Rage mode: ON

Good morning to you from Singapore and good night from you from Atlanta. (:
I really hope le brother is getting me some pretty stuff!
and that someone would watch MIB3 with me this thursday. i desperately need to watch it this thursday else my tickets will go to waste ): there's no other nice,interesting movie that i haven't watched. the road looks interesting though but they're only showing it at vivo which is far far away from school!

i foresee a lot of shit coming my way, really wondering if i'm paranoid! but i also see myself being my old-self again. the always smiling girl who doesn't portray much of her emotions but yah definitely with less smiles cause there's hardly any reason to.
i'm interacting more with my classmates but i still see no point in making them what the society calls 'friends'. so in the end i still go my own way after class unless there's project meeting or a break which only occurs on wednesday..really lucky for a compact timetable. though i have breaks on tuesdays and fridays,there's company of my awesome people ♥ 

I really wonder if there's such a thing as post-menstrual syndrome...because i think i suffer from it,LOL,whut!
No,seriously,i'm feeling so angry today for like no solid reason...
So here i am because i cannot control my anger any longer, looking at back surprised at how i managed to type this much without screaming yet.

I foresee the following:
Friendship problems
Group Project shits
Horrible Grades
Outrage at le family
Good girl turning real bad
A broken heart for the rest of my life

That pretty much sums up everything and tells you how much i've been thinking lately...actually yest and today only luh.

Rage time,if you care you'd read if not it's nothing impt anyway...
So ya i've this classmate lets call him tona.he's very good with his words that it annoys me. i can't stand to see him rub his butt into some other clique so just so he'll 'fit in'.then i hear a lot of unpleasant things regarding him from bebo but still he was friendly and one of the first to talk to me in class.so i responded pretty nicely. but now,SORRY.you're getting on my nerves.tona said we should ace the project but till date he hasn't done anything much except talk!the other two groupmates, i dont know what they're tryna do.it's annoying too but my anger is all focused on tona because he set a dateline which he knew he couldnt meet then wtf set for what? apart from this project that we're doing together, i see this idotic tona seizing opportunities to take advantage of me in the sense that he likes to what i'd call sabo me.i fucking hate it.i'm fine with it if you're my good friend,dont even need to be close and if i'm in a comfortable environment which i am obviously not- my silence proves it all.I am not going to give in in any way.deal with your life yourself,you won't get my sympathy.it amazes me to hear that your gpa reaches a 3 even. are you lying to me?i bet you are.it's bad to judge people like that but i really cannot help myself. everytime he opens his mouth,i feel like saying idgaf but oh well that's too rude.i just laugh.mmmm,my style. so lately he's been bugging me with all other work.i mean if you pay attention you'd know.if you attend lessons you'd know.why must you come to me and not go to someone else?! you're friends with everyone what.why me,is the question to which i need the answer to.i know it's normal for people to ask such thing,to make such small talks but i don't want.so i'm putting on the bitchy attitude.i say no to everything he says. if you're lost it's not my problem. if you fail it's not my problem. if you think sleeping is more important it also is not my problem but if it concerns my grade,it's my problem which is the only reason why i do the project on my own.if you care you'd ask and contribute. don't turn the tables at me,because i'll flip it! i don't regret being mean with you,something unusual of me.i don't even trust you with the work but i want you to stop bugging me so i let you do it.you better send it to me by 10.30 a time of your choice if not i'll make sure i irritate the hell out of you.you went home early and yet you can't finish.there isn't a reason why you can't and i can okay! it isn't a difficult piece of work also.fuck off seriously.you're not even worth my time to spend raging and getting angry over.

Fingers crossed. i really hope i'm not exposed,if i am a friendship would be on the verge of breaking. i know said i'll try and i am. things have improved since but then it was a helpless situation the other night.I know it's his and partly my fault for not getting it done earlier. i should've insisted on getting it done rather then spending the time on meaningless talks and games.sighs.i hope such things don't happen again

I feel annoyed sometimes, i don't get why i must tell you everything about us when you don't do the same.it's very unfair but i don't know why i end up giving in.it sucks to be like that you know. i hope one day i talk this shit into you.but it'll ruin our friendship big time,i swear it will. then i'll officially be a loner.fucccck!

