Reflection

I feel as though I'm moving at the rate of a tortoise.

The world seems to be advancing way too rapidly and I feel left behind. 'Time and tide waits for no man' taking its troll.

I feel I need to do so much more in a short time span if I want to make full use of my existence and if I want my story to be a success.

18 years have passed! It's a large number actually. I shall take away the first 3 years because no man can remember his life from birth. So that leaves me with a figure of 15. And in this 15 years,I've only effectively made good use of estimated 10 years.

My point is I have not progressed much in the last 5 years. And it took me god dam 5 years to realise it.

Time to pull a leg,buck up, pull up my socks, soar to great heights and the idiom list goes on!

<3

Saddened.

Hello my little space,

I'm disappointed.for once I feel that polys have screwed up holiday timings.I feel my holidays are either too short or ending too early (meaning its ending at the wrong time)!

Everyone's gonna leave just the weekends before school starts,oh great so this little has a decision to make.

To either stay in this not-so-fucked up country or fly away for sometime.to either have a bachelor's party or to be a family girl, to either be an old school girl or be a bunker. To either pursue something essential in life or to meet who I want to.to follow the brain or to follow the heart. To sluck in sadness or obtain happiness.to either study or to attend weddings.

This trip is that important to me. Its associated with tons of things and I honestly don't want to let it go pass me. It has been a long long while since I left this place,all I need is a breather and this trip seems like the only opportunity 2012 has to offer me.

After much thought, I decided I should just let it pass me.I should secure a future that'll bring timeless opportunities for me to travel. I'll try to visit my relatives and fulfill my wants next yr hopefully.fingers crossed.

I feel proud of myself for having an aim to which I truly feel like striving for,keep it up myself! (:

<3

it's a headache to think of a title.

Hello once again,

my title has no link with this post...

I'm still not well, the constant coughing and clearing of nose sucks.Not to mention of how tired i feel, my bed seems the best place to ever be for now.

Oh nooo,i forgot what i wanted to blog about,urg!

IT'S BEEN ALMOST 36 HOURS AND THIS SUCKS.maybe i should make the first move.......

Oh ya,i wanted to mention of how nice,warm and lovely it is to talk to your close or should i say closer friends. I mean you can't just talk about anything under the sun with some stranger you just met or an ordinary classmate.

It felt so good to finally have a friend who has a little in common with me, the same ideas and close enough plans. :D

i'm only 4 years away from what i want and i guess it's time to do something so it'll come alive. Though i do not believe in what i feel i should start doing, i guess its the only way to make my dreams come true unless ....ya.

My mind will change in this matter so don't be surprise if i say something else tomorrow, it's just the beginning of my thoughts,let's see how much crazier i can get :P (i'm so missing the whatsapp emoji of :P right now)

I need to get well soon!

<3

Mind-games.

Once again we're playing mind-games.

It's fun till your brain starts processing and because I'm down with flu it processes at the rate a snail moves.

Oh gosh,this is bad I tell you.on a day when I speak without thinking, he decides to get his answers.and boom,it hits me like a bomb.

I'm gonna say something lame or bit around the bush to get my way around.why aren't any of my friends awake to help me think of a comeback?

It's okay,I cab do this,hwaiting!

Goodnight

<3

Appreciation - Dad

I'm loving my dad more each day because he suddenly is treating me like his princess.

He doesn't scold me that often nor nag at me for not doing household chores or looking after him.

It's a happy Tuesday today! :D

I woke up to not having to do my share of household chores and not having to wash the toilet.
And Dad made the day even brighter by buying me a new fan out of the blue. and i was allowed to be lazy by starring at the tv up to now.hehe.

Yay,i'm so happy.

He has been trusting me more too. I can see it, but I do not know how to explain it in words over here.

I really hope dad stays as nice as he is now so that i would be able to entirely break the communication barrier within us. Yes, I'm talking to him more often now and i'd have to say a thankyou to the drama series because it's the shows that make me speak more and more,hehe.

<3

Pushed

I'm sorry.

I no longer know what's going on in my brains and my heart.

