bye 2012,hello 2013

give it a thought, why is it such a big deal just because it's a new year? i mean, its just another day.you practically don't feel any difference...its an ordinary day made big by society,by individuals.
think about it every 1st of jan is made big, people celebrate it, they enjoy themselves, they scream out happy new year.
but why don't they do the same on other similar occasions? like chinese new year? its the beginning of a new lunar calender year also and why not on the first day of the islamic calender?

it just doesn't make sense to me. would appreciate it if someone to explain this whole thing to me.
anyway, such occasions are always a good time to look back and pick up meaningful lessons and to learn from mistakes. retain what's good and change what's bad.

so here's a reflection on my 2012 (let's see how much i can remember) :

January
I don't quite remember what happened except for fauzi's birthday, ice cream cheft with bimbz and henna's reception.

February
This marked the official end of my 1st yr in poly. exams during my birthday for the 1st time in life and a quite valentine's day. 18th birthday made memorable by my awesome family. there was also a 29th this yr,hehe,lehan turned 4 and finally had her first celeb.

March
Started with a bang. Tried new things and saw life with a different perspective. not to forget my weird hormones started to kick in right here. Lots of outings with le friends and more with family.

April
Yr 2,not a good start - huge transformation of self behaviour in schoold grounds :/

May/June
Can't remember what i was doing in this 2 mths. Ah girl was having her intern during this period? and i was super crazyly mad in my own bubble?

July 
Holy-month of ramadan. Disappointing moment when i knew i could not travel this yr :( remember feeling super tired,idk why.

August
Hari Raya amidst exams. Shopping for raya outfits for the first time,aha,i sound stupid here but oh well. Raya Bazaar with ah girl <3

September
I don't know if it was in Sep or not but byee to my horrible obsession and the bubble finally burst,yay! and hello to new person in life. HOLIDAYS! :D A good break from everything.

October
First working experience, shopping for india, sad ending of the month with me being in sg by myself and dreaded back to school.

November
Lots of weddings which i could not attend. spend lots of time at home, practiced home-making skills, haha.

December
Family reunion,after 2 long months. mid-sem test.and finally a break,yipee.

Hmm,my life sounds so mundane,like nothing much happened.
Can remember myself making so much mistakes along the way, so many learnings took place.

In short, 2012 has transformed me to a more independent and sensible girl. it showed me a lot of things  and changed my perceptions too. i think i'm a better me now.
Thankyou for the changes and for being an eye opener (:




Welcoming 2013 with only one aim. Don't want to have too many in fear of not accomplishing them.


And the one thing is to be a more religious person. insyallah. yes it's about time i look into this aspect.

and of course i'm hoping for the year to be filled with exciting events and a less dramatic life of mine. things should begin to be stable.hehe (;

In a few hours!

<3

29/12/12

It's the last Saturday of the year and rather well spent.

I love family time although what we do most of the time is just stay arnd the house and eat and watch a movie and have endless chats. But its just <3<3<3

today was good.went out with le sis n bro then had family time with a nice movie and tea break and chats and laughter and lots of photos and a great dinner.

House was left in a mess but it was worthwhile (:

Besides that.I just have so much to say to practically everyone but  words arent just coming out of my mouth.other then last night when I had an argument w le sis.

Oh and really thankful for the gifts from ally siblings.have been receiving quite a number of stuff and I totally love all of it.today's gift just touched me :D

A random thought just flew in.if he's younger than me why would my grandma have match made us together? From what I know, in the olden days, their believes and all was that the guy should be older?

So it doesnt make sense.I want to ask so badly but I'm not going to.things seem to be.....idk.maybe it's just me and my excessive thinking.

Oh well.

Really thankful for everything that's been happening in my life.alhamdulilla for each event whether small or big or happy or sad because I believe everything happens for the better.

Cheers,

<3

Ice cream buffet

this holidays,it seems like i only did 1 productive thing and that is ice cream buffet with my dear friend.

have only spent 2 days out with my friends so far in the past 2 weeks.its kinda sad.nevertheless,i've had a good time with my family on several days, the weekends and christmas to be more precise.

convincing dad for travelling during the next break is still on-going. hwaiting~

so ice-cream buffet. we decided to have a proper meal first before the buffet so wow it was too much fooood!
we had a main course each and a side each - they were having some promo which gave us a side or ice-cream for free....so we took the side cause we were going to have ice cream alr anyway...yummy food made us quite full just half way through it.

then came the buffet, one should go there empty stomach and just simply indulge in the ice cream..it'll be totally worth it!