The urge to confess has reached my throat.it'll flow pretty fast to the mouth and out to him.it's so weird,i feel weird. i thought my feelings would eventually die but after four years,it's still here. i thought it'll die because we won't meet anymore but no it's still here. i feel as though you've let me hanging. you give me mixed feelings.i need to know what you think of me. why do you make it seem as though you want me but don't want me?are you affected by peer pressure?i'm serious. i wish i was close to ridzwan or sharaf or ryan pai (who i don't even know) so i could ask them about you.at least i'd have someone to confide in. it's funny how the ex st pat's know me but i pathetically know only 2,one of which i've only heard stories of and the other who can recognise me in real life, creepy much.
Will fate bring us together or is it just a test of my life which i'll have to overtime overcome?

I'm not close to my father.i have weird thoughts. I don't want to ruin things,i want everyone to lead their life happily and don't be a hindrance into one another's. i mean there are certain things that i believe we should be allowed to do on our own. a child is not a kid always and parent's need to realise that.

Good girl gone bad is what they call me now ):

<3

good morning~

I think i've never blogged so early before. but what to do this just shows how meaningless my life is at this point in time. first i was late for class,within the grace period though, my aunty tutor had to scream 'late'.then she started taking attendance and i realised that like 1/2 of us were marked 'late'..huh,so am i marked as present or not.confused.
then now she just seats there  do her own stuff and we're like what are we supposed to be doing.okay now i get it.it's consultation but WHAT.the problem has already ended so we consult on what?
from my view of the class right now, i see everyone stoning and ya staring at their phones and laptops.
ohhh look, this classmate just had a fight just outside the class and he was spewing vulgarities which we all could hear from inside.ohhuhh, he's so tensed now and trying to calm himself down. glad that he knows he shouldn't be venting his anger on the class. he's nice,he said sorry when he came in (:
I'm starting to see the friendlier side of my classmates,heehehoho,is it good or not?
i feel at laughing at their conversation but NO they'll know i eavesdrop them.but i swear it's funny.
so ya my loner plan,it's much less severe now though my blogging right now proves that i'm still alone.
i talk to more people now and i smile and laugh more (:
i think i've spoken to at least half the class now,achievement,YAY!
though it's like........meh.
so i want to keep typing and typing till the clock ticks 11 so i can get out this aunty's horrible class.
also so that i look busy and not like a dumb fuck.
though people are starting to communicate more with each other i also see dislikes and anger within them. and i try hard not to judge them on what they say.it's tough.
hahahahahaha,so cute,my classmate is stressed over the woman's charter. she doesn't know what's a pdf file so she's going around asking so many people.HAHAHAHA.make me kan chiong also cause i haven got a copy for myself....i was thinking of just extracting the relevant sections but they're like woah! i swear it looks like a book on it's own...
shall see how luh.if i get paper today,i'll just print a chunk,flood and jam the printer,heheh.
i'm so mad these days i think..LOL.
ohhh shit,i just spoiled the c key on my laptop.i think it can be fixed,shall ask my super brother to do it for me (:
ohh it's funny boy's birthday today,HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRYAN!
he's a nice guy,he still talks to me even though we're not in the same class,you know some people are just arrogant bastards...and the best part is he still makes me laugh (:
and le rachel's birthday too,HAPPY 18TH!
I'll surprise her later if she tells me when her break is and if i'm still in school...hmm,get a cake from sugarloaf?but i dont know where's sugarloaf,LOL, FAIL!
k luh,it's 10.52 alr, i think i can start to pack up?
catch ya lateeeeer~

<3

i'm doing everything but what i should be doing right now.
i'm so confused with my work,never felt this lost before in my poly life so far.
and the worst part is my classmates..sighs. not that they're mean or anything but then i think i cannot clique with them so ya....a bit hard to ask them for help to clarify and get rid of my confusion. so i ask my awesome people and cause we're all in different classes,we have different tutors who say different things and then i just get more confused.sighs sighs sighs.workload has piled up and i'm still procrastinating! it's because i don't know what i'm doing,whether it's right or wrong and my aunty tutor stresses me up and makes me more tensed for some unknown reason,urggg.
i'm on the verge of puling my hair off.
i want to sleep but i don't want to sleep.every shit is confusing me now.
okay,i need to grab a grip of myself and stop complaining about everything and getting angry over everything and talking nonsense and for laughing over stupid stuff and for 'shooing' people away for a dumb reason. i feel as though i'm so rude but i feel unappreciated when i try to be friendlier/nicer.
so what am i supposed to do huh?