I don't know the myth of 11.11 but since i see so many people making a wish i decided maybe i should use that opportunity to remind myself of something i really want. but now it doesn't make sense anymore because i no longer know what i want. i tell myself i want ......and then the next moment i go 'do i really want this?' or do i want .......

Internal conflict is by far one of the most disastrous thing that exist in my believe. Its a hard struggle to go through and get out off and i feel i'm getting trapped in it. I need to pull myself out but i do not know how..
What can i do to take a peek within myself and to find out what i want?

Environment plays a huge role in this too, which is why i constantly want a get away so bad but I guess in the society i'm leaving in its to early for me to make my own decisions and to roam free though i feel i am capable of doing so..
I mean my life would be a whole lot different if I'm left independent.  

Feels like I'm writing an essay,haha....

Coming back, I feel as though I'm pushing you away with my what seems to me annoying replies. I'm sorry but it's only because i don't want people to have high hopes and expectations only to be let down. I need to find a focus before i can get things going.

I know I'm weird, you probably think so as well. Who on earths tell people their dark side, well hi there, i'm one such person. But hey, i like the way i am so if you don't then fuck off. 2 options, either accept me for who i am or get the hell out of my life.

I do appreciate your thoughts towards me but it's always easy to speak than to do. Maybe your lifestyle makes it easy to do certain things which seem really tough for me and vice versa so ya I'm sorry if what i've said wasn't what you were expecting....

<3

Annoying kid

You know your life is fucked up when some kid starts to lecture you.

Everyone dislikes their parents nagging at them so just imagine how it feels like to be nagged by a kid.

Though it is good that the kid is knowledgeable about what is right and wrong and everything but it os fucking irritating and to me I feel disrespectful and rude for the kid to be literally NAGGING at an adult.I don't mean the kid shouldn't correct the adult when he's wrong but fuck it kiddo naggings not the way to go.

Being the youngest and having a lot of different views from my siblings and parents,I never once nagged at them nor said anything that a small child isn't supposed to

Yes call it ego or self-respect or dignity.but it eats my head up. What are you trying to prove by nagging at me. I do things after much thought and as a kid maybe you don't understand that and that's the only reason keeping me from screaming my head out at yoy for repeatedly NAGGING.

Fucking faggot needs to be taught some useful skills such as when and when not to say and do things.

I've had enough and I'm not tolerating anymore. One more time this happens I swear I'll snap and it'll be the worst thing ever because I foresee everyone else being dragged into this.

Just because I did not justify myself doesn't mean I'm wrong.I bet if I play my trump card none of you will have anything left to say.

Keep your life simple and avoid problems - my motto in life makes me say little though I talk a lot of crap the truly sensible things are kept within.

Now I'm really curious to know all of your answers to a question that I feel will leave not only the kid but everyone else dumbfounded.

Rage mode and all anger related feelings should be kept just within this space so chaos for now.

<3

Hack the title

Hello hello. I'm supposed to be asleep but here I am.

Beware,this post is going to be frustrating.

After much thought abt the convo I had with yang the other night,I decided to try and figure out what he meant,if he was serious or not and all the ifs...

So as what I am known for, I dropped the bomb at the slightst opportunity but to no avail.

To the future me who'll at some point read this post:

I hate people who bit around the bush and do not come out up front and direct.you can't always be hinting here and there because it makes people guess and their guess may not be accurate thus creating a series of misunderstanding.

I also do not like people who shove away what they've been asked,whether in communication form or a physical act.

---

I'm tired of reading minds and fixing the puzzle together. Just when I thought my life was going to be smooth for a period of time,one where I do not need to have unnecessary worries on my mind,it hits me again,maybe I hoped for too much,too early.

You must be wondering the cause of all these frustrations.

It's because I cannot decipher what one is saying and it makes me fucking pissed when they just hahaha,smile,or change the topix to avoid answering.

Just gonna end with this convo over here:

'what type of boys do you like?'

'simple and has a good personality'

'I'm simple and have a good personality'

'what's your point of telling me this?'

