balancing

Feels like I'm running a marathon and each day in the midst of running, i get the urge to come to this space and to just stop for a little while to vomit. but above all the benefits of this little space, there's one huge downside. there's no one to speak bad to me, to provide feedback, advises actually...

It's been approx 5 days since i blogged and i see my life has changed a bit...
Oh wait there was Eidul Ahda in between which went pretty ok with just the few of us.

School has been overwhelming, i just can't seem to keep up and work seems to be piling, will it create a great wall of china 2? maybe if i can't pick myself up.

In this what seemed like a marathon, it wasn't as dramatic as i portray it to be luh, i realized a few things about myself and it kinda sucks to know it.

Life is just playing games with me, i just can't figure so many things out now.
Never received so much love from outside before~

It's so hard to balance all aspects of life at a go. I can see myself falling right down on one side the moment i try to pull up another. why can't i have an all rounder relatively happy life? is that too much to ask for? i don't need an extraordinary life just a simple ordinary one would be lovely.

k bye.
<3

trembling

I'm trembling, my panic and anxiety was temporarily gone when i was around people,mostly sem and i am really appreciative and thankful for her company.

I'm revolving around so much but at the same time so little. oh gosh, i don't even know how to put all this in words.
My hands are sliding across the keyboard really fast and when i stop i can see it shaking.
I can't fucking cannot take goodbyes.

At this moment,i'm in a fix, i don't know if what i did was for the better or for the worst. maybe if she left us all and went to a better place,her life wouldn't be so miserable as it is now? but i would've been stone hearted and inhuman if accepted her goodbye and let it all go away.i wouldn't have been able to forgive myself in the future too. would spend the days in sighs and regret for the rest of my life.

Praying hard for her and hoping she'll have a speedy recovery. I wish i could spend a lot of time with her and shower her with all the love and happiness i can.. i truly believe emotional support is key in such situations.
In this 1.5 years, i've felt i'm very close to her in many ways. one of the friendships in which i felt that constant communication wasn't vital and we could always have a heart to heart talk at any point in time, there wasn't a need to hesitate or a need to look for the right opportunity. love her infinity.

an early morning

So my wednesday's are screwed!

There's this 2hr break thanks to my cds...and look at what happenend on just the first lesson.
I ended an hr early so practically i came all the way here for just an hr of lesson..or more specifically talking,oh gosh. hopefully le girl ends early so i won't have to wait too long...

My phone's irritating me too.it's madly in love with youuuuu! now when i get whatsapp msges,i don't even know until i check my whatsapp.notification's screwed.

Oh and i had an awkward introduction earlier today...i was supposed to tell the class something unique about my class, what was i going to say. i hate introductions okay.if you know me then you'll know a lot about me but if you don't then it's just too bad~
So i decided to tell the class i like to see wedding photographs and the tutor asked whose wedding and i said random people and she went errr..okay it may be weird and that's why its uique isn't it..
well most of them said their hobbies or some health related issue..hmm should've said i have a mole on my eye or braces can't fix my teeth or hmmm,i have a fobia of the trackmail. oh look suddenly i can name so many things about myself..

This friendly girl sat beside,she's so cuteeeee. i made a new friend,yay and the credit goes to her luh for taking the initiative to talk to me :D
kekeke,she has my number,will she text me?
no reason for her to anyway~~

I'm so bored oh gosh and in this lab i'm so noisy, the only one spamming the keyboard...there's still an hr more to go before i leave school...

<3

Day 1 of 2.2

It was a horrible start to the semester though 1 good thing - i was early.

Queue to buy books from the basement of the lib was as long as a snake. but yay,we managed to get our books early.

I don't know what was so awkward but it just was. Not seeing people for a long time then suddenly meeting them its just err...its different if they're your good friends. to some people you don't even know what you should do, say hi super enthusiastically or just pretend to not see them?

Jervina loves you!

Anyway,back in the lt, it was horrible. that annoying lecturer demanded we sat according to our classes.so who was i gonna sit with? i just went with the flow and sat a seat away from a relatively nice classmate. and then indian boy to the rescue,hahaha. well, i think i was turned off the moment i had to sit with my class...so he was talking to me and i swear i didn't get him everytime he spoke so i tried to be polite by just smiling,oops :/
The lecturer was long-winded and generous,she gave away lollipops to those who answered her questions.back to the secondary school style,keke. her slides were messed up and  i couldn't understand what she was saying so now my notes are in a mess with empty blanks.

first day of sch with only 2 hrs of lessons and i'm dead tired,what's going to happen for the rest of the week?