ohhh and dammit,i foresee myself being stuck in the middle once again.it's coming from two different perspective.
first between the two girls.i'm so confused with your relationship with each other.i don't know what you guys think of each other. all i hope is that you guys remain good friends for long and not put me in the middle,it's really hard.maybe i should've said i dont know what one is going through so that i could have avoided all this but then again it's quite mean if i'd done that.urg.
second would be between two classmates.oh fuck it.i'm no longer both your classmates,don't drag me in.i know my dear girls don't want me to keep helping but then it's important to give some kind of motivation, encouragement and support at some point of time. and because people in the class don't know each other well enough yet, i think it's crucial to leave a good impression. i swear it was stupid of you to open your mouth.i'm sure i'm going to be nagged at for doing your work for you.you just lowered her faith in you.and in a way mine too. no one's going to believe me when i say you tried.maybe they need to know what the other thinks of them.but hell no, it'll just worsen the friendship.so once again there was an awkward silence. and what else could've happened other than pulling it off as a joke? i just stood there silent.it makes me wonder if you'll tell your groupmates i did it.
i just hope all of this wouldn't ruin the friendship i have with each of you.

okay so important question right now: to watch a movie tomorrow or stay in school to do my freaking work?!

<3

The week has started on a tired note,i'm so sleepy and it's only 9.30 now.
hoping to watch my serials till at least 11 before i sleep but knocking out seems more important.

uhhh,wts, i just realised i have a lecture at 6 tmr,so sian.....but okay i'll have company till 6 so yay!

Today's a talkative day.i think i talked too much,more than i should have :/
urg,idk if i should keep my mouth sealed or let things out.
I don't quite understand some people sometimes and i cannot help but persist on trying to break down the meaning to their words.

I feel so stuck,so lost,so confused,so helpless,so sad!
Le sighs but what's life without challenges and difficulties?
It's the rocky roads you drive through that makes you stand strong through every other storm that approaches and sheds some light of hope and faith that you'll survive.

I'm insane.
I need to stop doubting myself and thinking too hard about what other's are going to think or feel.
I need to be more confident,i guess. i was once upon a time but i guess i lost it along the way somewhere somehow.

I miss my beloved mummy so much,she's still the person who get my undying love in this entire world even though she's not here for me to show it to.
I'm sure where ever she is,she knows i'm missing her hell lots and that i love her beyond words can express and i wished i could've done so much more for her while i could.
When something is snatched away from you,it's only then you realise it's true importance/value.

I appreciated my mum while she was still beside me but i feel i did not appreciate her enough,is a massive understatement.

I love you with all my heart and soul mummy.
No one in this entire world can take over the place you've secured deep down in my heart.

Lessons learnt from you are just amazing,i hope within a short span i can put into practice everything learnt from you. It's time i prove myself to be the ideal daughter you always wanted me to be.

May the odds ever be in my favour!

<3

ho-lid-aye~

Weekdays just zoomed passed me before i could do anything productive :/

My self-declared holiday turned out to be sleep sleep and sleep :/

Regretting it much but there's nothing i can do to unwind my deeds. 

Hopefully, i'll be able to finish off the 7 things on my to-do list before the week officially ends.

Quite a number of things have been keeping me occupied lately.

From being so noisy at home thanks to sissy,to scolding the kids for being so annoying, to my attempt at kicking of my loner plan, to starting on projects, getting pissed at groupmates, feeling extremely lost at stuff, experiencing something so close to heart attack, feeling elated to know that there's this awesome lady i met in school a yr ago who will be there for L03 till we graduate, to know that i can finally share my feelings with someone who also knows about what's going on 1st hand, to missing my 2 law babes so much, to feeling bad about not celebrating boss birthday w him, to have finally watched dark shadows!

This week is filled with extreme mixed emotions some of which cannot be expressed.