8 choices of cakes excluding brownies.

so many flavours to choose from,they had normal ice cream and gelato. didn't really like the gelato..maybe it was the flavour we picked. ice cream was yummmmy! i chose the flavours that they don't have in their normal menu,cappucino cookies is extremely yummy for coffee lovers! <3

lots of toppings to choose from too.from dried fruits to fruits  to ice kacang toppings (chendol,nata de coco,etc) to chocolatey treats and cereals and stuff.

they also had fondue both chocolate and white chocolate and strawberries and mashmallows

Chop chop station which we didn't try.saw no point in it. we could just mix out topping with our ice cream on our own so....

that pretty much sums up our eating spree! wasn't in much of a mood to shop so decided to fully indulge in fooood,hehe.

cheers to completing one more item on my 18th to-do list, i believe 3 more to go..wonder if i'll ever complete those,haha.

<3

YTriggered

Just saw a tumblr post saying:

' I hate the idea of someone else having you'

It's at times like this when I really wonder if there's someone else.

Though you assured me there wasnt any a mth ago,how can I be certain it's still the same?

I want to ask but I don't want to go off as insecure and afterall I do know you wouldn't like me asking.

So curious about what happened to the 3 girls.

Oh how oh why.

All this that's happening makes me wonder even more. Curiosity kills the cat and it'll soon kill me too.

All this talk less thing,what does it mean? It is definitely possible there's someone else there whose taking up all your time leaving a pathetic amt for me :(

Maybe its all my fault.for putting off a wrong impression.shouldn't have said so much.oh well what's done cannot be undone. I'm sorry!

Maybe I should really tell you how I feel.but I'm not so certain myself,so how,what shall I do?

<3

Weirdly amusing

It's funny how when I'm extremely low or extremely high I wish I could talk to you.

You get on my mind even more and if I'm down that ruins everything mOrd but if I'm high your words never failed to make smile.

Its really very strange and I don't know what to do about it.

Hate myself for getting attached to people too easily.it sucks.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm....... Fuck no fuck.I'm not saying it until I'm oh so certain.

berkencan di kampong indonesia

my title today is just awesomeee.
makes me sound like a infinity-lingual pro, hehehe.

anyway let me translate it for you: dating in a village in indonesia

was having this late night chat with my sissy and le domestic helper. so sissy suddenly asked her how she met her husband and stuff and then it was the start of this amazing story. its too cute to resist and therefore i can't help but blog about it...since i can't utter it out to a random person.

as we all know village people are usually more conservative compared to the city peeps. so her husband was from the same village, her bro's friend.they (bro and his friends) used to play outside her house and one day taadaaa,her husband noticed her and they being innocent and guai kids did not date secretly.
the dude had to approach her father and ask for permission to bring his daughter out.father being strict only allowed her to go out to have lunch and be back home within 2 hrs..SO CUTEEE!
i'd be so pissed if i was only given 2 hrs,i mean what can we do in such awhile mannnn?


so they went out a couple of times and then the dude went to the dad to ask her hand in marriage....since it was love,no wonder she married young and now at 24 has 2 kids! oh gosh she gave birth at 19 :O that's me next yr and i can't imagine being in her shoes.

and this explains why she keeps asking me to marry,maybe one day i shall tell her, oh noo,i have no one to love like you did.hehehe

oh please sissy don't question me about anything related to this - i'll have no answers for you cause i'm a lost and confused kid in this matter.

ahhh,i'm still high over le maid's story which she told a few nights ago.

can't help but imagine myself in the village and having a dude coming to ask for permission to take me out...but what if i don't want to go with that dude and someone older says yes? :O

i'll go if the dude owns a bike,kekekeke. over obsession with motorbikes.

Younger guys?

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT'S WITH ME AND GUYS YOUNGER THAN ME.