May i survive it and pick up from today's fall..

<3

Goodbye

Goodbyes suck big time,probably one of the things that shouldnt exist in the world..

It causes a lot of unrest especially when it occurs suddenly without any warning.

My world feels empty suddenly.the pieces which used to form it have all gone and now I'm left with just 2.

Thank God that it's only temporarily gone,I'd be dead by now if it were to be permanent.

So yes,my huge family has reached safely back in hometown, village.they would be loving the slow paced lifestyle there after years of hetic hell here.

My dear friend would probably be having wine and sulking because she's been taken to a country she didnt want to visit.

My newest friend who grew so close in a short time,which shocked me,myself has gone missing for the past 5 days.

What's worst he's gone w/o saying anything.though I've a strong feeling he's unwell and admitted,i can't get myself to patiently wait. That silly boy doesn't even tell people his problems and that's what worries me most.

And because he's so far away,there's minimal I can do.contemplating to call but if he hasn't read my msges what are the chances he'll pick up?

So anyway, goodbye to le family was horrible.in the early daze they were still making talks abt me going.and then when it was time to depart all was going well till that sissy of mine asked for a hug,long one and baaaam I lost it.

I love hugging,it makes you feel good and is healthy to.not only that it strengthens the bond physically and internally. But a goodbye hug is awful. You control yourself so hard and then when it comes to hugging that exercised control disappears.

So here I am back at home with my 2 pieces of world, one my dearest brothers,sissy and  the 11 yr old chap.it's not that bad because there's five of us but on normal days it's just bro and me,more of me,me and me because bro works late and is exhausted by the time he's in so it's an early night for him. Oh well,cant wait for the long weekends!

And then there's this other 1 piece,probably the only one who reads this space.technically speaking there's 2 people in this 1 piece but ya...they're so near yet so far.that's one reason why Singapore sucks.everything revolves around your corporate life- education,career. Makes those close to you drift away.so annoying.nonetheless, I'm greatly thankful to these 2 people in my life.

I bet youre smiling while reading this cause you know I'm referring to you (;

Loveeeee you more than words can say!<3

Hmm,I drifted away from my title but ohh well,chaos~

Work...job

So as you'd know if you've been following my blog closely, i wanted to have a working experience while i'm 18. i'm proud to say i've got it but then it wasn't a very pleasant one.

While that doesn't really matter because it was the insight i wanted to see. i wanted to see how office really looks like and how the system flows. what's better i managed to squeeze myself into a law firm so that showed me where i might be one day. and i got to learn many things related to my current studies which i presume is very good as it should help me obtain my desired distinction :D

I saw and got to know about of things - the working environment, people's reaction/behavior etc etc.

Early in first working day morning,i got a shock as i've never seen so many people moving so quickly in and out of the same place in singapore in my entire live. Raffles place mrt, a place to be at in the morning and evening if you truly want to people watch. everything is so organised and moving with the flow. hmmmm, kiasu singapore. everyone seemed t be walking so quickly as though they're late.
so ya i was rather awkward as i strolled my way out with leisure on all working days,hahaha

my english and more importantly attitude got worst just after 5 days of working there, see the impact :O
they're all so mean and vulgar, i think it's just that firm luh. why can't they work harmoniously and get things going with a smooth flow than taking out their personal rage on each other's work and causing hindrance and trouble to so many people?!

well, it was a eye-opener, one to tell me to be more alert and smart when i officially join the workforce in a few years time. i'm sucha lazy bitch. was telling my sis on how i should just be a house-wife.life'll be great.
i agree that that's the hardest job but then i don't have to interact with mean people and i can be my own boss and move freely.

by just working for 5 days, i hated my routine. i can't survive on the same routine everyday. i need to go out,to different places. hahaha.

but i'm thankful for all my short-time colleagues for being friendly with me, those who were not,just missed an opportunity to know an awesome person,HAHAHAH,i've got unimaginably thick skin,pardon me for that.

in this journey i experienced both hilarious and rough moments, well i missed out on the sentimental emotional part,hahaha.

oh and i earned myself some money!! yay, shall attempt to save at least half of it.

<3

Wedding~

As usual i spent most of my time on the net looking at wedding photographs and videos.
and i've come across lots of beautiful things.

This post is intended to keep me reminded of my favorite things which i'd want to include in my own wedding. everyday is a day closer to it but .......what if i don't ever get married? boooom,okay i'm just kidding.


