emotions.

this picture above basically sums up my emotion right now. it's not fair to say i'm at my all time low because there are things which happened in the day which made me smile. i can endure this and i know hopefully by tomorrow i'll be able to grab a complete grip of myself. 

As for now, the focus is not to let me affect others. and not to let me affect me. i had a chain of things i wanted to do tonight and what i'm doing now or have been doing for the past hr or two wasn't on my list and i guess the rest of tonight won't be either :/ it's so fucking annoying to not be able to understand me and why i'm feeling this way. to sum it up it sucks.

i don't think i've mentioned it on this space but recently- maybe not so recent - things between us has not been the same. it's been going down the drain and now i'm fed up of trying to salvage this .

i don't get what's the harm in drafting a decent reply, i mean i bothered to type an essay and ur reply is two words. to me that means a lot. it shows how much you care, what i mean to you and much more.

i thought you were different but maybe and more certainly now i guess i'm wrong.

what i believed to be myths are making me feel they're for real. and it's disappointing to find out bit by bit and even worst when i have to deduce it myself.

for once it feels extremely hurting to be made use of in this way. i am not your personal belonging which u choose when and when not to make use off. i'm not here to satisfy your needs. maybe i should express all of this in your words, i'm human too, i do have emotions and i have a brain to tell me what's going on.

my eyes are filed but fuck no,you're not worth my tears.

anyway, back to the picture i posted up there. 

the smiley face is because at least you responded to me and i noticed that you didn't to others who wished you.. though i have no idea what that is supposed to mean.

the green face is because i knew that i shouldn't expect much at the time i sent the msg, i knew nothing much was going to come out from it but i expected more. makes me wonder why i fall for such a person but then again i can't it can i?

the sad face is because you're not who i thought you were. you;ve disappointed me way too much and i think its reaching the limits. everytime i  get a grip of myself and try to leave the pass behind me, that's exactly when you come back and instill the same feelings all over again bringing me back to square 1. what's worst is that you don't even express yourself making me even more frustrated. how i wish you would read all of this and put me at ease.

i need to know what's going on, somewhere within me there are a lot of questions which MUST be answered.

For now i think this picture sums up the entire situation:

Wedding demands

Though some part of me wants a simple civil ceremony, majority of me wants a bombastic wedding, one where i as long as everyone else would have an amazing time. after all, it's going to be the last wedding in my immediate family before the next generation's turn comes by. and being the youngest among all from my maternal side and the uber pampered from paternal side, my wedding should be much memorable,right? hehe :P

so many dreams even before the man of my life is before me...or maybe he is,heh.
well, there's no harm in dreaming and penning down my thoughts and reviewing it while planning for the big day!
so here it goes.

If i marry a local and the wedding takes place in Singapore:

I'd want to keep it simple and classy.
Day 0: Bachelorate's party with closest friends at some place
Day 1: Haldi and Henna ceremony at home with just close friends and family (Stayover)
Day 2: Nikah at a wedding hall. ladies and gents separated, immediately after signing the papers i'd want the guy to come over, lift the veil,put the ring on,salam,photos. head to the plamain...have the joota churai, salam karai, wishes for us from my side of the family and end it off with bidaai.
Day 3: Breakfast coming from ze family and an awesome day of games, fun and laughter.
Day 4: Reception @ where ever they want to hold it but there must be an aweosme dj, a HUGE cake :D  and again wedding wishes from family and friends and this time i hope to hear something from the guy as well,keke ^^

If my marriage takes place in India (hoping it will,HAHA):

Day 1: Gift wrapping and keeping things properly.

Day 2: Haldi ceremony - I'm going to make sure everyone turns yellow!

Day 3: Henna Ceremony - stayover,make everyone do silly things, play with fire crackers

Day 4: Nikah Ceremony-

I expect the groom to be seated in a room beside mine, and a microphone system to be installed so i can hear what the groom has to say in order for the marriage to 'take place' and yes as crazy as it sounds, i do want to scream my lungs out when i say 'i do'.
After the signing of the papers, i want someone to recite a naat for all of us.
Then i want the groom after he has done all his huggings and hand shakes to come over, lift the veil, put the ring and let me salam him and kiss his hand and have a photo session together.
We can then go separate ways....(lol,sounds drama)

and when he comes back for the salam karai, i want to be there beside him, i want to see him being teased, bullied, being made fun of, and how can i forget being stuffed with lots n lots of sweets and milk by my family .and then the fun part, him having to pay a huge sum of money to obtain his shoes back, kekekeke.

Fire works!

Then time for me to change and all and get ready for bidaai, hug lots of people, be a cry baby for the next 15 minute or so. say my goodbyes and head into the car. i expect the groom to seat beside me! the crying drama stops here. oops,hahaha.