Oh gosh, I need to maintain,

The irony of me saying I think its ideal that the guy is older than the girl and turns out I don't live by what I say.

Hmm,but honestly who is so particular about who they're talking to?I mean if the age gap is super huge then ya they'll be cautious if not then..urg I don't know luh.

I've been living in this delusion for idk how long and it's :( to find out it was all just a made up story of mine.

For once I want to be younger.though I love february because it's most special-28 days,I wish I was a December baby.lol.here's me just upset.

Feels like you're going away because you're younger.how the fuck do I explain this to you.

What's wrong with her for bringing this issue up.

I'm so curious,I need to know what you found out about him but this relationship between us has turned too sour. It's not appropriate to ask.I can't be so matlabi (can't think of the eng word for this).

Aiyooo.I need to accept that I'm never going to know the conversations.

Brain needs to stop thinking,oh well,goodnight

-Xoxo

Weekend

The weekend started off pretty fun with a short shopping spree in the morning and a peaceful afternoon and family night.

The kids are here for good.house gonna be filled w le lovely family all the way till Christmas..

It was fun fun fun until this morning,

Woke up having a real bad body ache and stomach been hurting since forever.

Oh gosh,body please get well soon.there's ton of things I wanna do and I wanna meet my girls tomorrow too ao body you can't fail on me alright.

In a huge dilemma whether or not to eat right now.I dont want my body to starve neither do I want to start puking non stop.

It just feels weird from within.

Holidays!

Yay! I was happy to wake up today to know that holidays awaits me in just a few hrs!

Though I was pretty nervous and was on the verge of giving up,I'm really thankful I was able to answer every question,every part of it.whether it's right or wrong or if I score well or not it doesn't really matter.because I feel I did what I could.

But yes itll be a pity if I didnt do well cause I could've if I had put in more effort on studying.

Also I would've completely forgotten how it feels like to stay till the end of the paper if not for today,thank you ba and thankyou my friends for wanting me to say bye to you guys before heading off.

Overall I had a good short last day in school for the year.

May 2013 bring more joy and make me strive harder in terms of education.

Yay again! Because my family feels more complete now,I managed to live half a sem on my own.and I'd say a big yes to joint families in future.

Just awaiting Christmas now for a splendid family reunion.feels like it's been awhile!

And though ive been having a happy and rather busy day..,I still end up in my bed tonight thinking of you.really makes me wonder if I ever cross your mind for just a split second in the entire day.I'm attached to you already..too quickly and too much amd too surprisingly.I no longer know how to run away from it but stubborn me doesn't feel like harping on you.so pleaseeee come.

I think I'd better sleep before my mind wanders too far away..

goodnight dear space

<3

12/12/12

Sorry for raping you my dear blog but I really have to let this all out somewhere if not I'll fall weak myself than whose goimy to take care and work the brains to try and solve everything else?

Uh no...just when I thought I coud be a super girl, a splendid sister and a fighter daughter.boohoo.now he's going to have sleepless night and I know it.I'm 100% sure and it sucks to know I can't do anything.and you probably think I'm inhuman and mean and what not for not telling you but I promised and I didn't want you to worry.you were already not having such a pleasant day,

Aiyooo..you know he can't handle stress yet you do it.

What's wrong with the world?!

So many you-s in this post,bet when I read back I wont be able to figure out but oh well it makes perfect sense to me right now so..

I need to be prepared and I have approximately 36 hours to brace and gather all the positiveness I need to handle this!

I believe I can do this.all of this it's more important than my self-created drama life.

I don't even care if all of those people left but i'd be nice if they could be there so I can have a break.but I don't NEED them.

No expectations.



It's not been a pleasant 12/12/12.

I'm a fighter and I know it.

Dramamama

I cannot watch romantic dramas! I take them too personally.

It's okay,I believe one day my love story will be much more romantic and loving and sweet and beyond cheesy than all the dramas I've ever watched.