It was really hard to control myself from blogging my emotions at the time i faced them but somehow i managed to,yay!

I tend to be out of control of myself at the slightest of things therefore it was a challenge.

I need to stop making other people worried and panic just because i feel that way.

It feels good to be on a unusually long holiday,heheeee.

Here's to a good weekend ahead!

<3

the previous week flew past me.

it was rather happening.

the week then ended with mother's day.

oh gosh, no words can express my emotions towards this.

I miss my mummy oh so much,i'd do anything to have her back!

Everyone out there who was lucky enough to celebrate mother's day with their mothers, hope you cherished it and will be there to show your love towards your mum on every other day and not just on a day labelled mother's day!

so idk what happened but we began to clear out mummy's stuff on mother's day.

found a lot of things which meant truly a lot to me.

like my presents to mom on mother's day,there it was in her closet.

and i got a photo of my grandma too,yay,the joy. because it's rare to get hold of a photo of my grandma. i think there's only 2 in the whole house. as in those 'latest' photos. there's many in black and white,hahaha.

so here's to mother's day:

school this week feels like holiday lessons.

classes are only for 2-3 hours each day and i'm giving thursday and friday a miss because it's only going to be an hr each. but if i can't find anyone whose going for friday's lect,i think i'd reluctantly go........

family law is such a bitch.oh wait my aunty tutor is.

she's so demanding and she puts off my mood to do work.

urgggg.

<3

im possi ble

Today's a happy day,yay! (:
This week's been a happy week so far in fact. tomorrow will be another happy day too.
everything's so happy. okay now i'm just overreacting.
one reason why this isn't a happy week.my phone crashed on me twice which meant i survived without technology till i finally got home in the late evening.
on a happy note,i got a chance to make a call using galaxy note! weeeeeee,felt awesome k! the phone is simply amazing~~~and i met quite a lot of awesome people too.
i feel enlightened today too..you know emo girl unfollowed me so it's kinda a good thing.
i wouldn't have to bother myself with her words and it'd give her no reason to say i'm talking about her too.but meh,you know me this is not my style.i like to stare at the ghost in it's eyes!
talking about ghosts, i wanna watch all the horror movies in the world,hehehe. they're only showing dark shadows for now and it doesn't sound that interesting.
It's sad that i've missed dark flight,cabin in the woods and POV.
Hope to check it online sometime really soon.
So people are starting to interact with one another while i still stay with my plans though there's some improvement cause nice people approach me :D
I'll make an effort from tomorrow on hopefully because i'm coming to realise i cannot always rely on my awesome people as they need time with their classmates too ):
so here's a quick update on my to-do list:
1. Rebond hair
2. Dye hair
3. Register for driving
4. Ear piercing
5. M18 movie
6. Get a new phone
7. Permanently close the bloody gap in my freaking teeth!
8. Plan a surprise birthday party for at least 1 person close to my heart
9. Get a earning collection
10. Experience the work industry!!!!! (feeling sucha loser not having worked even once in my life :/)
11. As crazy as it sounds,i wanna buy a pack of ciggs THIS DOES NOT EQUATE TO CONSUMPTION
12. Ice-cream buffet
13. Shisha?
14. Travel outta Singapore
15. Confront a fear (probably heights) = go to an amusement park and try out the craziest ride
16. Say iloveyou to the person who in my thinking deserves it
17. Have a go at manicure
18. Sleep in a lingerie 


Certain things on the list are starting to feel impossible to accomplish but impossible is nothing because all you need to do is leave a space between im and possible (:


<3

positive vibe

the positive vibe has disappeared from me.

i feel like i'm like mum. she used to be positive and friendly and stuff but towards the end she withdrew from social activities and preferred to spend her days alone and spend it thinking about things.
i somehow see myself as her now. i'm really wondering if it's a good or bad sign.

probably good because she once told me to be like her and watch the next moves of others and observe life as it goes past us. i see myself doing just that. i blabbler less though with the 4 amazing people in my life i still may seem noisy but that's because i see communication as vital to our friendship.if no one makes the efforts to talk after sometime the friendship will start to fade.

however, i've come to a standstill where i don't have much reaction to things. like when i'm in a problem,i panic and get nervous just for the first few moment and after that i'm just like fuck it. when i listen to others, i am unable to juice positivity into them unlike before. ):
i wonder if i've tried too hard for so many things that everything that happens has a numb effect on me now.