'hahaha,I'm tired,I'll talk to you tmr'

So what say about this? Doesn't it make your hands turn into a fist ready to punch the moment the doosh is in front of you?

<3

Smile.

There's bound to be a smile on the face if everday is just as simple yet amazing as today.

No,nothing special or different happened,I just feel good and I hope everday would be like today. Not engaging myself in thoughts that anger or worry me.

From a simple what happen,any problems just because I didn't reply within half an hr to a thankyou,I received it in response to an email which was unnecessary.From a good morning to how was your day today. All this little things means so much to me.

So thats just about the reason to my smile today.

I'm trying to sleep early to fix the screwed body clock but it seems to be making me have a pick in what I want more and this sucks.but oh well,with time I believe everything will fall in place (:

Have a lovely day ahead!

<3

The manly figure called 'Dad'

Everyone resorts to convenience and so do I.

All this while I was a mama's girl and then I got deprived of it. A sad girl was hovering in depression but today she saw some light.

Spending the day around her father and having unusually more spare time,her thoughts made so much sense and a call for appreciation.

So thankful for my dad. Though I've been blind all these years I'm glad my eyes are finally open.I might be rambling all the time but there's a portion of the heart for love of my father.

I realise he doesn't show and express it but there certainly is glittering love and I can see it.

Just small bits and pieces.but hey,it is for these small actions that a enormous picture is formed (:

From immediately looking for me when he returns after a tiring day at work to ensuring I've eaten my dinner and being overly protective that's how he portrays his love.

Being the youngest is awesome because you get all the extra love from everyone.they want to see the best in you,and fulfill all the dreams they couldn't.similarly,I think that's what my dad is doing.

It might be irritating to be constantly called out for,for no particular reason but then when the brain starts processing and rings a bell, a smile is guaranteed.

I can't explain what I'm feeling right now.the words that are coming out are not as intense as my feeling - a pleasure to have such a father and tduly thankful for his care.

Maybe I should get to reading and more essay writing before I lose the vibe.

<3

Good or lousy app?

Why was my post live only halfway?

Only the crappy part got posted,urg.

Shall blog more with this so I'll get a hang of it.

So lazy to retype everything,so here's a one line summary:

Dont get why people are asking me to for yang and give up on ppgboy.

Can yoy explain clearly?

<3

New App!

Look,I've finally found a decent blogger app on my android.loving it so far.

I can finally blog usingy phone...this also means this space is gonna be more active due to convenience,haha.

I've started using dot dot dot too much,shld prolly stop.mmm~

why do my dear friends sleep so early or why do I sleep so late?

A question always on my mind at this timing.

Screwed body clock is so stubborn it doesn't want to get fixed,urg.

Oh don't you love how you can not worry about a conversation dying? About not having to worry about not knowing what to say next? Kekeke~

Distance sucks,it drives you insane or it eventually will. It makes you crave more.huh,what am I saying?

Anyways,I can't seem to figure out why my cute little friends

16/9/12

I'm so bored and that's how i've ended up here.

Have nothing in mind at al to blog about so don't be surprised to be reading absolutely crap for the next few minutes.haha

oh ya, results are out,got interesting responds from my friends and family. sissy said i seemed extremely happy about not doing well,HAHAHA. who on earth ever feels that way.well, because i was in the train and smiling....
It feels comforting to hear words of encouragement from all my <3s!

Thankyou for having so much faith and believing in me. It makes me feel good to know that there are people out there for me but the truth still remains - it makes me feel extremely pressurised knowing that i need to excel to make all of them proud and happy.

If only all this pressure could be felt when i sway away into my lala land at crucial timings.

I need to constantly remind myself of what i want so don't be surprised to be reading a lot abt me mentioning abt studies because as i type it helps me remember better,lolol~

So today's kinda the last day of raya,concluded it with uncle over at my place and skyping with maternal relatives back in india...saw 'live' everyone except for le yang's parents and siblings...
got to know a few more facts abt them and abt yang too :D

There's fireworks going on somewhere in Singapore, i hear it but those high rised,well -built buildings are blocking my view. and yes although i'm so old i like to see fireworks..if only i could play some on my own! a must-do item right on top of the list when i next visit india. but dammm,no one would buy it for me,i think :/

this is going to get crappy so bye bye.