K bye

uneasy

i'm feeling so uneasy.feels as though my heart is racing to catch i don't know what.
i can't seat still, nor can i watch tv in peace. let alone study. thank god i managed to convince myself to do some housework but its incomplete.fuck all this shit.
i need to exercise control on myself.stop using words in a different context.it spoils the image of myself.
urg. everything feels horrible.what i used to enjoy seems to be irritating me.what do i do? oh help me please.someone,something.
everything seems to be in a mess and it sucks to know..uh dammit.too much tension is stopping me from working.and oh no i have one more paper to go.i need and want to salvage everything.

behaviour

studying for my organisational behavior exam which is tomorrow makes me think of my own behavior.
i believe my behavior pattern differs in different situations. its both a good and bad thing i guess.

at the moment,it sucks and its a disappointment to say that i feel i'm falling weak.
oh fuck,no not again,i need to pick myself up even before i fall.
i guess building a great wall of china would do it all :D

i want to be the girl whose a fighter, aggressive and fierce on the surface but soft-hearted from the inside.
i'm easily contented and i guess i shouldn't show this trait until at an appropriate time...sounds like a plan? hopefully,this would get me somewhere...

feels as though i'm the wanderer who is actually lost right but i know that deep down inside me i've this clear path that i would eventually take.wondering only cause i cannot foresee the amount and degree of obstacles that's going to come before me. i'm not sure i'm ready to take up all the challenges to reach my destination.

please give me the strength to do what it takes to get to my destination.

<3

messed.

it's great to know that people appreciate you but at other times, problems are overwhelming.

yes,that sentence above makes no sentence..before and after the coma topic is totally different.

today started on a horrible note for no practical reason.when i woke up i just didn't feel like getting up of my bed and didn't feel like studying for my test today and didn't feel like cleaning the house. so all i did all morning long was stare at the tv and sleep.

and then a number of them started texted me about today's test and thanks to them i revised a bit and even more thanks for the company in school to study.

and then all the thinking explained my feeling in the morning. fuck this shit.
i don't want to be in that position all over again. urg.

i hate reading people's mind.especially when it says so much and so little at the same time. fixing the puzzle pieces becomes so difficult.

am i a distraction?
who am i?
why does everything seem to be changing?

so much to say but you're not even there to listen.
i shall be patient and wait for your arrival.
you're different from the rest.
please come soon!

<3

i'm holding too many secrets at the moment,please give me strength to contain everything within myself and do what i need to.

beginning of a new chapter.

crucial week starting from tomorrow.i really hope i don't get distracted badly and hopefully i'll spend most of the time studying for my upcoming papers.really thankful that tomorrow's paper is @ 5 though initially i was complaining about it.well at least i can still have monday blues followed by some last min revision before the test in the evening.

i believe its the start of a new chapter in life for me since i guess saturday.

its all weird how people can say so much about you from so far away and by barely knowing you.how they can confidently say everything that's happening is all fated.how can see a clear vision of their tomorrow.how they can change sides in less than 5 minutes.everything, it just amazes me.

honestly, i must be suffering from some illness,i'm 99% sure about this but i'm too scared or rather i'm just too bo chap to even care about it,let nature take its troll. i have external locus of control. which i thing has more bad than good :/
anyway the point is that people praising me doesn't make me feel happy..unless the one saying it has some importance in my life.

its mean to say that some people are not important in another's life when they're there doing quite a bit. idk...maybe i'm using all the wrong words to say what i truly feel.

everything or in fact nothing is making sense to me right now.

i'm back to the i'm lost path and yesterday was the unfaithful night that lead to all the thinking.funny how i was engaging in so many convos and yet had time to think about stuff i shouldn't.

sometimes i feel i'm so fierce but at others i feel i'm not. i need to learn to be fiercer.my current status is stubborn i guess. well that's that people who think on surface level feel.

so much to say but i'm not in the mood.

so for now just i miss you,i need you,come back cause there's so much to say.

all the best to me for my exams this week. may the odds ever be in favour for everything that's happening and going to happen.

songs

Had a super strong urge to blog just when i was about to start studying. the only reason i can't think of is that i'm such a procrastinator. willing to do anything other than putting my mind to studying and focusing on it. so i made a deal with myself. finish notes for 3 chapters before i allow myself to come to this space.so a huge 

YAY to myself for successfully succeeding :D

I must say i find myself amusing for so many reason. and urg, i can't get enough of myself. wonder when i'll burst out of this self-obsession bubble. its not really self-obsession but i can't think of any other word to better describe this.

have i previously mentioned about how certain songs have such an impact on me.not like i listen to many songs but those that i do are those which i can read in between the lyrics...hmm does that make sense?

so the recent obsession is with 3 bollywood songs all coming from that recent movie i watched. and one english song.