i miss my old-self. how often do you hear people saying < that?
i miss being ms cheerful. the one who always had a smile on her face,who could talk to people easily, who didn't mind being in awkward situations and who liked socializing.
i want myself back.i'd do almost anything to have it. but how,what can i do?
standing clueless in this buzzing world.


i've lost interest in so many things. i feel that i sound like i'm dying soon,i really do.

i want to do well in school,i want to study,i want to put in the effort to study but dammit every time i sit with my books i start yawning madly and weird thoughts flow through my mind. idk,i feel like i can make it even if i don't study :/ i don't even know if i should have said my prev sentence.

i want to spend my days daydreaming, in thoughts that enlightens me that makes me happy. 

i hope i don't screw things up.i hope things go well for me and everyone else in particular those closer to me.

May the odds ever be in my favour and yours (:

4/5

Life's really mundane and i'm starting to question myself for things i do.
I feel frustrated when i'm unable to explain for my own actions and way of thinking to myself.
It annoys me how i always blog when i don't feel good about something and not blog about the happiness and things that light up my life.
and yet i'm here once again.
confused and confused within.

today i'm gonna be raging about my (lost for adjectives)  tutor and groupmates.
so our hw was to get the facts of the case done and we did discuss it way earlier this week.i even remember telling them to write it out on the mahjong paper because if not it'll not be a complete hw.
to my amazement, i walked into class seeing my them writing things out on the mahjong paper only then.
sighs. then walks in my aunty-look-alike tutor and she starts yelling at us and everybody else - some for sitting arnd not doing anything,some for no mahjong papers and others for not being able to account for their late group members. sighs again. that's not all. the smart Alec who brought mahjong paper only brought 2 pieces -.- seriously, didn't you guys think? 2 pieces for the facts and what about moving on with our work???
so i insisted someone go buy more mahjong paper from the bookshop and they did for good. every other group was short off papers as well.WOW.
these are times when i really think 03 wasn't a bad horrible class after all - miss all of em regardless of how i feel about them  (:
so we got scolded even more for not knowing what to do and for not following the process and for not enforcing our rules on each other tightly and bla bla bla.

at the moment when my aunty tutor was screaming, i was reminded of the ever famous ms pay back in bhss for her stern and loud character. she has improved over the years though. so i would rate my aunty tutor to be ms pay when i was in sec 2, the time when ms pay would just scream her lungs off. this aunty tutor of mine does weird expressions while scolding, i swear it's funny and it's hard to hold the laughter back.hahaha.so glad the lesson only lasts 2 hours instead of previously 3 hrs.
i was more than glad to step out of living hell but sighs we left our work halfway,wonder if anyone would call for a meeting to complete em.

i see my darling down today but ): she doesn't wanna say anything so i really hope she let's it out via another avenue and turns back to her what i call bimbotic self :D

and today 4/5/12 i've cleared the first stage to me obtaining my license,hip hip hooray.
really thank God for helping me sit through the test and pass it because the book was really a bore which made me sleep at every attempt to read it so in the end i gave up and relied on my memory from the e trial tests.

praying hard i will be able to read and understand and pass the second phase.

<3

school.

school today was a rather happy affair because i saw all the people i like :D
felt so good to be studying together with them. i miss every single one of them.
sitting beside haz for lessons and eating and laughing with her.
seeing sem walk in late and walking all the way to back to find a comfy corner for herself.
econs tutorials where we would hock the back of the room
tort lessons with boss where he would be the only one who makes me happy in the grp
small talks with ep during tort cause we're bored
criminal lessons with my all boys grps where they never fail to make me laugh
crashing each other's project group meetings
and all our crazy,noisy,dull moments we had with each other. it's just not explainable in words.
it just makes me madly happy when i see them around now,i start waving madly and the smile comes on automatically,yay (:
proves i have emotions which means nothing is wrong with me!
one thing that seems to be the same still is spamming the printer and printing lots of stuff,multiple copies (:

it seems to have become a necessity for us to seat together during lectures now. it didn't use to matter much last time,we just walk in and grab a seat but now nonono...