<3

i wish .....

it's mid-way through the second weeks of holidays, time is really flying past and i have barely done anything. this is really bad - how i had planned my holidays out and nothing seems to be going according to plans. :(

nevermind,it's okay, i believe i can finish all that i want to before the end of this semester's break.

result's tomorrow and i'm fucking scared. there isn't any reason why i should be because i can guess the grades i'm going to get. i don't want to get those grades because what i'm expecting is horrible but i believe i deserve it since i didn't give my best. i was caught up with my own life, didn't pay much attention at school, always wanted to get home at the earliest and what not.

after the exams, i have found a few reasons to why i should study hard and give my 100% and they're realistic reasons, no longer the delusional. i want to type it out here so if i happen to read my own posts or if anyone else is reading this, can remind me of what i want so i won't walk off the path.

1. I want to be successful in my studies. i feel it's important to do well in my area of interest and not let people down.

2. I want to be able to support my dad fully in future and be independent - at where i stand today,i'm in  no position to even stand up on my own 2 feet.

3. Getting out of singapore is just a small piece of the big picture , i want to go on a world tour

4. I want to prove to many people that I'm capable of much more than what they think I am.

5. A secured career and lots of earning, for me to build my dream house and be able to fulfill the wishes of my family.

Here's just some simple reasons to keep me going.

Can't believe i was so stupid so so stupid to be wanting to do well because of a dude. i know somewhere inside me that's still one of the reasons but well, it's no where on top of the list.

The purpose of this post was to tell you that i no longer know what to wish for...holding my eye lash on my fingertip ready to blow it away..i started with the 2 usual words "i wish" and then i was dumbfounded....reality hit it right in my face, i no longer know who i am,what i want. it's scary. i see no sense of direction to make myself turn in. it sucks.
stood there,giving it a thought and all the came to mind was 'you don't know what you want'. uh fuck this shit.i shouldn't take my life to such depths, but what's the point of living then....? can you explain it with a strong stand?

<3

urg.

hello my little space,

I'm not feeling very good right now.
Dad's screaming over the phone,scolding his brother for the past half an hour. it's not only disturbing that a brotherhood here is at stake and a lot of other related things but its also piercing to the ears. haven't heard my dad so angry and so loud in a long long while,its been years. i can't shut my ears and this is making me feel even more agitated.

On the other hand, I'm not very happy with the mentality of my siblings. it's our second cousin's wedding reception tmr and they wanna act like some normal friend and go there just to eat and head home. i think it's bloody rude. i mean when ,my siblings got married they stayed throughout the wedding and if it were for mummy,she'd make us stay throughout too so isn't it our responsibility to show come respect and stay on?
Why can't they all try to understand, i hate to explain myself but they should be able to think of it themselves, what are brains for right?

I would also want all my relatives whether distant or close to stay in on my wedding throughout until everything is over, but with this kind of sucky attitude from my family, i wonder how many people would be present,guess just a handful. ya i dream of a big grand wedding, i see nothing wrong in it. i'm the youngest in the family and i think i deserve it. i mean my siblings have had good weddings too,err maybe except for sissy cause her wedding happened all too quickly.

I'm so frustrated, and when i take a break, i feel i'm stupid for thinking and worrying too much but can you tell me how to stop thinking? it's uncontrollable.

and then i'm so confused with what's happening in my life ever since this guy came in...he makes me feel good, i mean t's nice to receive a good morning message when you open your eyes, and a good night before you close them.
the constant, how are you doing, take care and have fun really makes my day.
I haven't had all this in a long time, not even from my awesome friends so it's really refreshing.
but dang,my brain keeps going back to think you. i don't remember a day when i haven't thought of you.something or the other brings me back there, thinking of the good times we had or at least i did.if only it could last more and go further.

well, what's fated will find a way for itself. i think the most i can do on my part is to try to get something going, well i think i should maintain my friendship.

finally dad has stopped,it feels like i should too.

so long till we meet again

<3