Thoughts Torch

It's been sometime since I blogged, thought of doing so numerous times but i just didnt...
Fasting does make me feel exhausted quite a bit but when I'm down to work,somehow i can concentrate, its a superb thing! Next goal to achieve would be to study and not sleep back after sahur.
Now that is a huge challenge for me.

Thinking is good, thinking makes you realise stuff beyond what you need to know. It opens your mind up a lot a lot. so those narrow minded people are the ones whose brains and thoughts are restricted to only the surface. shallow people in other words to say but that just sounds so means so ya they don't think so much so they don't realise a lot of things. these are also the people who haven't been through the real difficult times and challenges in life. the people who do not place themselves in others shoes.

My post anyway, was to tell the world that i'm satisfied and finally happy with my family.
It's really amazing when family members put their differences aside and try to live with each other because there's no escape route from blood relations. it's either you live with them or you forever keep quarrelling- which after sometime you'd realise there's no point in doing so.

I'm trying my best (not that i previously wasn't) to solve my problems and maintain a healthy relationship with everybody.

I've come to realise that leaving a good impression is rather essential because at the end of the day a deep thinker ends up wondering about everything under the sun which may to some extend bother them.

Dedicated to my bhai

3 more days to the start of ramadan
2 more nights to taraweeh prayer
3 more days to bro-in-law's arrival


interesting fact:
sis-in-law met a taxi driver today and he was telling her the origin of 'luh' and the other slangs.
he says in olden days singapore was a malay community whose religion was islam.so the people used to say 'ya allah' so frequently that over time the 'ya al' got removed somehow and the 'lah' remained. 


HAHAHHA.sooo cute!

I was supposed to blog on sunday but urg it just got delayed until today.so:

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY BRO-IN-LAW AKA AS GOOD AS MY BROOO!

Though circumstances don't permit us to be as physically close as i can foresee us to be, I'm really glad you became a part of my life. An essential part i would say though now that you're away i feel so distant from you.
The world and our customs is shitty, they're so backward and too old but sighs because unfortunately our parents themselves still believe in those customs and traditions we have no choice but to pay some respect to them as well. If not for all these, i think we would be aweeeesome!

Thankyou for everything you've done for me till today, a salute to you for picking me up when i fell after mum's departure. i know you were as badly hurt as i was but somehow you got hold of the situation. thankyou for always making me feel so warm and a part of everything.
it's a surprise to me that someone who doesn't share the same blood as you could be the one who cares  about you even more than the one who shares the same blood. by this i'm solely referring to a relationship outside of love and parenthood and friendship.
I was and still am always very touched when you persistently ask sissy to look after me because you just can't show me that care you wish you could.

Initially when you married sissy,i kinda had a bad impression of you,oops. that was cause you were away,and seemed so fierce and serious all the time . When you started living with us, i felt you were a total opposite of me,i can't hold my commets back when i'm w my family.but as time went by,i realised you're a humorous chap, one who can entertain me and make me smile without fail! you realised my dreams and aspirations even before we got to know each other so that's another plus point. but nah, i now think my dream and aspiration i had then if not something i'd want to pursue though the wish to get my hands on it once still remains.

though my memories with you may be small bits and snippets here and there, they're precious to me and i guess that's what counts the most.

I eagerly wait for you arrival, we all miss so so so so much,especially the 3 boyboys of yours.
<3

countdown//lost soul

Month of ramadan is approaching in 7 days.
Taraweeh prayer starts in 6 days!

I want to make this yr a different. I've plans which i wish to fulfill.
I always felt that i'm a sucky devotee, devotee isn't even the right word to use...
I feel that i cannot live up to the expectations of the religion and this feeling sucks really bad.
It's horrible when people start questioning you and when you don't know of a significant date on the islamic calendar.

So this year, i want to try my very best to complete every taraweeh prayer. I know it's going to be tedious and tiring with lessons starting at 9 am on most days but it's a challenge i want to take up.

I feel that my life is at its low point these days. I have no strong reason as to why but i just feel that way.I feel empty. I spend the days in sighs and get little or no work done. I spend my days doing things which are of no importance to me...in other words i'm wasting my life away.

I want and feel the need to achieve something right now. Though priority should be placed on studies, i think that would not be the right thing to do at this point in time because every time i convince myself to sit and do some school related work, i start yawning like a ....mad freak and then it gets on me and i automatically move of the seat and start doing something mindless.