so i merrily ended school today but ........
i wonder why i always happen to talk to his dude at the bus-stop/ in the bus.
i think karma put us together in the same class but somehow we don't converse in class.
so ya, he was telling me i'm so quiet in class. gosh,can you imagine that's the first thing someone says to you after saying hi?
i was shocked,i didn't expect him to say that.
so as what i'd normally do, smile and just appear polite,HAHA
and then he kept saying it throughout my journey :/
at least he figured i knew one from the class from before. and the best part is he never noticed gavin -.-
he asked me if i was lonely.i'm really wondering what he'd say or do if i had said yes. because when i said no, he was like are you sure. :O

anyway,there's make up for mbs tomorrow and i can't make it. skipping the first lesson of my weakest subject (i'm assuming) feels crap. i don't want to lag behind and what's more,if i'm stuck at the second lesson,i'd have no one to ask ):
but the tutor is really nice,i'm loving her even before i meet her. <3
and she told me she's going to ask the class to form groups tomorrow, told me to make sure i have a group,errrr :/
i really hope some nice soul would remember my existence in the class and take me into their group.

all the best to me for tomorrow, for the entire day,for everything i do.
let me survive family law and make me pass my btt!

may the odds ever be in favour,please please pleaseeeeee just for a day at least

<3

Go with the flow~~

it's nearly the end of the second week of school. another 2 lessons with the class before week 2 officially ends to be exact.
i'm out of place,totally out!
thank god for may day holidays yesterday.haha.

had an introduction session today and the tutor wanted us to say our name,class and something about ourselves (hobbies/likes/dislikes,etc) so i said i like to sleep,i was genuine when i said that because i really do.actually i like to dream-it makes me happy.i also like the blankout feeling when you're sound asleep because it helps you forget your problems at an instant. i like cuddling around in bed.
 but no this stupid tutor started judging me the moment i said i like to sleep.so angry! and she said "so what do you do during the hours you're awake" chan leong,sitted a seat away from me said day-dreaming,so i answered her saying day-dreaming and she literally gave me the wtf look,HAHAHA.i wasn't trying to be anal but i didn't really want to express my hobby,likes,dislikes with her because she seemed to be questioning and forming weird impressions of us (students).
and guess what,she continued with a come back, 'you're still young,you've got a life to live,don't waste it away just like that. i hope you'll find something more productive to do soon' i mean seriously,just because i don't say a shit doesn't mean i've got no life k!i aint like you slacker bitch.
sorry,i'm just annoyed at the fact that she combined 2 classes together for her own convenience and all we did during the lesson was to introduce ourselves,how i wish i had skipped that lesson!and what's more,she said because we didn't have our book that's why she can't teach. wow, she's a mind-reader.she knew we ain't gonna bring our books, she knew the bookshop went out-off-stock. ohh you're such a genius.

so lesson attended and i couldn't run off because too many people and i sat quite at the back.not like anyone would be bothered about my existence also.
the break seemed forever.
super happy to have met le darling 10 mins before class. our classes should always be side by side!
ohh ya,how can i forget to mention this:
there's this 04 clique in the class.during the break i sat on the "benches" along the corridor and the 04 girls walked passed.one of em is my grpmate.so she asked her friends if they wanted to seat with me and they said no.but this grpmate insisted she sat with me.it was uber awkward.her friends sat 2 seat away from me and they were talking across me -.-  just nice le darling told me where she was and obviously i'd choose to look for her than survive the awkwardness. so i went "err,you can go sit with your friends" "haha,its okay luh" "no,no,you can go,really.i'm going off alr.see you later"*walks off*
:/ they must be thinking what a bitch i am.but i was annoyed.

happiness began when i saw doraaaaaaa! hehehe,first person to enter class,sat right in front of her and we began chatting while waiting for the rest,yay-ness (:
but honestly,lesson was really dry.but hey, her speed has increased. we managed to cover more than what we were supposed to in one lesson (:
ohh we drew lots for groupings too but then i had to pee so bad i ran off so i don't know who my grpmates are.just take it as it comes.it shouldn't be that bad right?

tomorrow's gonna be the best day of the week because i'll get to meet and talk to my baobeis happily!heeehe.

<3