious sleep.have been talking way too much about this that i don't want to repeat it a x'th time.

no matter how i much i don't want to talk about this, i can no longer keep this within me.i can't even share it with anyone, be it a friend or a family member.maybe i can only do it with the person whose involved in this or some random stranger..both of which is not an ideal choice,it might just complicate things a lot further. all i can do i suppose is hope for things to go back to normal,or my feelings to just vanish.

may the remaining approximately 350 days of  2013 be as amazing as when it started.

<3

1st sunday of 2013

What's so special about the first sunday of the new year?

Well,maybe something that is unusual, is what makes it special but in a bad way?

Sundays without you is not a complete sunday. still one hr left to the end of sunday,please come by cause right now you're the only thing on my mind.

It's all my fault for coming up with such thoughts and expectations. I should've known that you'd be busy on your only free day. I mean, who am i to you,right?
Silly me dreams too much..
I should just spend my youth carefree and enjoy and be wild. Since in the end whatever is meant to be happens so i should not put in effort on my part?

All of this philosophical theories/sayings, are mysterious.
It can still be argued so what am i suppose to make out of it? i really don't know right now.

Put in effort and if it isn't meant to be leaves you broken and back to square one.
Don't put in effort then how's it going to be if it's meant to be? Miracles don't really exist in my world so howwww?

I'm trying to settle my life right now but i seem to be screwing it up more. hmm.shall just believe what's meant to be will be and i shall just do what i think is right,yes,this sounds legit.

Anyway,i'm really missing you so much today,i don't know why.please give me a good start to the coming week?
I won't say a thing throughout the week, am planning to really put my heart and soul to my school work, so much pending and much more upcoming.sighs.

This posts seems so ........k bye.

<3

When you don't know where to to go

Jab kuch samaj mai nahi aata and jab maloom nahi hota ki aapni maan ki baat kis ke saath share kaare to this dear blog is always here.

On the first day of 2013 I was determined to be back to my old sociable self.a noisy girl in class who makes friends easily and can have a casual convo with almost anyone.

But today,I feel like retreating from the world all over again. I don't know what triggered me but it's really how I feel..I can totally see myself being that typical girl who stays in her room all day watching tv and spending the time on the computer,on tumblr particularly.

Oh well,that's not my point.I have no problems with staying home and doing chores.

Baat to friendships ki hai.mujhe aisa kyo lagta hai ki meray pass koyi karibi doost nahi hai? Sab log aapni aapni life mai itnay masroof hai ki meray baaray mai socchnay ka waqt hi nahi?

Kuch waqt phelay mai aapnay doosto ko lay kar bahaut shukar guzar thi par aap aisa nahi raha.

I think I know what the problem is.larkay.yes larkay.jab unkay life mai larkay nahi thay tab hum bahaut karib the.now that there's someone,its all retreating.

How do I salvage this?

Mujhe unsay bahaut baatain karni hai,even if I have nothing much to say.magar I don't want to be making the first move all the time.I feel I've been doing it way too much.it takes two hands to clap.so I cant be in this alone.

Maybe mujhe hi samajnay mai deri hogayi.kya pata unko ab meri zaroorat nahi hai issy liye baat ya phir milna choor diye.

Mujhe bhi dekhna hai ki kitni derr baat wo log mujhe baat karangay. Let's wait and watch.

Maybe the saying - new relations cause old ones to be forgotten is true.

On a side note,so proud of myself for this partial post to be in mother tongue! Achievement.*pats self*

Really hoping to feel better.

UDSS

Today being the first Saturday of the year marks the beginning of mother tongue school.

I remember how I used to hate attending classes.firstly because it was on Saturdays, I mean I always felt that I deserved the 2-day break each wk from school.

However,after timeless explanations and the company of my beautiful mother I went without fail ob every Saturday.

Which person would be so nice to sacrifice their time doing absolutely nothing but waiting in the school compounds for my lesson to end.well that was my mother.

It was like she was attending school to.

We enter and leave the school at the same time.

Then I moved on to secondary school and things changed tremendously. I had to go by myself...I still dreaded it but soon enough I found a reason to motivate me.this brought me through the next four years.

Now that I've graduated from it and experienced unpleasantness which never fails to remind of mother tongue school, I don't want to ever go back there.

Today was a tough escape. I wonder if I'll be able to escape next week and the other upcoming Saturdays.