With tests and exams round the corner, i hope my decision to focus on fasting and religion for at least a month would be the right one. I've realised that the decisions i've been making since i turned 18 weren't quite desirable.they didn't turn out well. they've been a disappointment to me.

Urg,weird thoughts have been making their way to my mind and i don't know how to react :/
i'm so confused,so lost - these words means so little to me now because i've been saying it way too often.


i don't understand why such a petty issue is affecting my mind,body and soul so much. i knew that was what would happen in the end yet i'm not able to take it strongly,why oh why?
I cannot figure out what's going on inside me, my bodily functions, are they even functioning normally? what if they're not?


it's not exactly  petty issue but i named it such because i knew things wouldn't work out but somehow this 'petty issue' of mine is actually a major issue in my life right now. it's destroying me from within,i can see it clearly, but i seem to appear fine from the outside. i can not think about it and even when i do i can convince myself to smile and be happy but it affects the things i do, my mood more importantly. out of no where it'll swing real bad and the worst part is the one facing me at that time suffers :(

i used to love to tumblr and now that feeling is fading. my fantasy of wanting to marry at 22 officially died on wednesday when reality hit me. i feel there's no reason for me to love anyone anymore. the world's just so cruel and self centred. i feel i won't be able to give any man a place in my heart. i feel like i should change myself for idk what fucking reason. my day is no longer brightened with what used to brighten it up. small shits annoys me. what the hell is wrong with me?!

i feel like i don't know my own identity anymore. and that's a major problem.
i need to do some soul searching, but then again for what.
internal conflict needs to fucking stop!

rejected / rejection ?

My brains feels so suffocated right now.
It's so narrowed,constraint and urg,idk what to say.

I just want one chance, i'm not even asking you to sacrifice any of your shit for me.
just hear me out,allow me to make myself feel at ease and get a peace of mind.
after if you want to leave you can, it won't affect me that badly.

what am i supposed to think when you just decide to disappear just like that.
you're just assuming things though your assumptions are right it doesn't make a difference.
are you trying to run away? why don't you want to talk to me? if it isn't going to affect you, me texting you shouldn't make a difference right? what's more, i send you very cold messages, messages without any emotions without much hehe haha,just the way you do it with me..idk whether you like it that way or not but after years i see a barrier that cannot be broken.

idk how we made it through 3 years with no quarrels and just smiles,happiness and purely entertainment. i don't feel that way anymore, why? feels like something happened either just before or right after Os.

i'm insecure,yes,fuck, i'm insecure. i cannot stand people who have been there in my life for quite sometime to just leave like that. one stupid girl whom i knew for barely half a yr made me take a few months to get a grip of myself and for me to stop caring about her..
so how long is it going to take me to get over a 9 year friendship?

You're one guy who i felt so much for, making myself seem lika fool. and i just feel i deserve better and because i deserve better i should forget you. that's what brain logic says. hais,the heart however, decides to go against it....reasoning the period of affection spent over him compared to the amt of tries to get him is not enough.

i need a break. i feel so lost, so tired.

progressing yet standing still

life's progressing but it seems to be in a standstill.
my mind is too focused and engaged in something i may not even be able to have.
trying very hard to keep myself away from this shit,yes i call it shit because i see it becoming too extreme to the extend that it affects my daily life.the worst part is that i lose control over the situation.
Thank God for such understanding and helpful friends so allow me to blabber every single rubbish of mine to them. so happy for their support and for standing by me always and for knocking sense into me!!

LOVE YOU BABES! <3
Thinking about them makes me temporarily forget about my shitass problem
it's not even a problem to start with. it's just too extremely one-sided that everything i say makes it sound like a fantasy or novel i am reading.

i don't even know why i'm so caught up between this when it was never that bad. i should've been going gaga over this when i used to see him and talk to him on a daily basis right?

I conclude that i'm a total weirdo.a weirdo who is lost and confused,doesn't know what to do and is ending up making other people tolerate her insensible talk and irritating the dude who claims he needs to study.

In a dilemma of whether i should just fucking give up or wait another 6 mths since i was a fool to have waited these say 5 yrs. i see the pros and cons to both side and making a call has never seemed so difficult as it is now.

the dude is weird too.i dont know what he is thinking and I FEEL THE NEED TO KNOW.he never fails to leave me hanging...some things he says makes me see some interest but then things like not replying me makes me think maybe not.so WHAT!!

on a brighter note, i've started communicating with my classmates,yay!

