I was talking just fine just now but now it feels like my heart has sank.
Maybe because i haven't had alone time the whole of today until now?
booya,why is emotions so hard to read?
psy class should've gone into detail about things like this and not just stop at there are 6 basic emotions that trigger others -.-
Today is one of the days where I picture my life as a whole. the complete me and not on just one aspect of my life.
Seeing the 3-D picture just makes me feel like shit because i feel as though i have a really low stand in life.
According to maslow's hierarchy of needs i probabbly stand at only the first level: psychological needs.
I feel insecure,very if i take a deep peek into myself.
I have a father,who has an exceptionally weird thinking,maybe it's those old-fashioned indian kinda mindset. but everyone has to keep up with the modern times. I can't stand being unappreciated all the time you know. Getting scolded and blamed at just cause I'm 5 minutes behind time of what I'm supposed to be doing. Listening to complains about me not being a good daughter to people who far far away and barely know me. It just sucks. I'm learning how to live with it but deep down there it is a continuous poking sensation.
Then i have my siblings who i really wonder what they think of me. Initially they were really supportive and i know even today they are here for me as they were before. However, their expectations have risen beyond what i can fulfil. They make me feel as though I'm tied back, they don't like when I'm busy with my own stuff but why can't i get the freedom you guys got when you were a teenager? i know life's unfair but a little to ask would be satisfactory. My life is a thousand times more mundane than yours was. I wish i could have more freedom and experience exciting things like you guys did. I need and want to see the world too!
As much as i know i've been the one causing quite a number of distress in the family, i've stopped complaining if you've noticed. i've been adapting and i'm really trying to care for everyone and eradicate the negatives that you guys have about me. I'm trying to be on good terms with my younger sister-in-law,i really am but just when i put in so much effort, more problems arise.
There's a lot of trivial matters that bothers me within the family, i want to solve it all though i know i'm no superhero but i love my family beyond words can express though my attitude is fucking shit at times. I don't show much concern in front of you guys because if you know i'm caught between the odds, you'll stop sharing.
There's many regrets to deal with as well and sadness plus memorises revolving my mind when i think of the word 'family'. how can i ever ever miss out my loveable mother, the best i could ever ask for and a caring grandmother. like mother like daughter they were,truly and i aspire to be like them one day.
Next to family comes friends,
there's so much more to say about friends because the chain starts all the way from kindergarten. I've been thinking of this cool malay friend i had when i was in primary 2. i really miss her.the phone calls and stuff we used to have. I really hope this friendship will come alive once again really soon.
then there's the primary school clique. everyone's so busy with their lives,they have no time for reunion. what saddens me most is when they say 'it'll be awkward'. it will because you're not willing to give it another chance. on a side note, really happy to know that le then bestfriend is in tp. gonna see her and most probably bus with her after like what 4 yrs? the last i met her was in sec 1 or 2?
moving on,secondary school chaps. there's so many of them i miss and want to see.maybe i've not been trying hard enough.but i really hate surface friends in the sense that if you're my surface friend i wouldn't want to keep going out with you and neither do i want to share my life stories with you so if you're asking me out we have to keep ourselves engaged with some activity then maybe eat and part ways.that sounds a bit mean but that's what i really feel. i miss my e2 peeps so bad but i don't want to force myself in. i'll go if i'm free and if you ask me. if you don't than i'll just live in sorrow on my own. i enjoy the moment but people may see it as i don't make an effort to talk...but hey my life is too mundane for me to be yaking all the time.
I'm so happy for whatsapp now,at least i can be crapping which in a way is communicating with my 2 beloveds because i think the key to everlasting friendship is communication. once that stops everything starts to fall apart.it's good that at least though only i have 2 such people in my life, i have someone there with whom i can be myself and speak my heart out. i've grown to be super conscious of people judging me and i've realised i have this thing, i like to make myself seem stupid in front of people when i actually am not.
poly started with the wrong company,screwed things up pretty much.moved on with some nice people but fuck it now i need to separate them from me? i just cannot. i'm no longer the type who loves to make friends and socialise after knowing how life in poly can get so miserable. i don't open up easily anymore either. le friend always ask why do i only tell her things which are outdated. it's because i fucking can't tell you on the spot. the only people who i've given this right is my two darlings because they've gained the trust from me.and i expect the same from you. i expect you to show me you care and not tell me you do. the slightest of care is enough to make me speak - the reason why boss might know more things about my life other than the bitchy people i meet in poly. well i think he's on par with that alr cause a casual conversation made me blurt out the problem i have with emo girl. the trick is to make me laugh when i'm down not ask me what i plan to do about it but give me suggestions on what i should.
it's to a point where i care so much but i dont know how to express it.
i was really happy to receive a phone call as early as the timetable was released to know if we're in the same class. i'm happy to know you girls and uhm guys are sad that we're not in the same class. so that's a plus on my emotions. but the fear of falling apart is much more than the happiness. the small positive things never fail to make me think i'm worng but the negative make me feels i'm right too. can you picture how i feel so stuck in between my emotions and feelings? how to deal with all of these?
i worry so much,think of solutions than think they are either useless or too extreme - abandon it,worry even more,panic,feel anxious and then try to forget abt it when i know things are better,try to forget about them.
i really hope that when they say our friendship won't fall apart due to the differences in class, they really mean it. cause i'm willing in to put in the effort to do so.
so i'm really nervous to make new friends. cause i'm afraid of going through all the shit again. and i don't know if i'll be able to. i know it's annoying for me to draw the line between classmates and friends but hey shouldn't people closer to me get some extra credits?
woah just realised i've been telling people which days i can meet them until i can't keep track..shit :/
first wk with my T03 nice people,i'll purposely sit beside them during lectures,hahahaa.
okay so i've only spoken about two aspects of my life. i think there's at least two more to go.
Love and religion. i'll talk about it later tonight if i've got the energy and am still feeling shitty, if not forget it.
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