lost it

As the title reads, i lost it last night. after many years feelings just over flew and in no time i was in tears. and this caused me to fall back sick with a runny nose and sore throat. how crying can so quickly affect your health amazes me.

no, i didn't lose it because things between us is falling apart. in fact during the influx of my over thinking process yesterday,i saw some light in us. i believe if i truly want it then i can make it happen but oh too bad i don't really want to make the first move...i still need time to think through it properly.

and in admist all of those i felt like i should talk to you and ask you if you know what happened while she was there.

felt as if i needed to share my saddening story in detail with someone, i'm surprised myself at how vividly i remember everything, thought i've successfully moved on but i was wrong, very wrong.
and as tears rolled down you came to my mind, felt as though you're the right person i should go to but how could i forget your behavior towards me? that turned me down and i laid there silently trying to get a grip of myself but then i failed yet again. it got so bad that i was coughing madly and started nauseating.

so much for wanting to have an early night yesterday. went to bed at 10 fell asleep probably only at 2,sighs.

may the odds ever be in my favour.

down yet again

it's stinging like the most painful bite of a bumble bee. (i'm bad at all this metaphoric stuff but oh well)

It feels like the heart just sinks everytime i re-read the message. yes,i know i shouldn't be so stupid to keep going back to re-read the message but i just can't help myself...what do i do? i don't understand! where did we go wrong? what happened along the way? i really don't know.

it's so sickening to know that i'm affected my minor stuff,and though i'm aware i'm unable to make myself feel better,doesn't that suck even more?

and it's such a pity i turned to this space yet again to express my downside feelings.

can someone please tell me there's nothing heart breaking in this message?:

"sorry...my class is about to start...i'll talk to you later..bye"

:(

March

Hello,I'm back after sometime. 

I can't say i was busy studying for exams cause that was just countable days. i really have no idea what i'd been up to but it seemed busy. but i'm free now,till the end of this month. probably this is going to be the free-est month of the year and maybe even up to 1st quarter of next.

Well,its time to play hard and live while i'm young.hitting the big 2 next yr. not to mention how i already feel old upon hitting 19.

I remember when i turned 18 i got crazy,i wanted to do unreasonable things...i even made a list remember? well the list is still there somewhere far back below this post and i can't be bothered to dig it up because i was awaken towards the end to realize that somethings i wanted to do were stupid so i left them undone and for others that i could not complete,i'm sure opportunities to do those will arise (:

As of now i really wanna learn scuba diving. okay maybe not learn but just experience.sounds ridiculous considering the fact that i cant even swim :/ i wanna learn,is anyone willing to teach me? :D

The urge has increased since the past few days after i saw photos of my bro's trip to bali for diving back in his teens. he was saying experience everything you want now because you don't know whether you'll be able to or not in the future. i agree with him. being a brown girls is tough. it comes with  a lot of expectations some of which you may not even know. everyone's future is a mystery to be discovered each day...what will happen if i marry a brown guy whose family is very traditional.that'll probably be the end of my freedom,haha. #brown girl problems. 

Yes these days every moment i'm thinking of being desi of living the indian way. my much awaited trip is drawing nearer and nearer,i can't wait,not to mention (:

thinking of planning another getaway in december but i'm clueless as to whether i'll have holidays or not?

and the coming academic year,it's not to be played with. no more slackings because i really needa do well and start thinking of what i wanna do after my diploma. 

this post is already long yet there's so many more things on my mind that i wanna say. #effects of not blogging for so long

and it's already so jumbled up,no proper sequence and all so i'm gonna leave it as it is and come back some other time,till then xoxo~