9th of July

Look look it's the 9th of july, le sighs.
a day which used to be worth forward looking to until 2008 came...
:(

only insane people would celebrate the birthday of a deceased and i regret to say i am one such person.

so tempted to eat a slice of cake today but then .......

was really in not much a mood today until boooomz, it fell like a bomb,really. i wasn't expecting anything in fact i was on the verge of giving up but then today told me i should still try.not everything or in fact nothing in life is easy to get. perseverance, faith and hope is the way to go~

was overwhelmed with joy to see messages from him but then after sometime reality struck and fuck it, mood spoiler.
I'm confused now, not knowing what to do next. Wondering if what i wish to do is the right thing to do. What if the consequences are terribly harsh? Suddenly a gush of bad impacts started flowing.

Was he texting me only because he was bored?


Impatiently waiting to know when he's 'later' will come! Faster come talk to me again, i swear i'll send 'are you avoiding me/ you don't really like talking to me do you' on impulse :/


Whatsapp is a bad app,but i guess i feel better knowing he kinda saw my msg rather than being clueless.

The world on its own is a problem so how can one expect not to face a thousand problems in their lives?

May the odds ever be in our favour~ you,me,shab & we blush

<3

emotionally unstable

after typing the title for this post,i wondered into looking at the pictures of the awards ceremony held yesterday and then school's shit made me feel even more shitty and i'm in no mood to blog about anything anymore.

i just want one thing in life right now.only ONE that i'm asking for.after that i'll be happy even if i'm not ,i'll try to be, pretend everything is okay and look for happiness. i promise i won't complain about anything anymore.

please please,please catch me before i fall deep and in reality turn insane. pick me before i fall into a hole where no one would be able to save me from.

A youth who ain't entitled to youth day holiday

Happy youth day to myself and my fellow poly-mates.

I swear Singapore discriminates polytechnic students.why must they do this? what happened to equal rights and blablabla? it only sounds nice to the ears and pleasing to the eyes when read, but when it's to be put to play it looks horrible. just like how advertisements seem oh-so-attractive, and then taadaa,you notice the catch.

School never fails to piss me off,maybe my tolerance level has dropped which is why i'm always so angry,sighs.

i don't get why people must brag! if we're in a clique, i wouldn't mind but if you guys are so close to strangers - okay to make it sound nicer, acquaintances it disturbs me a lot when you brag,idc if it's about me or not. brag isn't the right word to use but ya.... 

it was the right choice to make you present the answers.

fucking irritating when someone is just buttering you because they want something done,if not they won't even give a shit about you.it's none of my business if you don't do your work,or don't care or whatever shit excuse you have,i won't buy it.

funny fact: he asked me if i HATED him so much that i was leaving him to die on his own. 

HAHAHAHA,so funny i wanted to laugh out loud,so tempted to say yes but i said no.

so had consultation with auntie tutor after class. she's a pain in the ass but when she teaches (explains the law) it's really good and clear. got scolded because of one fucked up member. dude,you didn't do your work and fucking blamed us for marking you done?are you kidding me.you're the first i've seen in    poly. because,i've only encountered nice slackers who agree to their own doings. blame us for not involving you in our meetings,more like you didn't bother involving yourself.it's your responsibility not ours. so what you think you deserve more,than show us you deserve more and we'll give you more. no point yacking about it because i'm not going to change my scores.i don't care if no other members doesn't speak up, i think i alone can easily justify my point,you may be a big shot around campus but you're nothing more than a nut to me. i took the effort to do the work and to send it to you but fuck you,did you even bother to read it.

you know people who lie are not able to lie properly because they get stunned when they are questioned and they end up saying the wrong thing,which contradicts their lie and there you go taadaa,they're exposed. similarly this is what happened earlier today.

so while arguing my point on my i think it was his fault and not ours i asked:

"so i sent an email containing the facts of the case,did you read it?"

answer i got: "i read,a bit........which email did you send to?" HAHA,in your face dude,if you dont know which email i sent to how did you even read A BIT  of the work?!

maybe you're anorexic or suffering from mild nutrition or whatever shit, but no matter what the case, you wouldn't be getting so many mcs..if there's something really wrong with you,get your dam self admitted into the hospital get it cured before turning up for your classes. ya you have more important things to do like what,organise some shitty event?or have a fag with the committee,shit you!

I WILL NOT HESITATE TO AWARD A BIG FAT ZERO THIS TIME ROUND.i want my grades and for the first time i don't feel like people 'free' marks. 

other then ^ today was rather normal.

chaos,

<3