When i'm at his place, i really hope his family would've prepared some interesting games for us. like you know 'find the ring'. and let me into the room before him so i can get someone else to pretend to be me and see if he notices the change before lifting the veil. i'll probably be super mad if he can't tell it ain't me.

and i don't want to be fed so much cause that'll be the end of me :(

Day 5: I wouldn't mind doing the 'cook your 1st dish' ritual. followed by breakfast brought by my family and then our chit chat session. Would be hoping for more fun filled stuff to do if not i'd probably want to sleep after much hetic days

Day 6: Reception -

I want to get dressed then go meet my husband by myself, you know those he's standing there waiting for you then you go and pat him and he turns around all smiles. hahahaha, i  watch too much wedding videos!

Photo shoot!

Head to the reception area and i want us to be seated together on that swing sofa. i probably wouldn't know half the people there so he would be a great help to keep me in the know of who i'm meeting and greeting.

The day would end off with me going back to my home to stay but if i could ( I strongly doubt I can have this) i would want to bring m husband with me.

Technically this would conclude the wedding. There'll be a day when his family would come to bring me home (his house). Then friends and relatives would take turns to call us to their house for dinner.

Thinknig of all of this is much more fun and relaxing than having all this written out. i'm exhausted so byeeee!

How will your bf do after the vows?

Was reading an article on who you marry,matters. it's an amazing article,like a guide to assist you in deciding whether your guy should turn into your man.

Inspired by it, i thought i should put it up here,so i can read it time and again and make a right choice when the time comes.
Ps: i'm only extracting the parts which i strongly agree with and adding in my thoughts.

You might think that the way he treats you isn’t so bad. It’s not going to get better after the wedding. You might think that he’ll change. It’s possible, but most don’t. You might think that you’ll be able to minister to him and help him. Possibly, but if you can’t now, you won’t then, and you will be at risk yourself. A husband should lead and cherish you, not need your counsel for basic personality or behavior issues. 

Unless someone married is very frank with you, you can’t understand how much a husband will impact your entire life. Next to salvation there is no other long term event that will change so many areas of your life so deeply. Here are just some of the ways that marriage will impact every aspect of living. 

1. It will impact you spiritually. 

If the guy is a believer, is he a strong one? Will he lead you in prayer, Quran reading, Hajj, and expand your knowledge of the religion? Or will you be on your own? Is he going to make spiritual growth a priority or do other things come first? Is he going to ask you how it’s going with your soul so he can help you grow in holiness and love for Allah? Is he going to lead the children in this, or will you have to spearhead that? If he's not a believer, than how are you going to go in deeper,and keep up with your worships? How are you, together as a couple going to create your pathway to jannah?

The health of your eternity is at stake. Think carefully. 

2. It will impact you emotionally. Is the guy you’re thinking of going to encourage you, love you, be kind to you, and seek to understand you, or will he want to go out with the guys when you’re having a hard night? Will he listen when you are struggling with something or will he be preoccupied with a video game? Is he going to be annoyed when you cry or will he get you Kleenex and give you a hug? Is he going to going to understand that you are probably more tender than he is, more sensitive to issues and comments, or is he regularly going to run rough shod over your feelings? One woman was struggling to breastfeed her new baby, believing that that was the best thing for her, but it was very difficult. Instead of giving support and encouragement, the husband would make mooing sounds whenever he saw his wife working at it. Well, i would expect my husband to be by my side assisting me to feed my baby. We have to get rid of princess complexes, but we do have emotional needs. Any guy who is uncaring about your feelings and self esteem is selfish and should be left alone.Be careful – a husband can cripple or foster emotional health. 

3. It will impact you physically. Is the guy you’re with going to provide for your basic needs? Will he be able to shelter, clothe and feed you? Is your husband going to assure you that he would work at McDonalds, dig ditches, clean up roadkill – whatever it took to provide for the family, regardless of his gifts and training? That’s the kind of attitude you want. You might have to help ease the financial burden, but you shouldn’t have to carry it yourself, it should work both ways, both play an equal part in ensuring that the family is provided with necessities.

Will the man you are with care for your body or abuse it? If he gives you little smacks, kicks, etc. when you’re dating, get away. It’s almost guaranteed that he will abuse you after marriage, and stats show that’s especially true when you are pregnant. Is he going to care for and protect your body or will he hurt it? 

Will the man you are with care for you sexually? Is he going to honour the marriage bed in physical and mental faithfulness to you or will he flirt, feed his porn addiction, or even leave you for another woman? You can’t always predict these issues, but if the seeds or practices are already there, watch out. Unless something drastic happens, that marriage is headed for disaster. 

