uneasy

i'm feeling so uneasy.feels as though my heart is racing to catch i don't know what.
i can't seat still, nor can i watch tv in peace. let alone study. thank god i managed to convince myself to do some housework but its incomplete.fuck all this shit.
i need to exercise control on myself.stop using words in a different context.it spoils the image of myself.
urg. everything feels horrible.what i used to enjoy seems to be irritating me.what do i do? oh help me please.someone,something.
everything seems to be in a mess and it sucks to know..uh dammit.too much tension is stopping me from working.and oh no i have one more paper to go.i need and want to salvage everything.

behaviour

studying for my organisational behavior exam which is tomorrow makes me think of my own behavior.
i believe my behavior pattern differs in different situations. its both a good and bad thing i guess.

at the moment,it sucks and its a disappointment to say that i feel i'm falling weak.
oh fuck,no not again,i need to pick myself up even before i fall.
i guess building a great wall of china would do it all :D

i want to be the girl whose a fighter, aggressive and fierce on the surface but soft-hearted from the inside.
i'm easily contented and i guess i shouldn't show this trait until at an appropriate time...sounds like a plan? hopefully,this would get me somewhere...

feels as though i'm the wanderer who is actually lost right but i know that deep down inside me i've this clear path that i would eventually take.wondering only cause i cannot foresee the amount and degree of obstacles that's going to come before me. i'm not sure i'm ready to take up all the challenges to reach my destination.

please give me the strength to do what it takes to get to my destination.

<3

messed.

it's great to know that people appreciate you but at other times, problems are overwhelming.

yes,that sentence above makes no sentence..before and after the coma topic is totally different.

today started on a horrible note for no practical reason.when i woke up i just didn't feel like getting up of my bed and didn't feel like studying for my test today and didn't feel like cleaning the house. so all i did all morning long was stare at the tv and sleep.

and then a number of them started texted me about today's test and thanks to them i revised a bit and even more thanks for the company in school to study.

and then all the thinking explained my feeling in the morning. fuck this shit.
i don't want to be in that position all over again. urg.

i hate reading people's mind.especially when it says so much and so little at the same time. fixing the puzzle pieces becomes so difficult.

am i a distraction?
who am i?
why does everything seem to be changing?

so much to say but you're not even there to listen.
i shall be patient and wait for your arrival.
you're different from the rest.
please come soon!

<3

i'm holding too many secrets at the moment,please give me strength to contain everything within myself and do what i need to.

beginning of a new chapter.

crucial week starting from tomorrow.i really hope i don't get distracted badly and hopefully i'll spend most of the time studying for my upcoming papers.really thankful that tomorrow's paper is @ 5 though initially i was complaining about it.well at least i can still have monday blues followed by some last min revision before the test in the evening.

i believe its the start of a new chapter in life for me since i guess saturday.

its all weird how people can say so much about you from so far away and by barely knowing you.how they can confidently say everything that's happening is all fated.how can see a clear vision of their tomorrow.how they can change sides in less than 5 minutes.everything, it just amazes me.

honestly, i must be suffering from some illness,i'm 99% sure about this but i'm too scared or rather i'm just too bo chap to even care about it,let nature take its troll. i have external locus of control. which i thing has more bad than good :/
anyway the point is that people praising me doesn't make me feel happy..unless the one saying it has some importance in my life.

its mean to say that some people are not important in another's life when they're there doing quite a bit. idk...maybe i'm using all the wrong words to say what i truly feel.

everything or in fact nothing is making sense to me right now.

i'm back to the i'm lost path and yesterday was the unfaithful night that lead to all the thinking.funny how i was engaging in so many convos and yet had time to think about stuff i shouldn't.

sometimes i feel i'm so fierce but at others i feel i'm not. i need to learn to be fiercer.my current status is stubborn i guess. well that's that people who think on surface level feel.

so much to say but i'm not in the mood.

so for now just i miss you,i need you,come back cause there's so much to say.

all the best to me for my exams this week. may the odds ever be in favour for everything that's happening and going to happen.

songs

Had a super strong urge to blog just when i was about to start studying. the only reason i can't think of is that i'm such a procrastinator. willing to do anything other than putting my mind to studying and focusing on it. so i made a deal with myself. finish notes for 3 chapters before i allow myself to come to this space.so a huge 

YAY to myself for successfully succeeding :D

I must say i find myself amusing for so many reason. and urg, i can't get enough of myself. wonder when i'll burst out of this self-obsession bubble. its not really self-obsession but i can't think of any other word to better describe this.

have i previously mentioned about how certain songs have such an impact on me.not like i listen to many songs but those that i do are those which i can read in between the lyrics...hmm does that make sense?

so the recent obsession is with 3 bollywood songs all coming from that recent movie i watched. and one english song.