1. Challa ki labda phire - its about this guy whose a 'lost wanderer' looking for his phone. musical instrument played is a guitar and its simply lovely!

2. Ishq Shava - the lyrics is super catchy (a mix of hindi and punjabi) and it's a song to be danced to...love the chorus phrase: Ishq shava.. mushq shava..khushamdeed-e-Marhaba..

and it simply means love is cure, fragrance is cure, welcome and enjoy it instead of hiding it.

that last line there is a proverb so the translation is a bit off....

3. Saans Mai Teri - this is a typical bollywood love song from the olden days.you know those dramatic kind and then they have all those scenes,mmm~ it means when your breath mixes with mine, i was able to breath properly..cheesy cheeesy,ehe

4. Red - loving him is like driving a maserati down a dead end street...missing him is dark grey all alone...loving him was red-edddd.

oh and i feel like saying this to someone but i can't figure who:

bebo mai bebo, 

dil mera lelo, 

dil denay aayi, 

lelo ji lelo

<3

self-esteem.

what is self-esteem?

well, in ob's context it is how good one feels about himself. so today i have low self-esteem.. theoretically it isn't supposed to change as the days change, but there are always exception,aren't there?
it's like one day you wake up feeling confident and really good about yourself but on the next you just drag moving your ass off the bed and want to sleep the day away...there really isn't much you can control am i right?

today is just one day that i'm on a low self-esteem. i think generally i have high self-esteem,haha. really think highly about myself though there isn't a really strong justifiable reason for me to think that way..well i don't intend to burst my bubble but today is just an exception.

I feel as though my hormones are all over the place like since i was born...maybe i was born too late cause ya....my parents were over the age to once again become parents when i came by,well i think that way.
so because they were old there might have been something wrong in the transfer of the genes from them over to me.its nobody's fault genuinely, what is suppose to happen would find its way and i'm totally cool with it. i think i'm special and lucky because i've been overly loved and pampered and its such a joy being the youngest and all but today is just jt3ijhbnq'ifkgbjm.

it's one of the days that i look at myself and glaring at me is all my imperfections. they're overflowing and i don't quite know how to react to it.

a day whereby i abandon everything - my phone has been lying around somewhere, feels like i've quite a few people to go reply to but heck it for now and i've done nothing much productive.

hownowbrown cow? 

<3

december.

hello december!

society sees you as the joy-est month of the year so i'm hoping for you to be filled with fun, happiness and love. doubt i'm expecting too much.
8 days to wedding function
14 days to sis-in-law's arrival
14 days to holidays
15 days to sight-seeing
17 days to reunion with the babes
25 days to bro's arrival
25 days to chrismas
31 days to countdown
32 days to new yr
32 days to bimbo's birthday

that was a quick list of things to look forward to..definitely more to come..like shopping and meet up with jen and desi girl just that no dates have been fixed for now..

2 tests next wk followed by 3 papers for mst. i can clear this with little difficulty i hope! time to get into the nerd mode for the next 2 wks at least.

its not even holidays and i have assignments piling up and it sucks because that means i've to set time out during my holidays to complete my fucking work.
school's becoming less motivating by the day and hah i want a degree to...
time for me to think through to set my life in proper in pictorial form.at least i'll have a sense of direction and something to look forward to in the future.

anger management has to be set in place for me too. both sissy were saying that i'm so hot tempered and that i should drink more cold drinks but i already do,HAHA,fail. i just get pissed over small issues ok,i have no control over it and i don't know why. a simple example would be back in the evening,i was watching tv and for some reason the dude in it was speaking so softly n i couldnt hear so i started yelling cause i had to increase the volume x2 from what it originally was before i could hear and then once that dude finished speaking, the next person's voice was like blasting...sucks to keep increasing n decreasing you know....
okay see,i totally went into the rage mode just when i wanted to give an example....
it seriously can't be help..

this is getting crappy so bye!

<3