This is a gorgeous outfit. loving the colour too. most fav!!!


an amazingly elegant cake.love how perfect the details are


I don't know if I'll be able to give the guy his wedding suit but if so,this'll be aweeeesome


a special invitation for my girls! <3


a sari or do you spell it as saree? feels like a must,idk why...


A sequinned gown,maybe?


cutie gift for the kiddos, to keep them entertained while @ the wedding


for le engagement preferably in a diff colour?


A sparkly wedding, quite difficult to have in SG though...


an array of tasty juices!


a unique ring, actually i don't mind a simple ring with names engraved on the inside :D


out of the ordinary, i'd want to have my room filled with balloons,hehe..
but i won't have a say in this, it's up to the guy's family but oh well....


will my hands shake while signing?


special wedding carpet and not just a plain red one~

shall stop here for now and post each time i come across something lovely.

oh ya, i'd like to have a puzzle guestbook too but space would be a constraint and it'll be hard to keep...

<3

Dramas

Have been spending my nights watching dramas and just a thought flow through me.

I can't imagine myself being those typical girl they show in the dramas,neither the heroine nor the vilen, did I even spell it right?

The female leads are either too dependant,too girly or too strong,too much of a fighter. And the bad person is way too mean,at times it feels fictitious but then again I can't say such things doesnt occur in life just because I've not seen or heard or any such stories.

Can you imagine some guy consoling me? HAHAHA. I can't. I see myself as the one comforting others. Well this is just what I feel and I may be wrong. Maybe some day someone will prove me wrong, I anxiously anticipate that day to be before me.

I'm currently so bored I feel like writing a story of my life and portray it in a film or a short say 20 episode drama..it'll be interesting won't it. Makes me wonder how many people will mock my character or how many will be left amazed and startled or touched or maybe say 'hey,I feel that way too.'of course not forgetting the negatives but why bother myself with those when I can choose to live a fantasy?

I've always wanted a life of 'how I met your mother' or 'friends' or 'cougar town' or 'new girl' and the list goes on...in which they all have a clique and squeeze out time for each other no matter what.

It's inspiring and increases the value of friends but at the same time it can be really disappointing to know you can't meet that standard or be that sort of a friend and vice versa.

Just a random thought that passed through while I was bored watching the slow paced drama.

If I'm blessed enough,one day I'll live that sort of a life.maybe,hopefully. I want to experience it!

<3

Blogaway

That's the name of the app I use..

Shall blog to prevent myself from sleeping,feel bad for falling asleep halfway through conversations.

Arranged the apps in my phone according to mostly used. And oh gosh.messenger has made its way from the last to the first page very steadily! It's a good thing I guess? However, it shouldn't overtake messages and whatsapp..ya I guess just these two.

Its the 3rd alr,17 more days before they fly off.lots of work to be done by them and I guess I'm only going to assist in shopping,hahaha! #shopaholic

Oh ya will have to pack daddy's luggage too.

Wonder how I'll spend my days when everyone's away...this holidays I've been spending a lot of time with the biggest boyboy. I'll have a hard time if timetable is as empty as it was in 2.1..at the beginning there won't be much to study also so I really dont know how time will go by.I cannot allow myself to be a lazy bum during term time,it's a different story when it's holidays~

Maybe i'll make several trips down to bedok library to read n probably study there...who knows,maybe me frequenting that place might take a turn in life?

It sounds stupid and fictitious but honestly I haven't found what I want so I'm just swaying around.

What else do I type out now?

Oh ya,there's this burning question circling in my head.should I send a gift for yang since all of them are going? Will it be weird? And if I do what should I send?

But he says he doesn't want anything..so how?

I need to come to a decision really really soon! Can someone help me out?

<3

wishes

My biggest wish at this point of time is to travel and travel so badly.
I want to see the world and i know its too much to ask for at where i'm standing...

I want to explore India at the very least. I have visited that place i believe 4 times up to today but my trip has always been constricted to visiting relatives and that's all. 4 years ago when I went, I managed to do some sightseeing at 2 cities and that isn't enough. I've not even been to places of interest in the 'home' city. home because technically my parents are from there,mm~

I want to visit the following places when I next go:

Beach
Sunflower field
Cinema
Zoo
Swimming Pool
Theme Park

I never knew all the above existed except for a cinema...i've been living in a hole i swear. previously i had no one to tell me about all these places nor anyone who'd bring me around. but now i do and i really hope someday soon, i would be able to go to these places with you! Maybe i can persuade dad for a trip in march but idk if  you can make it,it'll be a bigger disappointment which i do not want to face.

<3