Is he going to be tender and gentle to you in bed? An unbelieving co-worker once told my sister that after her first sexual encounter, she had trouble walking for a few days because her boyfriend was so rough. In other words, he wasn’t selfless enough to care for the body of the woman he said he loved. 

Watch out. Your body needs care and protection. 

4. It will impact you mentally. Is the man that you’re thinking of going to be a source of worry or will he help you deal with your worries? Is he going to encourage your intellectual development, or will he neglect it? Is he going to value your opinions and listen to what you are thinking, or will he disregard your thoughts? Is he going to help you manage stress so that your mind is not burdened that way, or is he going to let you struggle through issues alone? Is he going to care for you and be thoughtful of you if you are experiencing mental strain, or will he ignore it? 

You might think that the intellectual or mental side of a marriage is small. It’s bigger than you think. Consider it seriously. 

5. It will impact you relationally. How’s your relationship with your mother? Your dad? Do you love them? Does your boyfriend? Fast forward ten years: you tell your husband that your mother is coming for the weekend. Is he excited? Disappointed? Angry? Making snide jokes with his friends? Of course, a husband should come first in your priority of relationships, as you both leave father and mother and cleave to one another. But parents are still a big part of the picture. Whatever negative feelings he has about your parents now will probably be amplified after marriage. Your marriage will either strengthen or damage – even destroy – your relationship with your parents. The people who know you best and love you most right now could be cut out of the picture by a husband who hates them. 

It’s the same with sisters and friends. Will they be welcomed, at reasonable times, in your home? Will the guy who you’re with encourage healthy relationships with other women, or will he be jealous of normal, biblical friendships? Will he help you mentor younger women and be thankful when older women mentor you, or will he belittle that? 

Don’t sacrifice many good relationships for the sake of one guy who can’t value the people who love you. 

So how will your boyfriend do after the vows? Because this is just a sampling of the ways that a husband can bless or curse his wife. The effects are far reaching, long lasting, and either wonderful or difficult. True, there are no perfect men out there. But there are great ones. And it’s better to be single for life than to marry someone who will make your life a burden. Singleness can be great. Marriage to the wrong person is a nightmare.  

Don’t be so desperate to get married that your marriage is a grief. If you are in an unhappy marriage, there are ways to get help. But if you’re not married, don’t put yourself in that situation. Don’t marry someone whose leadership you can’t follow.

Amazing read and a source to get yourself thinking isn't it?

Tumblr expresses what i don't say

2013/4/21

I'm back!

lost in my own delusional thoughts,i no longer have the mood to blog/to dictate my feelings.
it seems the best option is to keep within oneself and secretly hope things change for the better or if it's already good enough for it to remain the way it is.

it's been a week since i came back from my trip to my ancestral home. while it was refreshing to see the familiar faces greeting you it was rather an eye opener to how different other people's lifestyle is from my own. how their thinking conflicts from mine and how we do the same thing differently. it was definitely a learning experience and it raised awareness in me, can confidently say i'm a more cautious person now. it's amazing how despite all the differences we can live,laugh and have so much fun under the same roof without arguments and fights.hmm,well that could also be due to the fact that my stay was extremely short!

i'd love to go back there again really soon and stay for a bit,say a month or two. shall try proposing this to dad and ask him to grant me permission say maybe after i graduate with my dip? :D

school starts tomorrow and i'm not prepared. suddenly feel the holidays are too short and have flown past way too quickly.

well,whether i'm prepared or not, reality would soon kick in and so here's to hopefully a marvelous year ahead~

lost it

As the title reads, i lost it last night. after many years feelings just over flew and in no time i was in tears. and this caused me to fall back sick with a runny nose and sore throat. how crying can so quickly affect your health amazes me.

no, i didn't lose it because things between us is falling apart. in fact during the influx of my over thinking process yesterday,i saw some light in us. i believe if i truly want it then i can make it happen but oh too bad i don't really want to make the first move...i still need time to think through it properly.

and in admist all of those i felt like i should talk to you and ask you if you know what happened while she was there.

felt as if i needed to share my saddening story in detail with someone, i'm surprised myself at how vividly i remember everything, thought i've successfully moved on but i was wrong, very wrong.
and as tears rolled down you came to my mind, felt as though you're the right person i should go to but how could i forget your behavior towards me? that turned me down and i laid there silently trying to get a grip of myself but then i failed yet again. it got so bad that i was coughing madly and started nauseating.

so much for wanting to have an early night yesterday. went to bed at 10 fell asleep probably only at 2,sighs.

may the odds ever be in my favour.