1. Challa ki labda phire - its about this guy whose a 'lost wanderer' looking for his phone. musical instrument played is a guitar and its simply lovely!

2. Ishq Shava - the lyrics is super catchy (a mix of hindi and punjabi) and it's a song to be danced to...love the chorus phrase: Ishq shava.. mushq shava..khushamdeed-e-Marhaba..

and it simply means love is cure, fragrance is cure, welcome and enjoy it instead of hiding it.

that last line there is a proverb so the translation is a bit off....

3. Saans Mai Teri - this is a typical bollywood love song from the olden days.you know those dramatic kind and then they have all those scenes,mmm~ it means when your breath mixes with mine, i was able to breath properly..cheesy cheeesy,ehe

4. Red - loving him is like driving a maserati down a dead end street...missing him is dark grey all alone...loving him was red-edddd.

oh and i feel like saying this to someone but i can't figure who:

bebo mai bebo, 

dil mera lelo, 

dil denay aayi, 

lelo ji lelo

<3

self-esteem.

what is self-esteem?

well, in ob's context it is how good one feels about himself. so today i have low self-esteem.. theoretically it isn't supposed to change as the days change, but there are always exception,aren't there?
it's like one day you wake up feeling confident and really good about yourself but on the next you just drag moving your ass off the bed and want to sleep the day away...there really isn't much you can control am i right?

today is just one day that i'm on a low self-esteem. i think generally i have high self-esteem,haha. really think highly about myself though there isn't a really strong justifiable reason for me to think that way..well i don't intend to burst my bubble but today is just an exception.

I feel as though my hormones are all over the place like since i was born...maybe i was born too late cause ya....my parents were over the age to once again become parents when i came by,well i think that way.
so because they were old there might have been something wrong in the transfer of the genes from them over to me.its nobody's fault genuinely, what is suppose to happen would find its way and i'm totally cool with it. i think i'm special and lucky because i've been overly loved and pampered and its such a joy being the youngest and all but today is just jt3ijhbnq'ifkgbjm.

it's one of the days that i look at myself and glaring at me is all my imperfections. they're overflowing and i don't quite know how to react to it.

a day whereby i abandon everything - my phone has been lying around somewhere, feels like i've quite a few people to go reply to but heck it for now and i've done nothing much productive.

hownowbrown cow? 

<3

december.

hello december!

society sees you as the joy-est month of the year so i'm hoping for you to be filled with fun, happiness and love. doubt i'm expecting too much.
8 days to wedding function
14 days to sis-in-law's arrival
14 days to holidays
15 days to sight-seeing
17 days to reunion with the babes
25 days to bro's arrival
25 days to chrismas
31 days to countdown
32 days to new yr
32 days to bimbo's birthday

that was a quick list of things to look forward to..definitely more to come..like shopping and meet up with jen and desi girl just that no dates have been fixed for now..

2 tests next wk followed by 3 papers for mst. i can clear this with little difficulty i hope! time to get into the nerd mode for the next 2 wks at least.

its not even holidays and i have assignments piling up and it sucks because that means i've to set time out during my holidays to complete my fucking work.
school's becoming less motivating by the day and hah i want a degree to...
time for me to think through to set my life in proper in pictorial form.at least i'll have a sense of direction and something to look forward to in the future.

anger management has to be set in place for me too. both sissy were saying that i'm so hot tempered and that i should drink more cold drinks but i already do,HAHA,fail. i just get pissed over small issues ok,i have no control over it and i don't know why. a simple example would be back in the evening,i was watching tv and for some reason the dude in it was speaking so softly n i couldnt hear so i started yelling cause i had to increase the volume x2 from what it originally was before i could hear and then once that dude finished speaking, the next person's voice was like blasting...sucks to keep increasing n decreasing you know....
okay see,i totally went into the rage mode just when i wanted to give an example....
it seriously can't be help..

this is getting crappy so bye!

<3